Tales of the Kids

Not It!

2011-12-19T12:21:00.001-07:00

Joe and I have been playing a dangerous game. It's the "not it" game complete with finger on nose and even thumb on forehead to increased insurance. With a finger on your nose and a thumb on your forehead, you really are not it.

Dog wants out.

Not it!

Caitlynn needs help with homework.

Not it!

Miles needs a glass of milk.

Um... Not it!

It's gotten to the point where neither of us wants to do anything around the house. Help the kids? Ha. Not it. It's becoming a dangerous game and the kids are totally clueless. They wonder why we won't get off the sofa and why our fingers are on our noses. What's wrong with our parents? Daddy has his finger on his nose. That's just weird.

I guess I'm a little worried about our game because I'm much slower at catching on than Joe. As soon as one of the kids (or the dog) come begging for help (Miles -- I need my butt wiped!), Joe immediately puts his finger on his nose. He's quick draw McGraw, that Joe. I'm a little jealous... I wanna be that quick because I usually get stuck wiping Miles butt, letting the dog out, or seeing what Caitlynn is complaining about. And it leads me to wonder why Miles can't wipe his own butt and why Caitlynn has so many issues lately (she's 10... that explains a lot, actually). The dog can't let herself out, although that would be nice.

Either this "not it" game needs to stop or I need to work on my speed. What kind of conditioning should I be doing to beat Joe at "not it?" I wonder... I'll watch the exercise channel to see if they have any moves I can do to improve my timing.

Because the option to stop playing just isn't there at this time. I mean, really, who wants to get up every 5 minutes to help Miles and Caitlynn? They can be demanding little turkeys.

Not it.

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Spelling Champ

2011-11-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Miles is learning how to spell all sorts of words in first grade. Words like "play," "hide," "mad" have made their way onto his spelling tests. But he's also learned to spell other words, too.

Bad words. Curse words. Swear words. You know which words I'm talking about. The ones I'm not supposed to say in front of the kids but I manage to blurt out in front of the kids, especially during times of duress, like while watching OSU lose to Michigan on Saturday. Friggin Buckeyes. Yeesh.

Anyway...back to Miles and bad words. He was very proud of his accomplishment and came downstairs one day exclaiming, "I know how to spell the S-word." And then he proved to Joe and I how smart he is. "It's spelled S-H-I-T." Great, Miles. I'm so proud of you. Can you use it in a sentence?

However, it isn't just the S-word he knows. Recently I said the A-word in front of Miles and he asked me, "Is that the word that is spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E?" Sure is, buddy.

How does he know how to spell these words? Are they on his spelling list? I admit to not always checking his work from school (bad, mama!) so maybe I'm missing the part where his teacher is preparing the kids for the real world. I wonder if she went over that during parent-teacher conferences. I'll ask Joe since he's the parent that attended those.

But I doubt Miles is learning how to spell bad words from his teacher. She's too nice for that. And I know he isn't learning how to spell from me. I stopped spelling out words a long time ago. Too time consuming. Joe and I have code words for certain things like ice cream and toys. Much easier than spelling it out. Plus, it seems to tax my brain too much. I've got chemistry and anatomy on the brain. Spelling comes last.

Until I find the source of Miles' new wisdom, I'm sure he'll continue to brag about spelling inappropriate words. I just hope he only spells them for Joe and I and not his teacher. That would be an awkward parent-teacher conference.

"I'm a little concerned about Miles. Where did he learn how spell the s-word?"
"Um. I thought you taught him. You are his teacher, right? It wasn't us, that's for sure. We're terrible spellers."

I wonder if Joe and I would be sent to the principal's office?

Good thing he likes us.

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It's time to start the music...

2011-11-22T07:45:00.001-07:00

I'm a Gen-Xer and I'm a fan of the Muppets. Welcome to the support group.

What is it about the Muppets that makes them so appealing? Is it the humor or that they are all a little weird? I'm weird. I have an odd sense of humor. Perhaps I'm a Muppet, too.

They have a new movie coming out this week and Caitlynn and Miles are incredibly excited to see Kermit and the Gang up on the screen. They love the Muppets as much as I do. Here are a few videos of the Muppets that the kids adore. Enjoy!

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Will I always be this silly?

2011-11-13T13:36:00.001-07:00

As I was jumping around the other day, saying to the kids, "It's my brother, Mike who's getting married in July... not daddy's brother, Mike," a thought creeped into the back of my mind.

Will I be this silly when I'm 80 years old?

I sure hope so. I may not be jumping up and down at 80 years of age, for fear of breaking a hip, but I want to preserve this childish behavior.

Yeah, I'm pretty nutty around the house. I joke a lot... like telling Miles that "shoot" (the alternative word for shit) is worse than the "F" word. Of course, I back tracked and told him that it wasn't a bad word at all. But I didn't back track because it was the right thing to do. Nope. I was afraid I'd get caught misguiding my son. I don't need Miles using the "F" word at school because he thinks it's not as bad as the teacher (or Joe) says.

But I am a little on the insane side of things, especially when it comes to parenting. Sure, the kids drive me batty but I have to wonder if it's me that has instigated their actions. Like Miles smearing poo all over the bathroom and apartment when we were trying to potty train him. I can't help but think that it was my fault in some way. Where did the smearing poo come from? Did he think is was chocolate frosting for a cake? I bake cakes. I frost cakes with chocolate icing. Damn it! It's all my fault!

I wonder about my own grandmothers. Were they silly? I'm guessing they weren't. They both fit the perfect image of what a grandmother looks and acts like -- sweet, slow-moving, and a home with a candy dish that is always full. I can't see myself acting like a typical old grandmother when I'm old. I still have 45 years before I'm 80, so perhaps I need to tone down the silliness and start acting like an adult. I have to start practicing sometime. Maybe I need acting classes... not to be in a play but to get prepared for being an adult.

But wait. I like being the odd-ball around the house. The kids expect their mother to be a little off-kilter at times. They rarely take me seriously, except when they know I'm "mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore." Then they get quiet and start blaming each other. Should I be worried that they easily give each other up, rather than stand together in solidarity? Maybe we need to watch more mobster movies to illustrate what happens when you rat people out, especially your family members. Or maybe I'm just that good of an interrogator. If that's the case, I need a job in law enforcement rather than focusing on the food system and dietetics.

At any rate, I plan to stay silly. So, yes, I will continue to slide across the kitchen floor on my way to the refrigerator and I will jump up and down in mocked joy over mundane things, like when Joe goes out to get the mail and comes back in with nothing but bills. Getting excited over getting our gas bill, even if it is fake excitement, makes paying that bill much easier to do.

Life is too short to act like an adult all the time.

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Miles's new talent

2011-10-25T09:36:00.001-06:00

It's every parent's dream to have super-talented kids. Just look at Justin Bieber. I wish I was his mom. That way, my retirement would be funded.

However, instead of raising a Bieber or a Kardashian, my little boy, Miles has been showing off his most recent talent.

Arm pit farting.

Yep, out of all things Miles has learned this year at school, the most memorable is arm pit farting. He learned it from a friend and since then has not been able to stop. We hear arm pit farts while watching the news (followed by a giggle). We hear it in the car. He lets one rip while playing computer games. Heck, I swear I even heard it in my sleep. Perhaps that was just a bad dream or the dog. Who knows.

I asked Miles about his new talent. He was all the more willing to discuss it and share his secrets with the world. He says that to make the perfect arm pit fart, you have to practice. I'm sure that goes with almost anything you want to learn ... cooking, writing, picking your nose. Practice makes perfect. Currently, he's working on the correct cupping of his hand in the arm pit to produce the perfect fart sound. He practices this technique from the time he comes home from school to right before bedtime.

In some ways, he reminds me of a young Derek Jeter, who spent hours as a kid playing baseball and perfecting his game. This dedication Miles has to arm pit farting might just be his ticket to fame, fortune, and super models. Is there a World Series of Arm Pit Farting? I wonder...

As a mother, I want to nurture my kids' talents and encourage them to succeed. If Miles's biggest talent is arm pit farting, then I need to do all I can and support his dreams and aspirations. I certainly don't want to stand in his way of becoming a world class arm pit farter.

He's quite good.

But is he good enough?

Only time will tell.

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Meet Pepper

2011-09-16T19:51:00.001-06:00

So, we added to the family. It was time. The kids need a dog. Or maybe, I need a dog. That's probably more accurate.

Say hello to Pepper, our 4-mth-old lab-mix puppy.

Taking care of a puppy is a lot like taking care of a 2-year-old. We constantly find ourselves saying to the dog (much of it sounds like us talking to Miles when he was 2):

What do you have in your mouth?
Don't eat that!
Drop it!
Stop!
No!
Settle down!
What's that smell?
What is that? It better not be poop.
You poop outside. Not inside.
Stop eating the cat's food!

I'm a little rusty when it comes to dogs. I haven't had one since I lived at home with my mom. Joe and I have been used to raising cats over the past 10 years. Compared to dogs, cats are easy. It's kind of like living with your grandmother. Cats don't care if you're around (or maybe they forgot you live there too), they're litterbox trained, and they bother you when it is time to eat. And they bring you the occasional present, like a dead bird or a barely alive dragon fly.

However, Dexter the Cat is not entirely pleased with the addition of a 4-month-old puppy. I can tell by the way he sits in front of the TV, while we're trying to watch The Daily Show. He stares us down, probably thinking to himself, "I will get them back for this."

Sorry, Dex. Pepper is here to stay. You may want to sharpen your claws.

So... here's Pepper, our energetic, playful pup. She's a handful but Joe's the stay-at-home parent. He gets the joy of training her and cleaning up poo.

Hey, Joe... the dog needs to go on a walk. Have fun with that.

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Don't play with your food

2011-08-28T17:55:00.000-06:00

I remember being told not to play with my food. Food is meant to be eaten, not used as toys. Of course, I was raised in the Casserole and Campbell Soup Era. It's hard to play with a casserole.

Nowadays, we are told to serve wholesome foods and get your kids to eat healthy. Tactics to achieve this include hiding veggies in the food or forcing kids to eat their greens. I'm not one to disguise food or force the kids to eat their veggies.

The next tactic to make dinner time fun, by using Zoo Pals plates. It leaves me wondering, "How exactly do Zoo Pals make eating fun?"

We see this commercial every day and the song keeps playing in my head. As I'm going to sleep, I hear, "oink, oink, zoo pals..." Do these plates actually work with kids? Can kids really be that gullible? Mine aren't that dumb, are they?

I doubt my kids would be snookered into eating their veggies if I served them on the face of an animal. Well... they might be swayed if it broccoli was served on a plate with the face of Hannibal Lector or a Werewolf. If you don't eat your veggies, Hannibal will get you! (And yes, they've seen pictures of Hannibal... am I a bad parent?)

But then again, that might cause nightmares and issues later on. They'll need counseling because they associate broccoli and other veggies with serial killers and monsters.

Maybe that's not a good idea.

I think I'll take a pass at Zoo Pals. Caitlynn is too old and Miles could care less. But, I still want them to enjoy eating meals at the table. I'll keep doing what I aways do and not sweat about veggies, kids, and meal time.

I have enough crap to worry about. Mainly how to get that damn Zoo Pals song out my head.

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Mom always liked you best!

2011-08-10T12:02:00.000-06:00

Okokok... I admit it.

I have a favorite child.

I didn't realize I was playing favorites until it was Saturday afternoon and Joe and I were running errands in different parts of town. That meant we each had to take a child with us. We fought over who would take Caitlynn.

She's our favorite right now.

Why? It's mainly because she's easy to take to public places. She's beyond the crying and whining stage (and asking for gum in the store). She's well behaved and I don't have to worry about her throwing a tantrum because I'm not going to buy her a toy. She just gives me the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. I can deal with that.

Don't get me wrong, I adore Miles, but sometimes... geez. He can get under my skin. It isn't that he's necessarily bad in the stores. The "throwing himself on the floor while screaming and crying" phase is over, but he constantly asks for stuff... toys, movies, gum, candy, etc. It gets tiring.

It wasn't too long ago when Caitlynn acted like Miles in public. She had her moments of scary-child-ness. These are the moments when non-parents make sure they have enough birth control in the cabinet and may be extra cautious -- like by taking the pill and using a condom. No kids for us! They are scary! I can't say I blame them.

But Caitlynn is growing up. She's learned how to behave and now Joe and I play rock-paper-scissors over who gets to take our daughter with us while running errands.

I'm hoping that over the next few years, Miles starts to mature and he can move into the favorite child spot. For now, however, I dread the moments when I have to take him to the grocery store.

I could drug him. That might make it easier.

But then I'd have to deal with glares from other parents, as they see a 6-year-old child laying in the cart with drool coming out of his mouth. What are you staring at? You've never seen a tranquilized child?

Yeah. Parenting is fun.

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Censorship

2011-08-08T10:16:00.000-06:00

Joe and I have never been the censoring type of parents. Ever since Caitlynn was a baby, we have not censored any shows or movies. She was exposed to The Sopranos, Sex and the City, and many R-rated movies. When Miles came along, we started watching Dexter and other shows on HBO, complete with cursing, violence, and adult situations.

Why? Well... the kids really could care less about these shows and movies. They might be in the room but they rarely pay attention to what is happening on the screen.

But it wasn't until we started watching the evening news (both CBS and NBC nightly news casts... yes, we are news junkies) that I felt we needed to censor the programming. It wasn't because of the content of the news casts. It's because of the commercials.

Caitlynn, being an inquisitive 10-year-old, likes to watch the news with us. I'm guessing she has a crush on Brian Williams. He is quite handsome. But Caitlynn has definitely noticed commercials like this one:

It leaves her pondering out loud ... "Why are they in bathtubs?" Yeah, I'm wondering that, too. What's up with the bathtubs?

Not only am I faced with discussing the birds and the bees with Caitlynn, but I somehow have to discuss issues men may have as they get older. Obviously advertisers feel the primary demographic watching the news are Baby Boomers, not Gen-Xers or 10-yr-old kids. That's probably true, but I could do without any prescription drug ads. Not only is Caitlynn noticing Cialis commercials but she notices all drug commercials. She loves listening to the side effects and wonders why we need all these drugs in the first place.

Perhaps it time to start listing side effects for all products advertised on TV. It would make watching commercials a little more entertaining.

For instance, Oreos, America's favorite cookie, would have a list of side effects that sound like this: You may experience weight gain, black specks in your teeth, and intense feeling of thirstiness, especially for a large glass of milk.

Or for Budweiser beer... Consuming large quantities of beer may cause weight gain in the abdomen making it hard to see your lower half. Some users of beer have experienced periods of stumbling and slurring. Vomiting has occurred, especially after large amounts are consumed.

Or, better yet... if we advertised marijuana on TV. Side effects for smoking pot include uncontrollable giggling, consuming large quantities of Funyuns, and bloodshot eyes, making others wonder if you are a Stoner or a Vampire.

But for now, I'm faced with censoring Cialis (and Viagra) commercials or instead of censoring, I just ignore Caitlynn's questions. Huh? What? I don't understand you. Je ne parle pas Anglais.

I'm just not ready to have that discussion yet.

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The 3rd Child

2011-07-26T10:49:00.000-06:00

I can proudly say I am the parent (owner, master, supreme being) of a teenager.

Our cat, Dexter.

Dexter the Cat stays out late every night with his buddies. Each night when I let him in, I can't help but think that I'm raising a teenager. I'm coming close to grounding him for breaking curfew. But what should his curfew be? Joe thinks it should be 9:00, when our other children are getting ready for bed, but I'm the push-over and have been letting Dexter stay out until 12:30. Am I a bad mom?

Since we moved to a bigger home where Dex can run and play outside, I noticed he has made more friends in the neighborhood than Caitlynn and Miles. Every day, Dex heads outside to play after he eats breakfast. More often than not, I see at least one other cat hanging around our back porch, basking in the sun. A few times, this cat has come to our door looking for Dex, as if to say, "Can Dexter come out and play, Mrs. G?" And I find myself looking for Dexter... Hey! Your buddy is here!

What is wrong with me? He's a cat, right?

Perhaps this is giving me experience on how to raise a teenager. Before I know it, Caitlynn will be a teen, asking to hang out with her friends at the mall and going on dates with boys. I even discussed this with her, but I don't think she realizes what's in store as a teen, either. She shot a surprised look at me ... "I'll get to go to the mall by myself?!" Now, she's counting the days until she's in junior high when hanging out with friends outside of home and school is the cool thing to do.

For now, Dexter the Cat is my teenager -- cruising the neighborhood, flirting with girls, knocking down trashcans, and killing baby birds. If I start seeing bandanas or tattoos, I'll start to worry. Otherwise, I'll leave him alone. He's a good kid... cat. He's a good cat.

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These cannot be my kids

2011-07-05T08:09:00.007-06:00

Caitlynn and Miles had to have been switched at birth. They are not my kids. No way. No how.

Sure, ok, they look like Joe and I. They have some of our mannerisms. They are cute and I see my family's good looks shining through. Heck, they are smart little boogers with smart-ass comebacks, much like me.

But according to their taste in music, I just don't see any resemblance. I'm raising a couple of fuddy-duddy's.

Case in point:

We got in our ultra-cool minivan last week turned up the satellite radio because Rage Against the Machine was on. Both Caitlynn and Miles started complaining:

"Turn it down! It's too loud!"

"You really like this music?"

"This music is bad."

"I don't like Rock and Roll."

"This is the music that makes you crazy when you're a teenager."

What?! Excuse me, but Rage Against the Machine is not "rock and roll." It's Rage. I has its own genre... called Rage and yes, it may make you a little crazy. Do I look crazy to you? Don't answer that.

So, we changed the dial to the 80s station, where Duran Duran was playing. Immediately Joe and I started singing along to the radio and then we heard more complaints from the back seat about how bad the music was.

Fuddy-duddys.

It was only a few years ago that Miles thought the music on Dora the Explorer (or the Wonderpets) should have been nominated for a Grammy. And Caitlynn... well, she has a special affinity for Abba, especially from the Mamma Mia soundtrack.

Some day, they'll come around. It will be right at the point where I start complaining about their music.

"This music sucks!"

"You like this?"

"Duran Duran was so much better than this."

And then I'll be called a fuddy-duddy and the kids will wonder if I'm really their mother.

Ah, the circle of life.

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Wait! What? We are actually good at this?

2011-06-21T14:09:00.000-06:00

Joe and I did the unthinkable...

We asked Caitlynn if we were good parents. She said yes... we are good parents.

Whew! I was worried. Time to pour the champagne and kick the kids out for the night! We've got this parenting thing down! I knew I was awesome and this just confirms it. Same for Joe. I guess he's awesome, too.

We then decided to interrogate her on what makes us good parents mainly because we wanted to vary up our routine to have good parenting days and bad parenting days. I like doing social experiments involving my kids. However, Caitlynn didn't like that too much and didn't give us many examples of good parenting. Maybe strapping her down to a chair and shining a bright light in her face wasn't a good way to go. We probably should have done the "good mom, bad dad" routine to illicit a better response.

But basically, she says we're good parents because we don't hover. She likes her space and independence and we seem to give her plenty of that, even though the 2 of us are home nearly every day (working from home and going to school do have it's advantages).

I'd venture to guess that most kids don't want their parents to hover over them like bees swarming a garden of daisies. I know I don't like being micromanaged and I can see that same strong independence in Caitlynn and Miles.

With all of the anxiety we had last year about our parenting skills (Caitlynn had some issues that required a visit to the doctor), it's nice to know that we are actually good at this parenting thing, even if the confirmation is only coming from Caitlynn. It's too bad the doctor can't give us a certificate or diploma (something reading "Marcy and Joe have been awarded the Goodest Parent certificate") to hang on the wall to show off to anyone who comes to the door, like the UPS delivery guy or the guys replacing the siding on our townhome.

But maybe more parents should be like Joe and I and ask their children to assess the parenting skills, rather than relying on Today show segments and books about Tiger Mothers. Your kids will be honest. Maybe too honest, but that's the risk you take.

I'm sure you are all awesome parents, too. Just ask your kids.

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Catch Phrases

2011-06-14T11:05:00.000-06:00

Miles needs a drawstring.

We all have phrases that we tend to repeat more often than not. Caitlynn has a couple -- "I'm bored" and "Can you give me money?" are her two most used phrases. I even have a couple, but they are usually peppered with some sort of expletive. I try to be good and not curse but... And it doesn't help that I'm reading a book right now called Holy Shit. It actually all about manure. I find it fascinating. Oh no! I'm letting my inner-nerd show!

But Miles has many phrases. So many, in fact, he needs to have a drawstring in his back like Woody in the Toy Story movies. In case you forgot, Woody's catch phrases are "There's a snake in my boot!," "Reach for the sky!," and "You're my favorite deputy!"

So... I compiled a list of phrases used by Miles several times a day, even more so now that school is out for summer.

I'm hungry!
Mama!
I got poop!
I'm thirsty!
Gotta Pee!
Can you buy me something?

But to make these phrases a little more movie worthy, these sayings should be edited a bit:

"I'm hungry!" becomes "Feed me, Seymour!"
"Mama!" turns into "(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, let me go"
"I got poop!" actually should read "Ooops, I crapped my pants!"
"I'm thirsty!" morphs into "I drink, therefore I'm thirsty."
"Gotta Pee!" can be said as "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"
"Can you buy me something?" sounds more like "Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!"

I don't think Miles will mind if I pull the string on his back. He seems pretty open to it.

Oh and you get a gold star for the day if you know where some of the phrases above come from. Well, maybe not the thirsty one... that one is mine, but the others are from other sources.

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Thank you notes

2011-06-11T13:32:00.000-06:00

My mom always told me I should send out thank you notes for gifts and after job interviews. Yeah yeah... But what about thank you notes to family members, namely Caitlynn and Miles?

If I wanted to waste some paper, I could write these out longhand and mail them to the kids via the Pony Express. Instead, I'm sharing with everyone what the notes would say if I wasn't so dag-gone lazy about writing notes and too cheap to buy actual notecards for the kids.

Thank you, Miles, for peeing all over the toilet seat. Sure felt great when I sat down.
Thank you, Caitlynn, for informing me that Ghostbuster's 3 is due out in the theatres next summer. Be sure to save your pennies for a ticket and start standing in line now. I'm sure it will be a big hit.
Thank you, Miles, for letting me know that you want a disco-themed birthday party next year, complete with a disco-ball hanging from the ceiling. So, I'm guessing that Goth-themed party I originally had planned is out of the question?
Thank you, Miles, for always informing us when you have to "go." Because I need to know about every #2 you take. I certainly hope you grow out of this by the time you reach puberty.
Thank you, Caitlynn, for waking me up at 3:00 in the morning. Who needs a good night's rest anyway. Apparently I don't.
Thank you, both Miles and Caitlynn, for writing all over my papers for work and school. Crayon and markers are classy and are commonly used in offices all over the country.
Thank you, Caitlynn for always turning to iCarly whenever you find the remote. If I have lines from the show memorized, that's a bad thing.
Thank you both for not killing each other in the car ride to Seattle. I actually mean that in all seriousness.

Miles turned the tables on me today and thanked me for something. Here is a transcript of our exchange:

Miles: Thanks a lot, Mama, for giving me a cold! (yeah, I've been sick lately... not that bad, though)

Me: You are so welcome! Glad you are enjoying it!

Miles: That's not cool, Mama.

So, be sure to thank your loved ones. They'll appreciate it.

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Best weight loss plan... Ever.

2011-06-03T08:05:00.000-06:00

Why waste money on diet programs like Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers when you can adopt the Six-year-old weight loss plan?

What is the Six-year-old weight loss plan? Glad you asked.

It's incredible! You can eat anything, at any time... there is no limit as to how much you can eat. Just be sure to get some fruit and vegetables to cancel out the candy and chocolate.

So, how is this weight loss if you can eat anything?

Well, eating anything means you have to spend time burning off all the calories. The Six-year-old weight loss plan consists of, well, acting like a 6-year-old boy. It includes jumping, skipping, hopping, wiggling in your seat, twirling, dancing, and running around like you have ants in your pants. You have to constantly be moving in order to eat anything thing at any time.

And when I say constantly moving, you have to commit to moving all the time. Say, for instance, you are at a baseball game. Now, these games can be long and at times, boring. Even though the seating is really tight, you can still jump and wiggle in your seat. You'll have 4 hours of "moving" in your seat as you watch your favorite team (Go Indians!). This is a good way to wiggle off the 3 hot dogs you ate before the game started.

Seems like a lot of moving, huh? Well, you may need to employ a few strategies. First, try skipping everywhere. People will look at you funny, but who cares? You certainly won't when you look awesome! Second, you may need to get a tiny stuffed animal and play with it all the time. This will take some imagination as you talk to it, play with it, make it fly, jump around with it, throw it, catch it, bury it, lose it, and then find it. Name your stuffed animal a cool name like Steve or Max. Heck, it could even be your alter-ego. The stuffed animal will keep you moving. Think of it as a personal trainer.

As with anything, there are side effects for the Six-Year-Old weight loss plan, some of which include:

Dizziness when twirling
Peeing your pants when you forget to stop playing
Falling off the bed when you are jumping on it
Extreme giddiness
Inability to use your "inside voice"
Inability to take what your parents say seriously
Inability to focus
Funny looks from other people (they just don't get it)
People asking if you have a "hollow leg"

If you can put up with these side effects, then this weight loss plan is for you!

Don't delay, try it today!

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Wagon Trail

2011-05-31T10:08:00.002-06:00

We took a weekend trip recently to Seattle.

As we drove through the northern Rocky mountains, winding our way through beautiful scenery, I asked Joe if he could imagine traveling this route way back when. You know, way back in the days of horses and wagons.

We both came to the conclusion that it would have sucked. Perhaps that's why my ancestors settled in Pennsylvania and Ohio. Who wants to travel any further when you've got good land and good climate?

But then I got to thinking ... (I was driving at the time and Joe wasn't talking to me. He was singing along with Red Hot Chili Peppers) ... My mind tends to wander some times.

What was it like for the parents and the kids during the times of traveling across the country in a wagon trail?

On our trips, we are constantly bombarded with questions: Are we there yet? How much longer? Caitlynn is a stickler for time and wants to know every 20 minutes our ETA at the destination. She doesn't like my answer of "we'll get there when we get there." Too vague for Miss Fussy Pants.

After Caitlynn asked me for the 15th time that hour, "How much longer to the hotel?", I found myself pondering what sort of things parents in the 19th century told their children who acted like mine, asking lots of questions and wiggling in their seats as I look for a place to take a potty break. Did they get irritated (like we do) when you have a make a bathroom stop 15 minutes after leaving the rest area?

Overhead on the Wagon Trail:

Hell if I know when we'll get there! Never traveled this far west with you dad and he's refusing to stop for directions.
How much longer? We'll be there when the gosh darn wagon quits breaking down.
What? You have to "go" right now? We just packed up an hour ago. Why didn't you "go" then? Can you run and pee? We aren't going that fast.
Can you "hold it" until we stop? It will be just over those mountains... they don't look that far away.

But just think about traveling back then. There weren't any rest areas, no gift shops, no stores selling a thousand different types of snack food and soda pop. Heck, there wasn't even any gum for them to chew (it's our "shut up" tool on long car rides, along with Tootsie Roll Pops).

Yeah, traveling back then would have sucked, especially with Caitlynn and Miles. Glad I'm around now.

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Love Bites

2011-05-27T07:41:00.000-06:00

Love triangles exist everywhere... soap operas, movies, TV shows, and in Kindergarten.

Yep Kindergarten. Love triangles. You heard right.

For the past few months, Miles has been bullied at school by one of his classmates. This bully has punched Miles in the stomach a few times and has been sent to the principal's office for his wrong-doings (yeah, he better be sent to the office... that little turd muffin... hittin my kid... how dare he?).

Joe and I were worried that the bullying was a result of Miles's speech (he has a mild stutter). Oy vey. We even had a meeting at school about it.

But... I found out the real reason for the bullying.

The bully is jealous of Miles.

You see, Miles has a female admirer. I haven't seen this little girl because, frankly, I rarely ever see the kids at school (that's Joe's arena). However, I have met with his teacher and she thinks it's a good match and she didn't seem too surprised that Miles has a female fan. He's always had a fan club of sorts. Girls like him. Boys want to be his friend. Yeah. He's that awesome.

Matters get sticky whenever I bring up his admirer. Miles gets embarrassed and upset, so I try not to bring up the topic. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with a crying 6-year-old.

I wanted to learn more about his female buddy, so I waited until we had a chance to talk about his bully (the sneaky Mom trick). Miles was quite frank about it... his bully likes his female friend, but the female friend doesn't like the bully. And ... it gets better ... they all sit at the same table. Every day, the kinder-love triangle gets played out for all to see. Yeah. Hollywood couldn't have written a better script.

The only thing I'm unsure of is if Miles likes his female soul mate. He's at the stage where "girls are gross" and he would rather not discuss matters of the heart with his mamma.

For now, he'll the elusive boy that everyone wants to be with but is waiting for his real soul mate to enter stage right or through the doors of the gymnasium that is decked out in balloons and streamers for the end of the year dance.

Or it will be until he stops thinking girls are made of smelly goo.

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Say what?

2011-04-29T12:58:00.000-06:00

In the past, I posted a few Miles-isms. He's a funny little kid, whether he means to be or not. Lately, his favorite thing to say is "yeeeesh." He usually says this when I ask him to do something and he doesn't do it and then I have to remind him... A typical exchange between Miles and I would sound like this:

Me: Miles, pick up your toys.

Miles: ok...

Several minutes/hours/days/years go by... Miles still has not picked up his toys.

Me: Miles! Pick. Up. Your. Toys. Now.

Miles: Yeeesh, Mama. ok!

And he begrudgingly does it.

Caitlynn, on the other hand, has her own set of Caitlynn-isms. Just this past week, she said 2 things that I actually had to write down. She's a funny one, that Caitlynn.

Exchange #1:

Me: Caty, you're being weird.

Caitlynn: Yeah. It runs in the family.

Exchange #2:

Caitlynn: We need more candy!

Me: Why? We've had enough candy.

Caitlynn: I need a sugar rush!

Well... at least she's being honest. She is weird and she does come by it naturally. Runs on Joe's side of the family.

Happy Friday!

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For New Parents

2011-04-22T06:42:00.011-06:00

So many people I know are having babies or are pregnant -- and they are all new parents. It's been 10 years since our first was born. Joe and I were a bit lazy when it came to the whole child birth thing. We didn't go to birthing classes or do anything special besides pack a bag and get the nursery ready. I remember going through the nesting period about 3 days before we had Caitlynn. I just had to get everything ready for the new arrival.

Anyway... so with all the new parents out there words of wisdom from yours truly...

You will not be perfect at parenting.
You will make mistakes.
If you plan on having more kids, you tend to over-analyze and dote over over child #1. As for the next child, you know what to expect and leave them alone more.
You will learn the specific cries ... the "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse" cry, the "OMG! Who is that scary person" cry, the "I'm in pain" cry, or the "I need your full unbridled attention, now, Mom" cry. And eventually, as the kids get older, you will learn their fake cries.
At some point you will curse your kids, like when you are scraping bubble gum off the floor or when they get glitter glue all over the dining table.
Be prepared not to have pretty things around the house for the first 5 years (maybe longer if you have boys).
They are funny, yes... and they will repeat what you say at inappropriate times.
They hear everything.
Saying "NO" is not a bad thing.
As your child gets older, they will want some personal space. Be sure they get it.
Expect them to act like angels at school and at other people's homes but like terrors when they are home with you.
It's ok to listen to your favorite music in the car. You hear crappy kids music all the time at home, why listen to it in the car? Take advantage of being in control of the radio/CD/iPod while they are young. Once Bieber-fever hits (or in my case, Abba fever), you have lost all control of the music being played in the car.
Do yourself a huge favor... do not grocery shop with the kids, especially between the ages of 3-6.
You know... it's ok to interrupt nap-time. Seriously... why all the scheduling of naps?
For your own sanity, give yourself some me-time about once a week.
Let them play in the dirt. Encourage them to dig a hole with a stick or just have them figure it out on their own. Kids need to get dirty every once in awhile. Probably boosts their immune system.
Don't be surprised if the most played with toy is either the cheapest one or the actual box the most expensive toy came in.
Sit back and silently watch them play, especially during the toddler years. It's pretty amazing to see them use their imaginations.
Be sure you know the real scientific explanations for questions like, "Why is the sky blue?" Why? Because the first time they hear a long-drawn out explanation with lots of big scientific words, the less likely they will be to ask you another hard question. As they get older and can read, just say, "Look it up on the internet."
Save trips to Disney World for when they are old enough to appreciate it and won't be frightened by a giant mouse wanting to hug them.

That's all the words of wisdom I have for now. Parenting is challenging, but it's always good to find humor in it.

Congrats to Steph and Jordan, Jason and Shannon, and Steph (2-pants) and Jorge.

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I'm around... I swear!

2011-03-21T10:40:00.000-06:00

My goodness how time flies when you're having fun. I have neglected this blog and I'm sorry that I have. It isn't like the kids haven't given me material to write about, because they have. Trust me. Like when Miles put his shirt on inside out and Joe pointed it out to him and Miles said, "So that's why my armpits are cold." Because having a shirt on wrong, will create cold armpits? I guess so. Remember that next time you are putting on your clothes. You don't want cold armpits.

Or... having to listen to Caitlynn's new favorite songs every time I'm in the car with her... Dancing Queen by Abba (she prefers the one on the Mamma Mia soundtrack) and YMCA by The Village People. I now regret these purchases for my iPod and more importantly, I regret hooking the iPod up to the car stereo. Caitlynn hates it when I do the YMCA dance in the car. Of course, I am driving when the song is playing and placing my hands above my head to form a Y makes it hard to drive (but Miles informed me that I can drive with my knees ... well, duh, I knew that!). I don't text-and-drive but I do dance and drive. Is that against the law? I'm wondering what is next on Caitlynn's list of favorite songs. Perhaps I can introduce her to Celebration by Kool and the Gang or Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

I promise to write a little more often. It's just that school is demanding a lot from me and I just haven't had the time.

I leave you until next time with Kool and the Gang:

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Hey Steve!

2011-03-01T07:11:00.002-07:00

Miles has a weird fascination with the name Steve. I don’t get it. We all seem to get hung up on words, or at least I do. I find that if I repeat a word long enough out loud then it starts to sound funny.

Try it. Say “endorse” 20 times aloud. Starts to sound a little weird, eh?

Anyway…

So, Miles likes the name Steve. He’s been writing it on pieces of paper for the past few months. He drew a robot and named it Steve. He also named a stuffed animal Steve. Specifically, the stuffed animal is actually a black and white hamster (one of those Webkinz toys).

Normally, I’m happy to go along with the Steve bit. Steve, this. Steve, that. However, I’m a little tired of Steve the (stuffed) Hamster. He seems to be getting in all sorts of trouble lately.

For instance, I caught Steve the (stuffed) Hamster lounging on the dining room table. I’m not a neat freak, by any means, but I have rules about animals on the table. If Dexter the (actual) Cat is not allowed to sit on the table – his favorite place, by the way – then Steve the (stuffed) Hamster is not allowed to either. He was just sitting there all day long while Miles was away at school. He got in Dexter the (actual) Cat’s way and ended up on the floor. I think Dexter was claiming his territory. Steve didn’t put up much of a fight. Wimp.

Then sometimes I find Steve in my bed. I woke up next to Minnie Mouse last week. She wasn’t that intrusive, aside from the weird staring bit, but I’m not keen on sharing a bed with rodents. Plus, I didn’t know Steve was in bed and I laid on him – mighty uncomfortable, I might add. Steve got thrown across the bedroom. I’m finding that Steve the (stuffed) Hamster is very aerodynamic. Look! Flying hamster! I think that’s a new species!

But Steve seems to be everywhere. He even went out to dinner with us. Didn’t pick up the bill, but ordered lots of food and didn’t eat very much.

Damn you, Steve.

I might have to order a hit on Steve. Maybe I can hire Dexter the Cat for the job. Nah, he’s too expensive (you should see his list of demands – 10 hours/day of constant petting and eating breakfast promptly at 6:30 am. Geez.) Rather, I can pay off the Gang of 12 – Caitlynn’s very own Webkinz. Their leader – a mighty Tiger. The job will be done with stealth-like precision.

Goodbye, Steve. Nice knowing ya!

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Graphic Conversations

2011-02-26T12:42:00.000-07:00

In case you ever see us eating in public, you may want to avoid eavesdropping on our conversations.

The other night, Joe and I took the kids out to dinner. Miles has a tendency to not only talk a lot but he also talks really loud. You can hear his conversations even when you are 200 yards away.

Dinnertime (either at home or shoved in a booth at a local restaurant) is a time for kids and parents to converse about life. My kids tend to have lots and lots of questions... about many different subjects. Since we eat at home most of the time, people aren't aware of what we talk about. It's usually regular stuff... about school, friends, family. Yeah. We talk about family all the time. Just so you know... family members, who read this blog...

However, the kids decided to save the best conversation for the other night while we ate burritos at Baja Fresh. We talked about bugs. Eating bugs. Which bugs would taste good to eat. Bugs that we do eat that live in the sea -- crabs, lobsters, etc. Gross bugs that reside in jungles... that seem to find their way into cuisines around the world. Incidentally, bug eating is becoming the new "food trend" as of late (MSU hosted a "bug lunch" on Friday). The kids are fascinated by it. But, restaurant patrons sitting around us listening to Miles carry on and on about gooey, icky bugs, were a little grossed out by what they were hearing. Sorry, folks.

In addition to the edible (or not-so-edible) bugs, the conversation also covered human digestion. The kids were quite curious about what sorts of things humans can digest.

Can humans digest paper?
What about plastic?
Metal?
Glass? -- Miles made the connection that glass might cut your insides.

I'm not sure how other parents handle these types of conversations but I'm more than willing to play along. I like encouraging them to think about strange (even gross) things... Not every conversation as to be about hearts and flowers or about family members.

You've been warned. Should you ever have the privilege to eat with us, conversations might not be what you expect.

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I created Monsters.

2011-02-19T07:05:00.002-07:00

I have only myself to blame. Well, and Joe, too. And... my parents, because they created me. And... my grandparents (all of them) because they created my parents.

We're all to blame for creating the monsters that are called Caitlynn and Miles. Ok... they aren't really monsters. It's only on Tuesdays that they show their fangs and sharp claws.

You know, I realize that through the magic of genetics and DNA and chromosomes (I'll stop with the biology 101 lecture), that the kids have picked up certain traits of mine. I thought I was special (and maybe I am) but now I see the kids picked up a few of my traits... ones that I thought made me who I am. I thought these were "Marcy only traits."

For those who know me personally, you are going to learn some new things about me. And for those who don't know me (but wish you did) will learn some odd things about that weird chick who complains about her kids or makes them watch the Lawrence Welk Show when they are bad. AND... for those of you who don't really care who I am but find this whole thing just a weeeee bit amusing, will learn that I passed on some frustratingly annoying traits to my kids.

Here we go...

So... At the moment, Miles is sick with a sinus infection. This is his first real sickness that made us take him to the doc. He was keeping everyone awake at night with constant coughing. Yep... it's more than a cold. The doctor, in all her glory, prescribed him antibiotics to cure the infection. Fine. Caitlynn is a champ with antibiotics -- since she's the one who has taken them the most for ear infections. But this isn't Caitlynn we're dealing with. It's Miles. And he's not-so-great about taking medicine. He gags at the taste (grape flavored) of the thick antibiotic liquid that he needs to down 2x per day for 10 whole days. He literally gags (and sometimes partially vomits) at the taste and smell of the medicine. It's so much fun. Anyone want to watch Miles right now? We've got 7 days left of the medicine. Take him. Please. Return him on day 8, hopefully cured.

Where did he get this from? Me. Yep. I'm the one who, as a child, would take an hour to sip 2 tablespoons of Nyquil or any cough medicine. Frustrating? You betcha. I didn't gag like Miles but I did throw little tantrums over medicine. But now I'm an adult and my aversion to medicine has waned. But... when Joe told me to try Miles' medicine to see if he'd (Miles) would like it, I turned my nose up at it and said, "Hell, no, I'm not trying that!" Yeah. I know. I'd probably act like Miles if I was forced to take the medicine, too. Glad I don't have a sinus infection.

Then... there's Caitlynn. Of all the awesome traits I have to offer, she gets the one where she hates her mom washing and brushing her hair. My mom washed and brushed my hair way back when. Every time she did... I cried and threw a fit. "You're hurting me!" "Ouch!" And my mom replied, "Oh calm down. It isn't that bad!" Strangely enough, this sounds like me and Caitlynn. She thinks her head will bleed as I brush out the knots in her hair. I haven't seen blood yet.

I have many other traits to give... awesome ones, like my ability to remember every word to the Guns N Roses song, Sweet Child Of Mine or my gracefulness of constantly stubbing my toes or running into things.

Why couldn't they have gotten these traits? Well... Caitlynn did inherit the Abba gene from me (I happen to like Abba... strange... considering I listen to alternative or classical music all day long). She's obsessed with the movie Mamma Mia and all the music from it. Nope. No Bieber fan here. Abba.

There's hope yet.

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Ideas to ruin snow days for the kids

2011-02-03T15:42:00.003-07:00

My kids are lucky. They don't get snow days here in Bozeman, Montana. When it snows, no matter how many inches (24 inches last year in one day), school remains open. It's up to me and Joe to get them to school in a timely manner. It makes life here that much more fun.

You think I'm crazy to say that my kids are lucky not to have snow days. In the rare occasion they would ever get to stay home because a blizzard came to town (and that would have to be one hell of a blizzard by Montana standards), I have a list of ways to entertain the kiddos. Based on this list, I'm sure they would enjoy to spend a fun-filled day home with Joe and I.

Organize the sock drawer by "small holes," "big holes," and "used to be white."
Look for that missing puzzle piece.
Actually search out the location of the Missing Sock Abyss
Paint the cat's nails bright neon orange
Dress up as a snowman and go door to door asking for a cup of hot cocoa and then run away screaming, "I'm melting!"
Make a mosaic using thumb tacks
Play "1000 dust bunny pick up"
Work on long, complicated calculus problems for hours on end. Fun for the whole family!
Listen to daddy read aloud from Hegel's Phenomenology of Spirit (theology book written a long time ago).
No TV except to watch Bonanza reruns dubbed in Russian
Only game they can play is Pong on a small black and white TV

Now, some of these things sound like of fun.

I always wanted to watch Bonanza in Russian.

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For Da Bears fans out there

2011-01-23T10:06:00.000-07:00

Go Bears.

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Suggestions for Boredom

2011-01-22T09:04:00.001-07:00

Ever notice that in the dead of winter kids go a little stir-crazy? No? Maybe it's just my kids, but good golly almighty, Caitlynn and Miles act like maggots on garbage this time of year. They're everywhere I am and I can't seem to shake them.

You know, we tell them to play outside in the cold, but they don't want to. They want to bother us from the minute they return home from school to the moment their heads hit the pillow. With the help of Joe, I've come up with suggestions to help them kill the boredom and their willingness to swarm around us while we either study, write, or watch old episodes of Lost. It isn't like they don't have entertainment. We have TV and a computer and they have thousands of toys and books.

Since the toys and books are not working, Joe and I are giving the kids suggestions to pass the time:

Go have a farting contest.*
Go annoy each other in the freezing cold.
1000 Thumb Tack pick up.
208 Card Pick Up.
Try to teach Dexter the Cat to use the toilet.
Gather up all the dust bunnies in the corners and under the sofa and make yourself a pillow.

*The farting contest was an actual suggestion Joe made to the kids. He and I were in our office doing some work (really, we were working and studying) and the kids came barging in to bother us about something urgent (like they just discovered the Moon -- WOW! AMAZING! WE NEED TO NOTIFY NASA!). Joe suggested they leave us alone and go have a farting contest. And... you know what? They actually got excited about it and went into the other room to see who had the most smelly... well... you know.

Caitlynn won.

That's my girl!

See... these suggestions do work but they don't come with a money-back guarantee.

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Battle Cry of the Sloth Mother

2011-01-20T08:24:00.080-07:00

I’m here to admit that I’m a Sloth Mother. With all the talk lately about Tiger Mothers, I think it’s time for Sloth Mothers to speak up.

I’ve come to realize that while my kids might be smart, they are not geniuses and probably won’t grow up to cure the common cold or AIDS or play a Chopin concerto at Carnegie Hall.

And that’s ok.

I’m not going to force them to spend hours upon hours doing math problems or practicing the piano or violin. With their school, my school, and work, who has the time for that type of devotion?

The things that concern me right now about my kids:

Are they learning what they need to at school? If not, what do I need to do to help them out?

Are they happy?

Do they have friends?

I also want them to be able to explore, learn how to be independent, and how to use their imaginations. I don’t think forcing Caitlynn to work on math for 3 hours at night will help her in these areas. Sure, she would win a few math contests but I’m guessing her creative skills would take a huge plunge. I'm in graduate school and with all the science courses I am taking this semester, I crave a creative outlet and I can see this trait in Caitlynn and Miles. They want to be creative and draw me weird pictures of robots named Steve with chainsaw arms (an actual drawing by Miles).

As a Sloth Mother, I care about my kids and their well being. In their future endeavors I want them to be happy with what they are doing. The last thing I want is for each child to worry about shaming the family for not getting into an Ivy League school. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to go to college (far away from home, preferably), but some state schools are just as good as Ivy League schools. (Love and honor to Miami, a college old and grand…)

To me, success is not measured by the size of a paycheck or the diploma hanging on the wall. It is measured by the amount of joy you have in your life and whether or not you feel fulfilled. If Caitlynn would rather be an archaeologist working in Egypt (something she’s suggested), then I will fully support her decision to accomplish that dream. It’s her life and her path. Not mine.

Lastly, kids need to spend time being kids. Otherwise, they’ll grow up wondering where their childhood went and end up resenting you for it when they get older.

So, yeah, I’m proud to be a Sloth Mother. I'm much more tame. I won't bite your arm off.

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Oh No! Don't do that!

2011-01-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

I have a habit of eavesdropping on the kids while they are in one room and I'm laying in bed contemplating whether or not I should get up and make them breakfast.

One such morning (a Saturday morning, to be exact), I decided to sleep in and I overheard Miles making threats to Caitlynn, which I then posted to Facebook, because my friends like to hear senseless threats my kids make to one another. And because I thought it was funny. Miles threatened Caitlynn with "I'll give you a paper cut!" Now, I'm not sure the context of the threat. Perhaps it was warranted, like she took all the paper in the house and was threatening him that she'll write on each and every page with nothing but a scribble. Who knows. I was in bed, minding my own business and wondering if Joe had gotten up to make the coffee (he did, btw... such a good husband).

In light of the Paper Cut Threat of 2011, I decided to compile a list of other senseless threats that Miles and Caitlynn can use on each other. Since Caitlynn reads the blog, I'm sure I'll hear these the next time Miles is bothering her.

If you don't watch out, I'm going to change the channel to Barney.

I'm gonna shock you (with static electricity, not with a stun gun... although... that might be funny).

If you don't stop, I'm going to poke you in the arm!

Watch as I point my finger at you while I talk loudly.

See? I'm pretending to touch you. I'm not really touching you.

Stop or I'm gonna fart in your face!

And perhaps, the biggest threat of all:

I'm gonna tell Mom!

If I hear this last one, I'll pretend to be asleep. I don't like to meddle in petty arguments. I can sleep (or pretend sleep) through anything, even 2 kids yelling at each other.

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It has started.

2011-01-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

Talking on the phone. Liking boys.

Caitlynn has entered the tweens.

I had break this news to Joe gently. He's been waiting for the time to come when his little girl starts growing up, liking boys, and asking to call her friends. Yeah, well... The time is now. Joe needs to prepare himself mentally to deal with a tween girl. Just wait until she actually starts dating (a few years off, thankfully). He told her she's not allowed to date until she's 25. I probably should not have told him stories from my own teen years.

As a mother, do I need to prepare myself for these years of development with my girl? Sort of. I need to brush up on my secret agent skills and subtle interrogation methods -- you know... kind of passive aggressive interrogation. For instance, I ask her questions at random moments to see if I can garner any valuable information about the boy she likes in her class. It's working so far. That's how I figured out she likes a boy. She liked another one but her friend told him (say it with me ladies -- Oh no she din't!). And she has started calling her friends on the phone, which prompted me to make some phone rules. If only her little brother would leave her alone when she's jabbering on and on about so and so.

Right now I cannot depend on Miles to give me any good information. That will come later when he gets older and learns to be a snitch for his mom. The only thing he's good for at the moment is teasing Caitlynn about boys and irritating her when she's talking to her friends. That's what younger siblings do. It's their job.

Now the fun begins!

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Happy Holidays!

2010-12-31T08:28:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't abandoned the blog completely. I have lots and lots of other things going on and the kids have been rather boring lately. Yeah. I said it. Boring with a capital B. They need to liven things up around here. Pull each other's hair out... pee on the wall... bake the cat... something. Anything.

Of course Caitlynn did describe hummus recently by saying "It looks like puke but it tastes great." And she told me my chili wasn't as good as her teacher's. Thanks, kiddo. You are well on your way to being teacher's pet.

And Miles has been up to his usual self by tearing apart everything we own. All over the house, I find little pieces of paper, projects, books, ornaments, decorations -- you name it, he's probably decided it needs to be taken apart. I'm glad he doesn't have access to screwdrivers or else we won't be able to watch TV, use the toaster, or go online. He better be a genius.

I plan to write more in the coming year, but the posts will probably only be once a week. I have a busy semester coming up for school and I write another blog that requires some face-time as well.

See you in the new year.

Happy New Year!

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Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

A little movie from the kids. They had fun over the year playing with my computer and making videos.

Have a happy and joyous holiday!

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The Year in Review

2010-12-15T08:11:00.008-07:00

Every December you see year end top 10 lists recounting the happenings of the past 12 months. This year, I've decided to follow suit.

Top 10 Happenings in the lives of the kids for 2010 (in no particular order)

I had open heart surgery in January. That was the biggest happening of the year by far. Doing well, btw. Thanks for asking.
Went camping at Yellowstone in late May in freezing rain and snowing conditions. Tested our grit and our toughness. Good thing we only live 2 hours away.
Caitlynn and Miles sold lemonade in the neighborhood to make a little money. Miles told everyone it was $25/cup instead of 25¢/cup. Big difference.
Along those same lines, Caitlynn made potholders and sold them for a $1 to our neighbors. Suckers!
Both Caitlynn and Miles learned how to ride their bikes over the summer.
Miles started Kindergarten in the fall.
We traveled back east to visit our families. Stopped at Wall Drug in South Dakota on the way home. Don't understand what the fuss is all about.
Visited Stormy (and kids) in Colorado. It was our first time to Colorado (beautiful state) and we met baby Indie, too. Caitlynn loves babies.
Miles found out that Santa isn't real.
Went camping at Letchworth State Park in New York. Not really exciting except that we had raccoons outside our tent each and every night. They made purring sounds, tried to find our food stash, and sniffed our heads while we slept.

I'm not sure what 2011 has in store for us. I start graduate school and will be extremely busy at the start of the year, working and being a teaching assistant in a culinary class (exciting!!!). Joe is planning to finish up his PhD by this time next year. The kids will continue to eat all the food in the house and grow taller and taller. And of course, they will continue to drive us nuts.

More antics of our lives coming soon.

Have a great holiday season!

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Ding dong Santa's dead.

2010-12-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

Oh boy. Um. Well. I don't know how to tell you this but... Miles knows Santa isn't real. Y'all can go home now. Thanks for coming out this year to help keep up the charade. It meant a lot. Have a safe journey home.

Caitlynn has been telling Miles for the past year that I was the one who ate Santa's cookies last Christmas. She saw me put the presents under the tree and eat the cookies. However, no matter how many times she tells him this, he still isn't believing her. Mama couldn't possibly be Santa. Santa's a boy. Mama's a girl!

Then last week, Joe and Miles had "the talk."

No. Not that talk.

The Santa talk.

Joe explained who Santa really was -- a guy named St Nicolas who died a long time ago. So Miles prodded a little more and Joe explained the whole charade to Miles... It's all fake. It's all a ruse. Santa isn't real. It's just a story. That's all.

What did Miles takeaway from all this?

1. Santa is dead.
2. The Santa at the mall is fake and stole the real Santa's clothes after he died.

The other night Miles and I went to a Christmas party and I was curious about how this whole Santa business was going to play out. I told Miles that "Santa" was going to make an appearance that evening. When we got there, Miles kept asking when "fake Santa" was going to show up. When fake Santa finally came in, Miles waited patiently in line to sit on his lap. And he even told "santa" what he wanted for Christmas. Miles played along quite nicely.

I'm glad Miles played along with the whole charade. It would have been rather embarrassing if he had stormed the stage and pointed at Santa while yelling, "Impostor! You're not real! You're fake Santa! You make me sick!"

No, that would not have been embarrassing. That would have been flippin' hilarious.

Now, I wish that would have happened. Maybe I should have coached Miles more. Told him what to do or say to Santa. Pee on his lap! Tell him he's a phony! Pull on his beard. I bet it ain't real!

Yeah, I know. I'm such a great mother.

So, remember... Santa is dead and all the other Santa's are fakes who stole his clothes.

Damn grave robbers!

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Schooling the kids

2010-12-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

It's nice to rely on pop culture to teach kids how spell. Makes my job as a parent much easier.

Jiminy Cricket spelled out encyclopedia in Pinocchio.

The Bay City Rollers spelled out Saturday (one of Caitlynn's spelling words this week). Thanks for the help, guys!

Or how to use conjuctions properly...

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Blow Dart Gun Part Deux

2010-12-06T07:06:00.001-07:00

Ah, the Holidays. Time for sharing. Time for giving.

And time for really damn annoying Hallmark commercials.

My kids are annoying enough. I don't need chatty Cathy running around telling me how many hours until Christmas. Oh goodness no. When I first started the blog, I wrote about Joe wanting to use a Blow Dart gun on our own children. Yeah. Like we would ever do that. We dream of doing it but we don't have the guts ... or a blow dart gun.

So, when Joe and I were watching TV the other night and saw this commercial, he turned to me and said, "This commercial shows us when a blow dart gun would be an effective parenting tool."

I know Hallmark is trying to be cute but this commercial gives me reason not to buy this ornament. I don't want my children pestering me about Christmas any more than they already do. Caitlynn is already telling me every morning how many days until the big day. Miles is still clueless on the matter, however. He knows Christmas is coming but is unsure as to when. Could it be tomorrow? The day after? I can't wait! Oh the suspense for a 5 year boy who can't read a calendar.

But this annoying ornament reminds me of one we had when I was a kid. We had an ornament of a bird that chirped when you plugged it in. You are thinking... Ahhh... so cute! Sure was but every time we turn it on, our dog would go bonkers and start barking at the tree. So now you're thinking... Funneee! Yeah it was funny, until we annoyed Mom and Dad with all the chirping and barking. Not a good combo. Mysteriously one year that ornament ended up missing. Either the bird or the dog had to go...

So, I'm not going to buy any annoying ornaments for the tree. No birds chirping or Christmas countdown clocks.

I don't need the kids barking at the tree.

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Law and Order

2010-11-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

Miles was mad at Caitlynn.

He asked me if he could sue her.

I said, "Of course. You can sue anyone for anything."

Even though I resolved the situation by telling Miles he wouldn't win because he had no grounds for suing and that Caitlynn was well within her right to refuse to help him out, he was still curious about suing people.

I could see the wheels churning in his mind (and probably Caitlynn's) -- sue anyone for anything? That opens up so many possibilities! I can see it now, the kids are going to try suing me for embarrassing them in public or for not cutting the crusts off the sandwich.

Sure they can go ahead and try to sue me. I'm prepared for any legal battles the kids may bring me. I thought about going to law school once and even studied for the LSAT. I'm pretty sure that gives me enough legal know-how for me to represent myself in Gaston Family Court. Plus, I've seen every episode of Law and Order. I know how the system works now. First there's a murder and then the detectives catch the bad guys and then the prosecution takes them to court. Quite simple, really.

Ok... so there won't be any murders here and detectives won't come knocking at our door looking to investigate the crime of the century, "Mama didn't put enough chocolate powder in the chocolate milk."

Even so, I know the judge quite well. His name is Joe and if he doesn't rule in my favor then there will be consequences. Like... me not cooking for a week. Besides, it was in our marriage vows (almost positive it was)... "I (Joe) shall always side with my wife when the kids sue her for trivial matters, including, but not limited to, singing along with the radio, forgetting to pack their school lunches, or not making the chocolate milk to the exact specifications as described by Caitlynn." Funny thing is, I don't remember saying the same vow for Joe. Sorry, babe. You're on your own if the kids sue you.

So, yeah. I'll win. In the off chance I lose, I'm paying them with Monopoly money. Heck, I might even throw in a hotel to sweeten the deal.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T09:31:00.003-07:00

It's my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving.

While we are giving thanks and eating lots of good food, here's a little clip from one of my favorite holiday movies, Home for the Holidays. Enjoy!

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My kids' junk is now your Christmas present

2010-11-23T09:09:00.001-07:00

The kids are overly excited about the holidays this year. I'm refusing to even think about Christmas until after Thanksgiving. It's bad enough Christmas music is playing in stores right now. Can't they wait until Black Friday? Play normal music until 12 midnight on Thanksgiving and then turn up the Bing Crosby C-mas tunes. Yeah. I know... Bah humbug to you, too.

Anyway... back to the issue at hand. The kids. Excited. About Christmas.

Caitlynn has been asking me every day for the past couple of weeks the same questions: When are you buying gifts? What are you buying cousin Ethan for Christmas? When are you decorating for Christmas? Every. Single. Day. Since Halloween. I have had a conversation about Christmas with my daughter. I'm on the verge of turning into Scrooge.

She is really concerned about buying cousin Ethan a great gift. I have a few things in mind for Ethan. He's a funny kid and deserves funny gifts. However, I'm not sure he would enjoy the gifts Caitlynn has picked out for him. She and Miles went "shopping" for Ethan's present in their room and they showed me the "presents" they wanted to give their cousin.

Suffice it to say, I now have a list of things Ethan will not be receiving on Christmas:

Paperclips
A mini MSU (ahem... Montana State U) ball with the lettering worn off
Ken's head
Barbie's leg
A white plastic block from the "Ice Breakers" game
A used pencil without an eraser
A battery (probably a dead one)

Ethan, you owe me a big "Thank you!" for not sending you a box of junk from the floor of Caitlynn and Miles' room. They were quite serious about sending you paperclips and the MSU ball.

This reminds me of the time when my brother (Ethan's dad) and his wife (Ethan's mom) gave me a bunch of birthday "gifts" that were actually things that I owned. They went through my room and wrapped up various things ... shoes, socks, undies, etc. In addition to all these "gifts" they also gave me a Chia Pet.

Nice.

Gag gifts are always fun. However, sending various objects from the bottom of the toy bin doesn't really work for me. Like I said, I have something else in mind for Ethan and Caitlynn will have to just wait and see.

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A new phrase for you: Food Tank

2010-11-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

This week the New Oxford American Dictionary said that Sarah Palin's "refudiate" is the top word of 2010. I'm not sure I will ever use this word, but it's nice to know it's out there for my use. I'm still trying to figure out how to incorporate all the GRE words I had to learn into every day conversations. Words like obviate and officious are hard to use on a daily basis. But thanks anyway, Sarah. Really appreciate a new Scrabble word.

Around these parts, we have the top phrase of 2010, as published by the Gaston Clan Dictionary -- Food Tank. The top phrase has been uttered all year long by Miles when he refers to his stomach. For example:

"My food tank is full."

Or

"I need to fill up my food tank."

I, being a slacker mom, do not really know the origin of the phrase "food tank." Joe and I still use the old school saying "hollow leg" when referring to how much Miles eats in a day. You know... we say things like, "My God! How much can you eat? Do you have a hollow leg or something?"

I'd like to think that Miles is a genius lexicon-er, making up his own words and phrases (wow, like Sarah!), but I know better than that. He's not a genius (sorry, Sarah, neither are you) but it is funny how much he likes to use this phrase. Heck, I even use it now. I'm constantly asking him if his food tank needs filled. Miles is a growing boy, so his food tank is always running on empty it seems.

Miles was slow to talk when he was a toddler. If only his speech therapist could see him now! He's making up phrases and babbles on and on about Spiderman and anything else occupying his mind. We can't shut him up about anything, especially about his food tank.

Well, it is time for me to step away from the computer to find out if Miles' food tank needs a "fill 'er up" or just a "top 'er off." My food tank is full of coffee. Or maybe that's my drink tank. I don't know. I'll ask Miles what he thinks.

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Wait. What? She wants to be duped?

2010-11-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

I don't get it. I just don't understand.

Caitlynn wants me to dupe her? Huh?

Ok, so it starts like this... if you know me personally (most of you who read this blog do -- and you are so lucky, I might add because I'm the greatest -- teehee...), you know that I cook a lot. I make dinner almost every night. Even with my better-than-average cooking skills, my kids don't always want to eat what I make. Sure, they love certain dishes, but I cannot for the life of me get them to eat real macaroni and cheese (what!?) and homemade chicken nuggets (what what say what?!). I know. I've mentioned this before. My kids are weird. They've been brainwashed by Kraft and Tyson. Damn you, processed food giants!

I am also not a mother who hides or masks vegetables in meals in order to dupe my kids into eating healthy. In fact, I'm totally against this tactic simply because it creates an unhealthy relationship with food. It teaches kids that eating vegetables has to be done in a sneaky manner and it adds a whole level of deceit into dinner time. In my opinion, just serve the vegetables along with the other food. Let them see the beautiful colors of vegetables. Serving 2 vegetables with a meal should be the norm. Eventually the kids will "get it."

So, I've struggled to get my 2 munchkins to eat veggies. But I figured out the ways they will eat them. Caitlynn prefers hers to be pureed (she loves leek and potato soup) and Miles will eat a bowl of chili with peppers and onions (but not carrots).

In addition to veggies served in soup form, they both love smoothies. The more berries, the better. Fruit is always easy for them to eat, isn't it?

This is where the whole duped thing comes into play. Caitlynn wants me to make smoothies with spinach. She had a smoothie like this at school and was open to it. Usually when adults add spinach to smoothies, it's to mask it so that kids get the vitamins but don't know they are eating spinach. Popeye ate his spinach straight from a can and we have to resort to serving it in smoothies.

But Caitlynn wants to be duped. She wants the spinach masked in the smoothie. Since she knows how the smoothie is made, maybe this is a good thing. I'll probably oblige, even though spinach is a no-no for me (I'm on blood thinning medication). I cannot guarantee that Miles will drink the smoothie. But at least Caitlynn will.

It's a start.

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Everybody be cool. This is a robbery.

2010-11-06T06:09:00.000-06:00

I need ADT security system for my wallet. That way, every time Caitlynn and Miles decide to go fishing for money, I will be alerted by a phone call and the police coming to the door.

Joe's convinced the kids are stealing money from us. No, no... that is what the bank is doing. Not the kids. They just want us to buy things for them. Lots of things. Every day. Little stuff, mostly. As if having a room full of toys is not enough. They want more.

Both kids are at the right age to start having the "money" talk with them. Well, at least Caitlynn is old enough. Miles can just pretend he understands. Over the course of a child's life, there are a few notable talks kids have with mom and dad -- the money talk, the sex talk, the driving talk, etc. For us, the money talk is a simple discussion to have with Caitlynn.

Sample conversation:

Me: "Um. I don't have the money for that. I'm a full-time student who works part-time."

Caitlynn: "But what about your debit card?"

Me: "That's not the same as a credit card. The debit card is from the checking account."

Caitlynn: "Oh. So, when can we go to the store?"

Me: "In 3 years. I'll be done with school by then."

Caitlynn: "But I can't wait that long."

Me: "Well, you can get a job or sell lots and lots of lemonade. Your choice."

And then Caitlynn grumbles and walks away. Sorry, kid. We're not millionaires. Far from it.

But kids do need to learn the value of money. I'm to the point now where I say to Caitlynn, whenever she asks for something from the American Girl catalog, "Look, I have to work X amount of hours in order to pay for that one item, which costs $X." If you put it into a multiplication story problem, perhaps she'll understand. I think this what teacher like to see -- parents using real world examples to drive home multiplication facts.

However, no matter how many "money talks" you have with the kids, they keep asking us to buy them things and we keep saying "no." How much crap do they really need? Is that Iron Man action figure really going to end the war in Afghanistan? Does it promise that Robert Downey Jr is coming over for dinner? It would be a way cooler toy if it did. I'd probably buy it then.

Most of the time we are fighting a losing battle. Kids are bombarded with TV commercials and online advertising telling them that this toy is the best and that they must have it because everyone else has it. Even stores are in on the trick to get you to spend money on your kids. Target does that clever thing where they put small toys by the checkout. These are the "shut up" toys. You know, these are the toys that are purchased by desperate parents to shut up the crying kid. Unless I'm having an "off" day, I just let the kids cry and scream over the toy I won't buy them. I can tune them out. What kids? Those are not mine. I don't know who Mama is.

Better yet, 99% of the time, I leave the kids at home while I shop at Target. So then it's me crying, screaming, and falling to the floor in a fit of rage about a toy I really want. Then I have drag myself out of the store. Get ahold of yourself, Marcy!

No wonder people look at me funny.

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A boy's future

2010-11-03T07:38:00.000-06:00

It's never too early to project the future path of my little boy. It's time he learns (at age 5) what his options are:

Future #1: Work in a burger joint.
"We're liked closed or something."

Future 2: Be a superhero.
"Not in my face!"

Future 3: Join the Army.
"Oh, Ren..."

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American Girl is scary

2010-10-30T11:30:00.000-06:00

Want to go to a real haunted house? Go to your nearest American Girl store.

Last year, Caitlynn begged and pleaded for us to visit the American Girl store in Chicago. We begrudgingly obliged. After spending a couple hours trapped in the store with Caitlynn being stared by various sets of doll eyes and being surrounded by pink and girlie things, I felt the need to visit a Bass Pro Shop just to even things out. Miles and Joe were lucky. They were able to escape the American Girl store without getting too much pink on them.

Caitlynn has an American Girl doll. Just one doll -- one of those historical dolls that they sell. I actually don't mind the books about the historical dolls. However, I thought that her fascination had waned over the past year when I found the doll just sitting in Caitlynn's room not being played with. It seemed Caitlynn had forgotten about the doll and the numerous sets of clothes until recently.

In the past few months Caitlynn has been playing with her doll and is now circling items in the American Girl catalog as part of her Christmas wish list. She even wants a new doll. This time, however, she wants one that looks like her. Is it me or is that just creepy?

So, that isn't the part that scares me. I can see getting her another doll (only one more) and maybe a doll outfit, but that's about it. I'm not going to spend all of my discretionary income on American Girl toys. I especially won't do it after seeing some websites devoted to American Girl designed and written by teenage girls with serious obsessions over these dolls. Caitlynn already has some obsessive tendencies and I'm not going to feed into it by buying her everything she wants out of the catalog.

I looked at one of these sites devoted to American Girl. It's scary. Just plain frightening. I'd rather watch Chucky movies than subject myself to some of the home movies these girls have made. Mind you, these are teenage girls playing with American Girl dolls. And not just one or two dolls -- one girl has about 20 dolls plus accessories. What!? That's a whole lotta money spent on little clothes for a doll that doesn't do anything but sit there.

Probably the scariest part has to do with the parents allowing this to happen. Sure, you may think it's harmless for a young girl to being playing with dolls. But at age 17 or 18? Um. Shouldn't she be out having a grand old time with friends and boyfriends? Maybe even sip a beer or two (but don't drive!)? (Ok, so I'm not really advocating underage drinking but I am being realistic here. I was 18 once and I had my fair share of cheap beer back then.) I think I would rather have Caitlynn hanging out with friends as opposed to dolls when she's 18.

I have to walk out of the office when Caitlynn starts watching videos about American Girl dolls. Chucky is much a much better doll. At least he's entertaining even if he does want to kill you. He's not scary at all.

I cannot embed the videos. If you want to take a look, click the links below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgIIMuKKyQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1UXKD31WPs&feature=related

Or, better yet... just go to You Tube and do a search for American Girl.

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Happenings about the town

2010-10-27T21:42:00.000-06:00

Things have been happening around here. I just haven't been writing about them. Sorry. With school, work, and everything else, I lose track of time (and my keys).

Here's a quick run-down of Kid-isms of late:

Recently, Miles asked "When do I get paid?" And then he added, "You should pay me for loving you." Oh yeah? Yeah, well, I can find another kid to love me without paying him. So, there turd-munch.

Then Miles and I have been going back and forth about his Halloween costume. At first he wanted to be an elf. Fine. However, there is a slight problem in finding an elf costume in October. So, now he wants to be Frankenstein. I think we can handle that.

Caitlynn decided to be a vampire for Halloween. She's afraid of vampires, so perhaps this is her way of getting over Sanguivoriphobia. Yeah, I looked that up. It's "fear of blood suckers." Close enough.

Caitlynn was greatly disappointed to find out that my boss is going to Disney World and not us. She saw my bosses' email inbox and got really excited thinking it was my email inbox when she saw an email regarding Disney reservations. Sorry, kiddo. (In case you are wondering, it is normal for me to check my bosses' email. It's part of my job.)

Caitlynn then wanted us to take a weekend trip to Chicago to visit the American Girl store. Only problem... we live in Montana, about a 2 1/2 day drive to Chi-town. I don't think so. Even a 4 day weekend wouldn't cut it. Again... sorry, kid.

I have more things to say about American Girl that I'm saving for another post. American Girl is scary - that's the gist of my upcoming post.

And one more thing:
You will be happy to hear that Harry the pumpkin is still in tact. In fact, Joe carved him. He's only slightly ugly now. The pumpkin, not Joe.

Cheers!

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Sorry, little pumpkin.

2010-10-18T09:16:00.004-06:00

I cannot have pretty things. Well, I try to have pretty things but then kids come around ruin everything.

I'd like to decorate for Halloween, but I'm afraid of what would happen to my decorations. Based on how the kids just treated a cute little pumpkin, I fear they would have a hey-day with other decorations. They have this way with making something nice turn into something ugly or maimed or ruined in a matter of minutes.

I think they learned this behavior from the squirrels in Chicago. I don't think Joe and I act this way.

This pumpkin got "squirreled."

A couple years ago, we lived in Chicago where 2 squirrels terrorized our back porch. These bold little buggers ate all the bird seed in our bird feeder, ate all the strawberries on my little strawberry plant, and destroyed a pumpkin. They didn't touch the tomatoes, thankfully. We would find them sitting on our porch every day (waiting for a cup of coffee, perhaps). From what I could tell, they didn't bother other people. Just us. I guess our porch had the most to munch on. They even tried eating my jade plant but those don't taste good, so the squirrels left it alone.

Yeah, I think I became known as the "broom lady" because every time I saw the squirrels on our porch, I would run out there with the broom hoping to knock one off the porch. We lived on the 2nd floor. I don't think a squirrel could survive that kind of fall. At least I hoped it wouldn't survive (Ok, say it, "Squirrel Killer!"). But the squirrels were too fast for me. Our neighbors probably told stories about this crazy woman hunting squirrels with her broom. I know I would if I was in their shoes. If I wore curlers in my hair and pink robe, then I would have been on the news for sure.

My cute little ruined pumpkin.

The kids still talk about the squirrels and our pumpkin (and me with the broom). Last year, we were here in Montana. All seemed to go well with the pumpkin. Miles let me carve it and we put it outside. We don't have squirrels here to contend with (just nasty magpie birds that sit on our porch) so the pumpkin stayed in tact for the length of the Halloween holiday.

But this year, I picked a small pumpkin. It was a cute little pumpkin to keep in the house. You know, for decoration. It sat so nicely on a hutch... for all of 2 seconds. Miles decided he wanted to play with it and broke the stem off. Then the kids found a black sharpie marker and decided to "decorate" the pumpkin. I was sad for the little pumpkin. It was so cute until it got all marked up and named "Harry." I don't think it looked like a Harry. Maybe a Marlene, but definitely not a Harry.

Um. Yeah.

I chased then kids around the house with a broom. They ruined my pumpkin, what else was I supposed to do?

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Happy Anniversary!

2010-10-14T06:28:00.003-06:00

This post is for Joe.

Happy 10th Anniversary, babe!

Here are a few inside jokes between Joe and I. Sorry I'm not explaining these. You had to be there. From the beginning. Every single day.

"So... how are things?" or "So... how'd it go?"
"When I grow up, I want to be Joe or a butterfly."
"That's it. I'm going out for cigarettes."
"Heh, heh, your mom's in jail!"

Oh and the kids don't really care about our anniversary. They are wondering if they will be receiving gifts today.

Um... Yeah... Have you completed the TPS reports, Caitlynn?

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Head, shoulders, knees, and toes...

2010-10-06T15:16:00.017-06:00

One my favorite shows to watch is Dexter on Showtime (vigilante serial killer...love it). So, perhaps, this conversation with Miles while watching Dexter is appropriate. Maybe...

Miles came up to me and decided to count my fingers and toes.

"Mama, you have 10 fingers and 10 toes!"

"Uh-huh. Most people do, Miles."

"But, I want more toes. What if I had lots of toes?"

"Then Dexter would have to chop one off." (kidding... I didn't say this, but I wanted to.)

Instead, I said to Miles, "Well, your shoes wouldn't fit and you would look really weird with 100 toes."

"Yeah, that would be so funny."

Since Miles is in kindergarten now, his counting skills have improved greatly and he seems hell-bent on counting everything, not just fingers and toes. I've written in the past how much I learn from listening to the kids ramble on and on. This time was no exception.

I learned:
Not only do I have 10 fingers and 10 toes, but apparently I have 2 eyes, 2 arms, and 2 feet. I have Miles to thank for letting me know. I've gone 30+ years not knowing vital info about my body. I'm so glad to hear that I don't have 3 eyes.

But I wonder (I know... you wonder, too)...

What would Miles say if I didn't have 10 toes? The whole little piggie song would be off. One piggie wouldn't go wee-wee-wee all the way home. Poor piggie.

And... it also makes me wonder... Why do we have 5 fingers on each hand? Ok, I understand the importance of the thumb. Yeah, yeah... And the index finger. Sometimes the middle finger is useful, especially in heavy traffic in Chicago. Oh and the ring finger symbolizes marriage, I guess. Although, I don't wear a wedding ring. But the pinkie finger -- does it have a purpose besides doing impersonations of Dr. Evil?

I'll let you ponder that as well. Let me know if you find a purpose for the pinkie.

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Parenting by the Numbers

2010-10-04T07:19:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago, Caitlynn brought home math homework instructing her to look around the house for various numbers. Just by sitting in the kitchen, we collected several numbers -- number of calories per serving of pretzels, number of ounces the pretzel bag weighed, the number of her favorite TV channel, etc.

Since then, I've been thinking of numbers in a parents' life. If numbers are everywhere, then they are certainly in my life as a mom. I have compiled a list of numbers for parents. Yeah, most of the numbers are made up, but they help put this whole world of parenting into perspective.

# of times per day you have to separate the kids when they start fighting: 2x/day

# of kisses it takes to make a boo-boo go away: 3

Hours of sleep mom and dads get at various stages of child development:
Baby -- maybe 4 hours
Toddler -- 6 hours
Young child (5-11) -- 7 hours
Tween years -- 8 hours
Teen years (especially when the are driving and out on weekend nights) -- 4 hours
College years -- 9 hours

How many times you'll have to tell your child, "It's just a movie. Vampires are not real." -- 3x

# of times each morning you have to call out "Wake up! Time to get ready for school!" before they actually get up and get ready for school: at least 3x

# of minutes it takes before they bother you while you are studying or watching a movie: about 2 minutes

# of times you've seen:
The Goonies -- 500x (this movie does not grow old...)
Wizard of Oz -- 300x
Every single Scooby Doo episode -- 5x each
Every Spongebob episode -- 10x each
Any other kids show or movie -- at least 5x each

# of times you will step on a lego in the middle of the night and say a silent "F---!" on your way to the bathroom: 12x

Age at which they know Santa is not real:
Oldest child: 8 years
Youngest child: 4 years

# of times you have threatened to cancel Christmas if they don't stop being turds (yeah, kids can be turds): 5x

# of times you've been peed on, puked on, shit on, coughed on, had snot rubbed on you: so many times that I lost count

# of blog posts I've written on the subject of my kids, parenting, and other stuff: 381 including today's post

# of hours you'll spend over the course of your life worrying about your kids: 1,592,678,001 hours

There are more numbers related to parenting, but I simply do not have time to count everything. I have about 2 minutes before Caitlynn comes in here to ask me for a glass of water.

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It can be done

2010-09-30T09:11:00.000-06:00

I saw an amazing sight yesterday.

My 2 kids were sitting quietly at the table. No arguing. No picking on each other. Caitlynn was reading and Miles was coloring.

They were even ignoring the TV that was on in the background.

I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone when I walked into the room to witness such an extraordinary event. It lasted about 20 minutes before one of them got up to do something else.

What is wrong with my kids? Reading instead of watching iCarly? Coloring instead of watching Spongebob? Wow. I'm speechless.

It didn't last, however. They ended up bickering about something and watching cartoons before heading off to bed. Another strange thing -- they went to bed without any argument.

Something is up...

I didn't have to threaten to cancel Christmas.

Could it be... the kids are actually good?

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What? My kids are not special?

2010-09-28T08:51:00.000-06:00

I've come to a realization. This is so hard for me say. I'm figuratively choking back tears.

My kids are not geniuses.

It's a sad day for any parent when reality strikes and they realize they are not raising the next Einstein or Mozart. I had a sneaking suspicion when Caitlynn was having difficulty learning her multiplication tables last year. I just chose not to believe it. Einstein could probably multiply circles around the kids in his class.

I also realized that Miles is not a music genius simply because he's past the starting age for writing symphonies. Mozart started at age 3. Miles is now 5 and has yet to produce any sort of melody. There's still hope, however, that he's a genius like Einstein or Will Hunting. We'll see how his first year of kindergarten pans out.

I know, I know... I think y'all are surprised too (that my kids are not geniuses). Don't get me wrong, here. They are smart. Caitlynn has a strange affinity for spelling. She's quite good at it. And she seems to remember minute details of events, but I don't expect her to be in the Math Club in high school. And that's OK.

But it's hard to come to terms with this. We, as parents, are told that our kids can have IQs of 150 and above if they don't watch TV, read all the time, and learn how to add/subtract before kindergarten (and don't go to public school). Yeah. That's a bunch of hogwash. Let the kids watch Spongebob and put the Leap Frog thing down. Maybe kids just need to be kids with out the pressure of performing at the top of their class.

The vast majority of children, including yours, are not geniuses. Here's a glass of water to help you swallow that piece of reality down. My advice (because it counts): Find out what they are good at and let them steer their own way.

Side Note: I entered into a cooking blog contest and I need votes. Go to Cooking Rut and follow the links to vote. Thanks!!

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Memo

2010-09-23T07:44:00.000-06:00

To: Miles

CC: Mama

From: The Tooth Fairy

RE: Your most recent lost tooth

First, let me start by congratulating you on another lost tooth. I know these things are not easy. There's a little blood and then time to adjust to living with a gaping hole in your mouth. I commend you on your efforts as you get used to losing more teeth over the next few years.

I would like to address the lack of compensation of your most recent tooth loss. You are under the impression that you will receive compensation for the tooth. In most cases, this is true. If you put the tooth under your pillow at night, then the next morning you will find money in its place. This is the way it has been done for centuries.

However, things get sticky (valid legal term) when you lose your tooth on the playground at school and you drop in on the ground, losing it forever. As it was stated in the contract you signed when you were born, in order to receive the compensation as set by your mom and dad, you must provide the tooth as collateral. Without the tooth present under your pillow, you cannot receive your quarter (or whatever amount specified by your parents).

I hope you understand my position as The Tooth Fairy. I cannot provide a service unless I am to receive something in return, i.e., your tooth. It is the way I am summoned by your mom. She lets me know there is a tooth under the pillow and I show up in the middle of the night to pick it up. In fact, she called me up yesterday to let me know about your situation and I explained to her the details of the contract. From what I hear (your sister can't keep her mouth shut), you are upset by the fact that you won't be receiving your money for the lost tooth.

I understand your grievance and I'm here to make amends. It appears as though you have another lost tooth. After this tooth falls out, make sure you keep it and put it under your pillow. I will be sure to give you a little something extra for the inconvenience you've incurred during this situation.

My hope is that this restores our business relationship. I look forward to working with you again in the near future.

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Geez Louise

2010-09-18T23:13:00.000-06:00

Right now I'm being held hostage by a 9 year old little girl. She wants people to read her blog and comment on the posts. She won't let me go until I post this message on my blog.

If y'all want to read her little musings about her brother visit Caitlynn's Fun House.

She's posted quite a bit this evening (something about Bigfoot. I don't know...). This is what happens when she gets into my blogger account while I'm watching "The Rock" on Starz. I love the movie for its one-liners: "I'll take pleasure in guttin you, boy." Love it!

Anyhoo... I'm free to go now.

Have a good weekend.

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My brain hurts

2010-09-14T09:37:00.000-06:00

I'm studying for the GRE, so I can get into graduate school. I take the test on Thursday and my brain has officially reached capacity. You know how you feel when you eat too much at Thanksgiving? That's how my brain feels. It needs a nap in the recliner.

Part of the test involves knowing big vocabulary words. As I study these words, I realize there are quite a few I already know and have used at one time or another. Yay for me! But then I come across words like "truculent" or "somnambulist" and I begin to wonder, "People actually use these words? Really? Maybe the British use them. Americans wouldn't be caught dead using big words."

In effort to learn some of the lesser known vocabulary of the English language, I have decided to start using them during my normal conversations with the kids. I figure it's never too early for them to brush up on their vocab for the SAT.

Here's a sampling of sentences I plan on implementing for the next couple of days (until after Thursday when I don't have know these words again):

Miles, don't be so abstruse.

Caitlynn often uses grandiloquence language when trying to impress her friends. (Or maybe that's me that does it?)

Dexter the cat is quite indolent lately.

Other words I may drop into conversation:
pusillanimous, salubrious, sepulchral, solecism, trammel, voluble, fetid, gambol, dolor

I wonder if the kids will notice the change in my language or if they'll do what they normally do -- tune me out.

Churlish kids!

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I'm sorry. So very sorry.

2010-09-10T07:24:00.000-06:00

Dear Miles,
I would like to take a moment and publicly apologize (unreservedly, of course) for putting carrots in the chili.

I realize now, 10 months after the incident where I put carrots in a big pot of chili, that you are still holding me responsible for the distraught you incurred while eating this chili. Each time thereafter (including last evening) you ask me while I'm serving you a bowl of chili, "Are there carrots in it?"

I learned my lesson the first time and have not repeated my egregious error since. Much to my surprise, Daddy actually sides with you on this issue. He feels carrots do not belong in chili. Vegetarian chili, ok. Carrots are permitted. Standard beef chili... no carrots. Ok. I got it now. Thanks for clarifying, Joe.

But I would like to explain my reasoning for adding carrots to the chili in the first place. I was trying to do that thing where moms hide or mask vegetables in their kids' food. You and your sister are too smart for this trick and it rarely works. However, I do get Caitlynn to eat leek and potato soup. As long as the vegetables are pureed, she doesn't care (same with fruit). Fine. But you like chunky chili. It's one of your favorite meals. You don't mind if I put onions, garlic, and green peppers in it, so I thought you wouldn't care if I added carrots. Boy was I wrong.

So, I learned a couple things here:

First, you hate carrots. Especially in chili.
Second, I need prior approval from you before adding any vegetable to your food or else we'll be repeating the carrot incident. I can pretty much guess that broccoli in mac and cheese is out of the question, too.

Now I will pay my penance and repeat a 100 times (if we had a chalkboard, I'd write it on the board for the family to see):

I, Mama, will not add carrots to the chili ever again.

Are you satisfied now? Can we put this incident behind us and move on? Good.

Yours truly,
Mama

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And school begins again

2010-08-31T10:02:00.000-06:00

I don't know about you but I love when school starts. It's like free babysitting for about 6 or 7 hours. Nice! Oh and the kids learn a thing or two. That's important, I guess.

What I don't like is all the paperwork you have to fill out. Geez. Must the school know everything? Now they know how to get ahold of me when my kids act up at school. Not that it has ever happened but you never know.

But when school starts, I find it funny to see how Joe and I differ in parenting methods. He and I are similar in that we are hands off when it comes to educating the kids. We don't like to meddle in the classroom. Don't get me wrong, we pay attention to homework and grades but you won't find me hanging around the class waiting to talk to the teacher. We only do that when something major is going wrong (like last spring with Caitlynn). Actually I hate going to the parent-teacher conferences. Seriously. I think I get that from my mom. She never met with my teachers and found it a waste of time. Like mother like daughter, I guess. Then again, I was the model student. Perfect in every way. No need for my mom to worry. (Do I hear snickering in the background?)

However, where Joe and I differ is how we drop the kids off at school. I barely stop to let them get out of the car before I'm driving off like a maniac. Joe actually stops, turns off the car, and will wait a few minutes until they are settled on the playground. Maybe he's a worry wart about their safety. Me? Yeah, they'll be fine.

Here's to a good, productive year.

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Parenting way back when...

2010-08-23T11:17:00.012-06:00

Do you ever wonder what it was like to parent back, in say, year 10,000 AD or even 2000 AD? No? Really? I'm the only nerd in the group that wonders about things like this?

Sometimes when I'm watching nerd TV like the History Channel or National Geographic, I find myself wondering odd things. Take for instance the first humans... they hadn't developed language yet, right? So, how did they yell at their children? Perhaps that's when "no" was invented. Think about it... the little baby cave boy is about to climb onto a big boulder that is sitting next to a cliff. The mom has to say something to stop the baby cave boy from falling off he cliff. What does she say? Ga? Gor? Oooo? I'm thinking she does one of those long, drawn out "Nooooooooooo's."

But as I was thinking about baby Neanderthals, I began to think about living back in the Dark Ages or the Middle Ages or the Bronze Age. It doesn't matter. All the important "ages" were long ago and I'm pretty sure they all pretty much sucked. Did parents (especially moms) nag their children like we do today? What was it like being a mom back then? Did she analyze her every parenting move? If I say it this way, then he might actually listen to me. I think we need a chore chart.

I wonder what mom's sounded like back then...

Timothy, I'm telling you for the last time. PUT YOUR BOW AND ARROW AWAY. NOW.
Elizabeth, I don't care if your friends are playing sticks and stones by the river, the laundry has be done. Today. We only have 2 pairs of clothes for each person.
Time to wake up, kids! The bright, shiny thing in the sky is on.
You don't like my cooking? Well, you try making sheep stomach and oats taste good.
No, you may not hang around with the boy from the family living next to the creek. They're barbarians.

Now that you are imagining a family living back in 500 BC (or 1300 BC), think about this...

Has parenting gotten more complicated or have we made it so by over-analyzing every single thing we do and say to our kids?

Yeah, I think about this stuff too much. I gotta get out more.

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Greatest Mom in the World

2010-08-18T12:03:00.000-06:00

I’m the greatest mom in the world.

My kids didn’t say it. I said it. I’m the greatest. You heard it here first.

What makes me so great (as a mom, that is)?

I’m baking the kids their favorite cookies today. Snickerdoodles. Mmmmm….
I let them go to bed at 10:00 or even 10:30 in the summer. That luxury is ending soon in order to get ready for school.
I let them sleep until 9 or 10 every day. Again, this little luxury is also ending. They need to get used to waking up by 7:30. This might put me in the running for “Worst Mom in the world.”
I let them have ice cream for breakfast. Not everyday. It’s only when we have ice cream in the house (not too often).
The kids taught themselves how to ride their bikes. How does this make me great? Well, I told them the basics of bike riding and that they needed to learn balance. They finally got it.
With a little guidance from me, Caitlynn is now able to cook her own eggs in the morning. That way, I can sleep in until the smoke detector goes off. Good alarm clock, by the way.
I don’t care if Miles eats a cookie off the floor. I think of it as an immune system building exercise.
I don’t schedule play dates. In fact, I didn’t know what a “play date” was until I picked up an issue of Parenting Magazine when I took Caitlynn to the doctor when she was in Kindergarten (5 years ago). No, the kids go outside and just play with their friends. No parental interaction. Kind of nice if you ask me.
I have never used a time-out as a punishment tool. It never worked on Caitlynn and just didn’t feel like using it with Miles. Again, didn’t know what time-outs were until I read Parenting Mag. (Maybe I need a subscription… but then again, I probably won’t read it. Better yet, I should just go to the pediatrician’s office and read her copy.) We have other systems in place for punishment that seem more effective anyway, but I won’t go into details other than we use a check-mark system for good behavior.
I laugh at their jokes even when they aren't funny or if I just don't understand "kid humor."
I sometimes watch iCarly with Caitlynn. The show can be funny. Sometimes. But it makes me miss family sitcoms of the 80s like Family Ties and the Cosby Show.

So, yeah, I’m awesome. I have made quite a few mistakes along the way and I am not afraid to admit it. It’s called a learning curve and the kids either don’t notice the mistakes I made or they just went ahead and forgave me.

In fact, I bet everyone reading this is in the running for World’s Greatest Dad or Mom. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a round of applause. You've earned it.

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What did you get for me?

2010-08-15T07:04:00.001-06:00

I go to the store. Alone. No kids. (freakin' awesome)

I come home from the store, bags in tow.

I walk through the door and the first thing I'm asked by Miles is, "What did you get for me?"

Every. Single. Time.

What did you get for me?

I'm a little tired of being asked this. Caitlynn just goes through the bags silently, hoping that I bought some good junk food. Sorry, kid, the store was clear out of gummy bears and Goldfish. Some freak occurrence. The crappy food truck didn't show up. It was help up on I-90 by a group of terrorists. Who knew they liked Goldfish, Yoo-hoo, and Ruffles potato chips? Weird, huh?

While Caitlynn is looking for her daily helping of high fructose corn syrup laden snacks, Miles wants more toys. He thinks I will buy him toys every time I visit the grocery store. Yeah right, kid.

As a parent, I feel it is necessary to lie to your children. No, no, not all the time. Just part of the time. On Tuesdays. Maybe on Saturdays. Definitely on Fridays. Lying is good. Sometimes. Like when I want to get Miles to stop bombarding me with questions when I walk in the door.

Here are some the answers (lies) I'm telling Miles when I get home from the store with nothing but boring food in my bags. Food is so boring. So 1990s.

Yes, Miles, I got you a big boat. It's outside. Pray for rain. We don't live near a lake or ocean.
Look what I got you, buddy -- a box of crickets! They were having a huge sale at Petco.
Miles, it must be your lucky day, because I came home with your very own -- wait for it -- Chia Pet! Watch it grow! Amazing, really.
I got you a can of pepper spray. We live around bears, not to scare you or anything. I just want you to be prepared when you go off by yourself without telling Daddy and I. Bears live here. In Montana. By the playground.

I could go on... I have plenty of more lies (half truths). I'll save them for later.

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True calling

2010-08-08T04:11:00.000-06:00

I think Caitlynn finally found her true calling. She wants to be a spy. Now, if she can only keep a secret.

The other day, Miss Caty and I were discussing possible career paths for her. She's 9 and I think she's ready to take on the world. We were spitballing ideas around about her future plans. Much to my surprise, her future plan is not to live with Joe and I after college and play computer games all day long. That's pretty much what she does now, so I was certain this would carry on into adulthood.

She's been playing Nancy Drew games quite a bit lately and the idea of becoming a detective intrigued her. Then we started talking about the CIA and being a spy. She wants to learn Russian. And possibly Arabic. Maybe Chinese, too. But Russian for sure. She's excited that she can learn juicy details about other people (and countries). That's exciting even if you aren't a spy. Gossip is fun!

But I worry about her spy skills. She's not the most graceful on her feet, so slinking around and hiding quietly in a dark corner somewhere (in Russia?), will take some major training. She has tried sneaking up on me, but I know she's there. She's not so quiet and tends to run into something, alerting me that my daughter is trying to play a trick on me. Sometimes she gets Miles in on the act, but he's a giggler. I can hear him coming from a mile away. Ha! Caught you! Now it's time to learn what you know! Who do you work for?

Then there's the ability to keep secrets. Kids, in general, are terrible at keeping secrets. I think that's a skill learned later in life, like when you become a teenager and you have way more to hide from your parents than you do at age 9. I know at age 16, I was quite good at keeping secrets, especially ones that implicated me.

I wanted to be a spy, too. Still do. I don't want to learn Russian, though. I'll stick with English and I'll just spy on my kids when they aren't looking.

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Artificial selection

2010-08-04T07:52:00.000-06:00

Wouldn't it be great if we were able to pick and choose the genes we passed on to our children? The way it works now, it's like a lottery. Half the genes come from you and the other half come from your egg or sperm donor. You have no say as to which genes get passed on. It just isn't fair.

As I look at my kids, I kind of wish I had more of a say in all this. There are some traits in Caitlynn and Miles I'd like switched out. I won't go into details, though. Caitlynn reads the blog.

I would have sat down with Joe and made a list of our "good genes" and our "bad genes." Then we would have spent the afternoon arguing over who's genes are better (mine are, btw). But for us, we weren't even trying to get pregnant. It just happened. The stork knocked on our door and there was Caitlynn. Crazy how it happens that way...

But if I had the chance to negotiate with Joe over our genes, I wonder what the negotiations would have sounded like:

Me: The baby has to be good looking. My family is better looking than yours.

Joe: Really? I don't see it that way, but ok. My family is smarter, so the baby gets my intelligence.

Me: My common sense and your book-smarts.

Joe: What about my common sense?

Me: You have common sense?

Joe: I thought I did.

Me: Um... let's just stick with the plan -- my common sense and your intelligence. Fair?

Joe: Ok.

Me: Creativity. The child has to have some creative genes. Yours or mine? I think mine. My creativity is more tame than yours.

Joe: How so? I'm normal.

Me: Whatever. I didn't spend an afternoon freaking people out on the northside of Chicago -- intentionally while your older brother laughed his ass off.

Joe: Yeah. That was funny.

Me: Now, let's talk about diseases.

Joe: Ah come on... do we have to? An old Steve McQueen movie is on...

Just think of the whole process as artificial selection. We did this with plants and animals over the years. Way back when, Dexter the cat's ancestors were busy hunting for prey and you couldn't cuddle with them. Now Dexter just attacks my feet and the occasional mouse. Over the years, we've tamed cats and dogs to be our pets. I could go on, but I won't (too science-y). Suffice it to say, we've changed most of the vegetables that we eat today -- corn, wheat, beans -- all to our liking.

I get the feeling you would rather it be a lottery when it comes to making babies. Fine. Let nature take its course. But beware, your offspring may end up with your chronically smelly feet or your sperm/egg donor's big ears.

Just sayin...

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It's confirmed, we're all nuts.

2010-07-24T23:27:00.000-06:00

I'm baaack.

Whew. That was some vacation. We drove a lot of miles and ate too much fast food. Who knew the US was so freaking big. Geez. I'm glad we were not traveling via horse and buggy or in a wagon train. Instead, we were driving a stuffed-to-the-gills SUV. We had things crammed into every space our vehicle. Things were even stored under the seats.

Traveling that far in a car gives you time to get to know you kids a little better. Since this wasn't the first time we've traveled long distance with the kids, I decided to pay better attention to the odd things they said during the trip. I compiled a list of ramblings. It should be noted that Miles is quite a rambler, more so than Caitlynn. He talks to his toys, to himself, and to anyone that will listen. We know he's asleep in the back when it suddenly gets quiet. That didn't happen too often.

Random ramblings by Caitlynn and Miles as overheard by me.

"This isn't a vacation. Vacations are on boats." -- Miles. He thought we should be on a cruise. It's hard to take a cruise to Ohio from Montana.

"Can we do a DNA test? I need some of your hair." -- Caitlynn, directed at Joe and I

"How fast are you going?" -- Miles, our very own traffic cop sitting in the back seat.

"Are there bears in Uncle Tom's woods?" -- Miles. Uncle Tom's house sits back off the road in the middle of a large wooded parcel of land.

"Yes! In your face!" -- Caitlynn, while swimming at Uncle Tom's house (well, near his house)

"I didn't sign up for raccoons." -- Miles, the first morning after camping at Letchworth State Park in New York. We had a bunch of raccoons hanging around our tent each night we camped.

"Can you turn the fire on?" -- Miles, asking Joe to get the campfire started

"Can you turn the fire off?" -- Miles... again.

"I don't like Caitlynn's jokes." -- Miles, after listening to Caitlynn tell some really bad knock-knock jokes. His weren't any good either. I laughed at their jokes out of pity.

I'm sure they said other noteworthy things on the trip, but I was too busy tuning them out. I had to concentrate on listening to Car Talk.

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Vacation time!

2010-07-08T08:08:00.001-06:00

We're headed east to see family this summer.

Here's a clip from National Lampoons Vacation. This is what it's like to stay at my brother's house.

Tee-hee...just kidding, Tom. You're the best brother in the whole world. Oh wait, I have 2 brothers. Mike, you're the 2nd best brother in the whole world.

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Funneeee

2010-07-06T07:51:00.004-06:00

I needed a good laugh after I realized Miles had stolen my iPod. I had been looking for it for days (ok, hours -- but it felt like days).

Here's a little Louis CK humor for ya. Funneeee...

Warning: bad language in the clips.

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Summer boredom

2010-06-28T23:15:00.000-06:00

What the heck do you do with kids during the summer?

What do your kids do during the summer? Probably not what mine are doing. It'd be easy if the kids wanted to go to summer camps but no, my kids are weird. They want to stay home and terrorize the household.

One day, I found Caitlynn sitting on my bed with Dexter the Cat. She was waving a dollar bill in his face. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me, "I'm hypnotizing the cat." At that point, Dexter looked up at me with big eyes. I could read his mind... She's crazy if she thinks this will work. I already lick my own ass. She doesn't need to hypnotize me to do it.

But Dexter sat there patiently watching the dollar bill move back and forth in front of him while Caitlynn kept saying, "You are getting sleepy." Geez, now I'm getting sleepy. Am I being hypnotized by Blogger?

Ding! Ok, I'm back...

A few posts ago, I mentioned that Miles likes to collect junk. His collection has increased in size and volume. He and his good buddy, Lucas, have been going door to door in our apartment complex asking people for their junk. And of course, our friendly neighbors are happy (really happy) to oblige. So, now my porch looks like it belongs in the back-woods of Kentucky. All I need now is a 1960s pickup truck rusting in the front yard with an old claw foot bathtub sitting next to it.

If he starts wearing overalls without a shirt underneath, I'm sending him back to Sears for a new model. Preferably one that can wipe his own butt.

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Tips, please

2010-06-27T09:03:00.000-06:00

I'm going to institute a new policy here in the household. If the kids want me to do something for them, like feed them, then they have to start paying me to do so.

What do you want, Caitlynn? You want me to make you a quesadilla? Well, that'll be $5. Pony up.

It sounds harsh, I know, but I'm a little tired of two kids demanding everything. Sure, we enforce the "please" and "thank you" manners but they are still quite demanding. Maybe if they started paying me to do things for them, then they might appreciate the things I do for them just a little bit more. You know, add incentive. If they want money to buy things, then I want money to wipe their butts.

I know, I know, this is what I signed up for when I became a parent. Yada yada yada. Whatever. They were accidents anyway...

What's frustrating is that they don't like the majority of my cooking -- I don't know why. We eat rather well for such a tight food budget. Instead, they want crappy processed foods like Kraft Mac/Cheese (which has gotten orangier -- seriously) and chicken nuggets. If I'm going to act like a short order cook, then I expect some tips in return.

What Miles? You don't like cassoulet? Oh come on! Here's your serving of bug guts for today. Bon appetit! Don't forget to tip your server.

Here's the pricing scheme I'm setting up:
Breakfast -- special order: $5
Lunch -- leftovers: $0
Lunch -- special order: $7
Dinner -- special order and refusing to eat what I make: $15

$5 charge for every toy I pick up
$5 charge for complaining that Joe and I want to watch TV or use the computer
$10 charge for wiping Miles' butt

I don't take Monopoly money. American dollars only please. Well, if all you have are Canadian dollars, that's fine. I may even take a Euro or two.

I think this will go over well. I'm gonna be rich! Caitlynn better increase the prices on the cups of lemonade at her lemonade stand.

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Your trash is my kid's treasure

2010-06-23T11:37:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure what this says about my kids. I certainly hope this means they are geniuses.

Every day, Miles (and to some extent Caitlynn) come inside carrying "treasures." Right now, Miles has a rust collection (whatever that means), rock collection, bells (sleigh bells), and a few other odd things he's has picked up while playing outside. Basically, if you drop a button or one pops off your pants (does that still happen?), then my boy will surely find it and bring it home.

It isn't that he just picks things up, he also brings them inside to wash -- make these little items all shiny and new again. I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up mud and dirt in the bathroom sink.

So, I wonder...

Does this mean Miles' future career will be that of a junk dealer? You know, those guys in big cities that go through the dumpsters in alleys searching for sellable items? If so, then we may need to invest in a rickety old truck. We laugh, but Joe talked to some of these guys and they actually make a decent living doing this.

As of right now, this is his career track. Are there degree programs for this sort of thing? Bachelor of Science in Scavenging.

Or maybe he's going to make a big sculpture one day with all of his "treasures." I'm sure it will be a masterpiece worth millions.

A mom can only dream...

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Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T10:28:00.002-06:00

Happy Father's Day to all the dads, pops, papas, daddys, and fathers out there.

Every father passes on wisdom to their children. My dad did the same for me and my brothers.

Here's something he told me when I was learning to drive:

Some of the worst drivers are men wearing hats, not ball caps, but actual hats.

When he told me this, I just nodded and said, "OK, Dad." But you know what? It's freakin' true! Every time I see a man driving who is wearing a hat, he is causing traffic problems by going too slow, not paying attention, or running people over.

So, the next time you are out driving around, look out for men wearing hats (sounds like the name of a punk band) and turn the other way or quickly get past them.

Happy Father's Day.

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All in a day's work

2010-06-16T21:32:00.000-06:00

Dexter the Cat fell asleep on the job today. He was supposed to be helping me work but instead fell asleep on my desk.

Kids must have worn him out.

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Are parents wimps?

2010-06-15T07:58:00.000-06:00

I wonder.

Of course, I wonder about a lot of things. If you see me staring off into space, you can pretty guess that I'm wondering about something... How do they make Triscuits? They're so perfectly woven. Hmmm... I bet there's a little man...

Ok... back to reality. I wonder about parents these days. In fact, I wonder about myself. I'm a parent. I'm lumped into this category.

Are we wimpy? What makes me curious about the modern-day parent is this whole business about a 16 year old girl who tried to sail around the world by herself. Her brother did it at age 17, so why not her? She tried but got caught in a bad storm and was rescued, so unfortunately she didn't make it. Bummer.

But now her parents have to defend their decision to have their daughter sail around the world alone. If she had made it home safely, would we be having this discussion? Probably not.

I realize that most parents haven't raised their kids to be master sailors. Obviously her parents had enough confidence in their daughter (and son) to let this event happen. Shouldn't they have the last say in this situation? It's their daughter and they know her best.

It seems to me that kids 30 years ago had more freedom to explore. While sailing around the world was out of the question for most teenagers, a lot of pre-teens (tweens?) went to the mall sans parents. I remember doing this. Heck, I was even what they used to call a "latch-key kid" at age 7. I came home from school before everyone else, so I was alone for at least an hour before my brothers got there. That wouldn't even enter the minds of parents nowadays. Leave a 7 year old at home? Child endangerment. Call the cops.

If you raise a kid right -- teach them right from wrong and put a good head on their shoulders -- then what do you have to worry about?

As Caitlynn gets older, she's wanting more independence, which is awesome and a wee-bit scary at the same time. If I feel she's ready for some things, then I'm ready to let her off the leash.

Who knows. She may surprise me.

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Cyber Parenting

2010-06-13T13:28:00.000-06:00

So, I was reading an article on the NY Times website about parents who play on their phone (Blackberries, iPhones, etc) or laptop and ignore their kids. I love articles like this. I feel like the objective is to make us feel like schmuck parents.

The article noted an incident where a woman shushed her child while she finished texting or emailing on her Blackberry. The child was pulling at his mom's leg and then tried biting her to get her attention.

Oh no! The kid isn't the center of the mom's universe! Oh the horror!

Yeah. The kid can wait and learn not to bite to get attention. Patience, my dear, boy. Patience.

But this article got me to thinking about my own Blackberry, iPod Touch, and computer use. Yep, I shush my kids when I'm on the computer (and on the phone -- but I usually only talk on the phone for work and I work from home.) I completely ignored the kids when I read the NY Times article about how bad we are as parents when we use technology to ignore our children. I love irony.

What, Miles? Huh? Ok...you can paint the walls green. Now leave me alone. I'm reading NY Times.

I get the bulk of my news online. Of course I'm going to ignore the kids. Have you read the news lately? Geez Louise, there's a lot of shit happening around the world. Crazy stuff -- oil spill, North Korea, Israel. Oy.

I even tune the kids out when I check my email on my Blackberry or iPhone. Although, I do draw the line at texting while driving. Seriously, though... is it that important that you must text while driving? Is it that urgent of a message?

The way I figure it, the kids ignore me on a daily basis. Caitlynn? Clean up your mess. CAITLYNN! CLEAN. UP. YOUR. MESS. HELLO!?? I'M TALKING TO YOU.

So, I view ignoring the kids as fair play. If they want something bad enough (like food), they'll get it themselves and then make a huge mess in the kitchen. At least they are fed and I didn't have to stop playing Sims 3 on my iPod Touch in order to feed them (man alive they eat a lot!). My Sim just got promoted! Yay for me!

Mama! MAMA! MAMAMAMAMAMAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Children?
What children?

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A little Alice Cooper for ya

2010-06-09T08:59:00.001-06:00

This is for Caitlynn. She doesn't know who Alice Cooper is, which is probably a good thing. Don't worry, she'll learn to appreciate the rock greats.

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Competition for resources

2010-06-05T11:36:00.000-06:00

I find myself going to war over the use of my computer.

We are a pretty wired household -- 2 desktop computers and a laptop. Up until now, it was easy to manage computer time. But over the past couple of months, my trusty Apple laptop is on its way out (it's ancient -- 5 years old). I could fix it. I know how and it won't be that difficult but that means I have to reserve an afternoon to fiddle with my dinosaur. So, basically we are down to 2 computers to split among 4 people. Yikes!

I work from home, so every day I have to tell Caitlynn and Miles -- DO NOT GO ON MY COMPUTER. It's more of a warning to them that if they are on my computer during work hours, I will string them up by their thumbs and throw darts at them. Kidding. Like I would ever do that to them.

When it comes to other stuff, like writing blog posts, these things get pushed aside until Caitlynn and Miles step away from the computer in the evening. I don't have the patience to write blog posts on my Blackberry or iPod Touch. I could, but I would rather stab my eyeballs with toothpicks.

However, Caitlynn and Miles are quite demanding when it comes to computer time. Each day after I get done with work, they have an agenda regarding computer games...

Miles: First play Ben Ten games, then con Daddy into playing Pirates online.
Caitlynn: It's all about Nancy Drew games and watching video walk-throughs of the games to give her hints on how to solve the mysteries.

Sure, they play outside and watch some TV, but as I've complained before -- there are 24 hours in day to keep them entertained. They sleep 8-9 hours and that leaves us with 15-16 hours/day trying to figure out what the heck to do with the kids. So, yeah, kids are going to watch TV, play on the computer, and then run around outside until they puke. Rinse and repeat every day of the summer.

Until we can afford to buy a new laptop, it's going to be a long summer.

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I crapped my pants!

2010-06-01T13:06:00.000-06:00

Oh geez.

Of all the phrases Miles has to repeat, he chooses "I crapped my pants!" The other day, he literally pooped in his pants and announced it to Joe and I. I thought he was kidding when he shouted out, "Mama! I crapped in my pants!" Well, we use that phrase as a joke around here, thanks to Saturday Night Live.

We have other joking phrases like "I'm going out for cigarettes." This one is a joke between Joe and I when the kids are acting like crazy lunatics (pretty much every day) and we need a break from them. It should be noted that we don't smoke. I hope Miles doesn't pick up on this one. I'd hate for him to use it on the first day of Kindergarten in the fall -- "Bye! I'm going out for cigarettes!"

So, this clip is for Miles. It's where the "Oops, I crapped my pants" started...

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Kindergarten for Dummies

2010-05-28T06:51:00.001-06:00

Before I get started on a new post... I'll let you know what was true in my last post.

I broke my foot in college. Again, not saying how. And yes, it's still broken. It's one of those tiny fractures that won't ever heal.

Ok, now back to the regularly scheduled programming.

Today's post is about pondering weird ideas/thoughts that creep into my mind. I think my mind is a vast wasteland of useless trivia and random odd thoughts. What would it be like to be a lemur? Would I throw poop, too? No, I'm much to civilized. But maybe that is civilized behavior to monkeys. Hmmm... I wonder...

(ahem)

I was thinking about Kindergarten the other day. Wouldn't it be great to be 5 again? I look at Miles and I want his life. What does he have to worry about? Not peeing the bed. Making sure he bothers his older sister at least once per day. That's an awesome life. Then why the heck does he whine and cry so much? Suck it up kid, it goes downhill from here. Just ask your sister.

Aside from the worry-free life of a 5 year old, Kindergarten is the place where we learn about important things that will take us through life.

Don't hit.
Don't take someone else's crayons or toys.
Listen before speaking.
Raise your hand.
Say "thank you" and "you're welcome."
Don't run with scissors.
Share.
Wait your turn.
Walking in a single file line.
Respect others.
Be polite.

I wonder if some of us adults need to go back to Kindergarten to brush up on these things. It might do us some good.

They have a bunch of "Dummies" books -- Chemistry for Dummies, Biology for Dummies, Accounting for Dummies, Pregnancy for Dummies (I have this one) -- you get the picture. I think it's time someone wrote Kindergarten for Dummies.

I'd buy it. I could brush up on walking single file behind my teacher. Plus, Joe caught me running with scissors the other day. Boy, was I in trouble.

I hate time outs.

Happy Friday.

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White Lies

2010-05-24T10:59:00.000-06:00

I got an award from AV, whom I call the King of Blogger. He has a ton of blogs, so I'll name one...

Life is Just Like That...

Thank the person who gave this to you. (Thanks, AV!!)
Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
Link to the person who nominated you.
Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth – or – switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.
Nominate seven “Creative Writers” who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.
Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

I'm telling 6 lies and 1 truth. Can you figure out the one truth?

I grew up in Canada.
I have 11 toes.
I have a tattoo. Not saying of what.
I broke my foot in college. Not saying how.
I was adopted.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I love oysters.

I'm going out on a limb here and not nominating anyone... If you want to participate, go right ahead.

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It's coming to an end...

2010-05-23T08:48:00.002-06:00

No, not the blog... something else is coming to an end.

I write a lot about my kids' TV habits, the crappy shows they adore. However, I rarely ever write about the shows I'm absolutely obsessed with. Oh, I have shows that I cannot miss because if I do, I am not a happy camper. I don't watch many TV shows religiously but there is one that has taken up my time over the past 6 years and tonight it finally ends. I'm talking about Lost.

I like most of the HBO shows. I like Dexter on Showtime. Glee is pure fun. But Lost is something special. It's one show that Joe loves to watch as much as I do (well, he also likes 30 Rock but I think it's because he has a crush on Tina Fey). Unlike other shows on TV, it has kept you guessing. Whole blogs are devoted to the show's many mysteries. Since the beginning, fans have been theorizing about the island and the castaways. What is the island? Who's Jacob? Why does everyone have a daddy complex?

So, my show comes to an end tonight. It's like a good book that you don't want to put down but you want to know ending nonetheless.

Goodbye, Lost. It's been a great ride. Thanks for giving us quality television.

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Happy Birthday, Miss Caitlynn

2010-05-21T06:34:00.032-06:00

My little girl is celebrating her birthday today! I haven't written too much about Caitlynn lately. Honestly, she hasn't been a source of material in recent months. Well, she has eaten a fair share of dijon mustard sandwiches or Chinese hot sauce sandwiches. I'm not kidding about the sandwiches. She used up a whole bottle of Sirachi hot sauce. She's an odd bird.

But I remember her birth just like it was yesterday. I'll spare you the details except to say that Tom Hanks prevented us from getting to the hospital on time. Because of him, we had to take a detour and it took us an extra 25 minutes to get to the hospital. It was an extra 25 minutes of me sitting in the car yelling at Joe to hurry up and get to the hospital. I'm sure Joe really appreciated it. This happened all because Hanks and Co. were filming a movie in our little suburb of Chicago. You had to film that day? At 4:00 am? Geez. Hollywood stars these days. Think they own the world.

Anyhoo...
It's Caitlynn's big day. We got off easy in the present department. She only wanted one thing, but she requested cupcakes for her class and a chocolate cake with chocolate ice cream in the middle covered with chocolate frosting.

I take it she likes chocolate.

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Are you smarter than a 5 year old?

2010-05-18T07:52:00.002-06:00

Parenting is a great way to brush up on math and reading skills. Each day I overhear Joe reading to Miles a Dr. Seuss book and I find myself sitting next to Miles eagerly anticipating whether or not green eggs and ham are good! I bet they are!

Every day, Miles sings the ABC song and this helps me learn my ABC's, too. I always forget what comes after Q but thanks to Miles, I can now figure it out. He's also good at practicing his counting. Although, I'm not so sure 14 comes before 11. I may have to look this up on Wikipedia just to be sure.

Reciting the alphabet and counting to 10 has given me a renewed confidence in my learning ability. Thank goodness Miles learned his letters and numbers and is so willing to share his knowledge. I might very well be lost without him. Economics would have been much harder this term.

Thanks to Caitlynn, I am also brushing up on my multiplication tables. I always struggle with 7x6 or 8x7 or 6x8 but after practicing with Caitlynn, I feel like I can rule the world. Multiply by 9s? Bring it on, Kim Jong-il.

Caitlynn has also been a good source of trivia that I can use on Jeopardy. During the spring, she did a whole project dedicated to Teddy Roosevelt. I learned so many useless things that if a category on Jeopardy came up titled, "Names of Teddy's Horses," I would surely win. Thanks, Caitlynn! I owe you one!

So when was the last time you practiced your ABC's, multiplication tables, or learned a bunch of trivia about Susan B Anthony? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Parenting has made me smarter. I suggest you either have some of your own or babysit. Or read Wikipedia if you want to compete in today's world.

Oh, fiddlesticks!

2010-05-15T10:02:00.000-06:00

How do you express pain or disappointment or when something doesn't go the way you want it to?

You usually say some sort of expletive. It's ok, I do it all the time. Just this morning I told the cat, who was hungry (really hungry) to "stop bitching and moaning" to me. Of course, he kept meowing at me until I fed him, but the kids found it funny that I cussed at the cat. Oddly enough, I think Dexter the Cat understood me and started eating his food.

While the kids know that there are some words that are taboo (um, the F word), they have figured the PG version of curse words.

Miles' favorite curse phrase is "Darn it." Whenever he's frustrated, I hear an "Oh darn it," coming from his direction. Funneee. Even though, I have heard the S word and damn, too, it's "darn it" that he uses the most.

Caitlynn has gone old school on us. She's started using "drats" to express frustration. Drats. I wonder if she'll start saying "Oh, fiddlesticks" or saying "fudgesicle" in place of the F word. It reminds me of little old ladies that don't want to curse in front of their grandchildren. These are the same little old ladies who have a candy dish (bottomless) sitting out and can bake a batch of cookies in the blink of an eye. I'm looking at you, Grandma Cook.

Of course, I'm happy that the kids don't copy everything I say. I say lots of bad words. I stub my toe a lot.

On another note, both my grandmothers celebrated birthdays this month. Happy Birthday to both Grandmas! They won't ever read this blog, but I'll put it out there anyway.

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Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T10:43:00.000-06:00

I have never proclaimed to be a normal mother. I guess this is why this morning I had to prompt the kids, "What is today?" And the kids replied in monotone, "It's mother's day." Don't so enthused, kiddos. I only gave birth to you and wiped your butts. That's nothing.

But my abnormal-like mothering was cemented in a recent trip to Barnes and Noble. (I don't mean to pick on the bookstore. They are just an easy target.) According to the major bookseller, mothers are sentimental and want gifts associated with feelings, hearts, and flowers.

Before I go on, I'll point out a bit of irony... I am writing this post in journal that is decorated with flowers. Don't get me wrong, I like flowers and nature and pretty things. I am a girl, gosh darn it.

However, as I was walking around the bookstore, I noticed displays of "Gifts for Mom." I found it interesting what major retailers think the average mother will want for Mother's Day. On the CD rack, they had albums by Susan Boyle, Norah Jones, and John Mayer. I wonder after seeing this if John Mayer is the new John Denver and Susan Boyle is the new Barbara Streisand. My mom was a big fan of John Denver and Barbara. Oh the memories of a childhood listening to Rocky Mountain High or Memory.

After seeing this display, I began to wonder if I should change my music tastes and start listening to easy-listening, AM radio. I have a Norah Jones CD somewhere. She's good, but I usually end up listening to Nirvana afterwards. Perhaps I didn't get the memo that I needed start listening to sappy music. I just bought an Arcade Fire album and two albums by The Heavy. Do I have to give my "mom card" back to the authorities? Perhaps I should have purchased a John Tesh album. What is it with Johns?

The DVD rack was equally as puzzling. Gifts for mom's included DVD collection of The OC and Gilmore Girls and Four Weddings and Funeral. Well, I like Four Weddings, but I honestly think that's one of Joe's favorite films, not mine. Now if they had Pride and Prejudice, then I wouldn't be so snide in my remarks here. I am a sucker for Jane Austen books and movies. Again, maybe I should remind you that I am a girl. But I also like watching Fight Club. Both are love stories, aren't they?

So, basically American marketers believe mothers want hearts and flowers for Mother's Day. We want Enya CDs or sentimental books about how being a mother is the best thing in the world.

My gift from Joe today? I'm going to see Iron Man 2. I need my Robert Downey, Jr fix.

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That kid has guts!

2010-05-04T07:08:00.000-06:00

It's always a proud moment, as a parent, when your kids learn something new from you, not those people called teachers that hang around places called schools. It's at that moment you realize - Yep, that's my kid.

Case in point, Miles asked me recently what guts are. You know... guts. What comes to mind? Something gross, I bet. Being the great mother I am, I told him what they are -- your insides and I pointed to his belly. He giggled like the Pillsbury Doughboy when I poked him in the belly.

From that point on, Miles has been going around pointing to his abdomen and saying, "I have guts!" He's even tried tickling my guts. "Mama! I'm going to tickle your guts!" Or he requests that I tickle his.

So yeah, Miles has guts. Apparently we all do.

Watch out, to those who might see Miles in the near future, he may try to tickle your guts.

That's my boy.

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Miles, no fishing in the house!

2010-05-01T13:39:00.000-06:00

What is it with boys and playing sports in the house? Miles is now at that age when he wants to play all sorts of sports -- baseball, basketball, football, etc. You name it, he wants to kick, throw, catch, or hit a ball indoors. If he isn't jumping on the couch or practicing his gymnastic moves by the TV, he's running up and down the small hallway. Before you yell at me for keeping the poor boy cooped up inside, let me remind you that we live in the mountains of Montana. It's been cold and snowy here for the last week (5-8 inches of the white stuff on Thursday). He plays outside, but it's hard playing baseball when it's snowy and windy.

Moving on...Miles' most recent favorite sport is fishing. Is fishing a sport? Maybe extreme fishing is. Whenever fishing is brought up, I'm reminded of Fishing with John a spoof on fishing shows. Funny stuff if you can find the DVDs. I'm not loaning mine out.

Anyway... back to Miles and fishing.

Joe bought Miles a fishing pole. Not just any fishing pole, a Spiderman fishing pole. Really? Spiderman crap is now infiltrating the world of fishing? Seriously? Doesn't Marvel comics make enough money off of merchandise already without having Spidey's mug on a fishing pole?

I digress. I've gotten off topic, once again. Ok. So, Miles has this Spiderman fishing pole that he wants to play with all the time. He needs to practice casting. Alrighty then. Fine. But I don't want him trying to fish for Dexter the Cat. (If Dexter could talk or scream, I wonder what he would say. Get me the f*** out of here! This kid is crazy!)

I guess I wouldn't have a problem with the fishing indoors if Miles was using it to help clean up the messes he makes. I could use some help picking up goldfish crumbs that mysteriously wind up behind the futon. I wonder what kind of bait they like...

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What are they on?

2010-04-29T09:40:00.000-06:00

Cartoons are evolving into something unrecognizable. Days are numbered for cartoons with talking animals, big headed people with small bodies, and underwater campfires. These are so old school.

As a parent, you become a connoisseur of fine kids TV shows (there aren't many). You notice the subtle differences between Hannah Montana and iCarly (Carly wins by a nose). You also take note of the complexities of Spongebob and you see a version of yourself in him (it's like the creators know you). Good TV shows are a rarity these days and good kids TV shows are even tougher to come by.

Just when you think you can't take another cartoon with a genius boy or another cartoon with a talking animal, cartoon creators give you something completely different. These cartoons make other cartoons (even Chowder) seem normal.

Fanboy and Chum Chum on Nickelodeon. "Superheroes" who where their underwear over their clothes. These are the ultimate cartoon geeks.
Adventure Time with Finn and Jake. I don't really know how to explain it. It's just... well... odd.

It seems as though these folks over at Nick and Cartoon Network searched deep into the caverns of their imaginations and pulled these 2 shows out. Miles likes these cartoons and so does Joe, it seems (I see him giggling while Miles is watching the shows). Maybe I haven't given these cartoons a chance yet. Perhaps they need more aging before I take a sip. However, I still wonder, What kind of drugs are the creators on?

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Running away

2010-04-24T07:27:00.000-06:00

Every so often I get the urge to run away. Yeah, you heard me.

Miles and Caitlynn have both threatened to run away. They don't make it far before realizing no one will put up with their shenanigans. Usually Miles makes his empty threat after I tell him he's not allowed to ride his bike when it's 8:00 at night or when it starts snowing (it snows here in the spring).Caitlynn's threat comes after I tell her to go to bed or stop playing her Nancy Drew game. They end up listening to me but I feel the the beginnings of teenage angst as they storm into their bedrooms... "If I lived somewhere else I could play games all night long! Mama is so unfair!"

But I'm with them on this. I have mother's angst. Every time I clean up their messes in front my computer or survive one of Caitlynn's tantrums (very scary), I find myself thinking, "You know, if I lived somewhere else without them I wouldn't have to put up with this shit. It's so unfair!"

Sometimes I daydream about what my life would be like without the kids. What would I be doing? Where would I live? At one point after college, I seriously considered moving to New York City. I ended up in Chicago with Joe. Close enough. I doubt I would have moved to New York by myself. Instead, I'd probably be living in Ohio near friends and family dreaming of moving away to some exotic place, like Montana. Most likely I would have been a chef somewhere (hopefully not a Burger King), living with a couple cats, and mooching off of Stormy and Dave (I love you guys!).

As glamorous that life sounds, I cannot imagine life without my kids. Sure, they drive me nuts and I will always day dream about running away, but I will miss them immensely.

Just last night, I stayed up half the night with Miles, who is sick. Sure, I'll get the flu from him and I'm extremely tired right now, but I would rather be here with him (and with Caitlynn) than anywhere else in the world, except for that lovely chateau in the French countryside where Brad Pitt is serving me breakfast in bed.

I love day dreaming.

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Does James Bond have a Mommy?

2010-04-17T10:21:00.000-06:00

I have to take time out from my normal, crazy life and ponder important questions. You know, questions regarding fictional action heroes.

The other night I was watching a James Bond flick. No, not an old Bond film, but one of the new ones with the blonde Bond, Daniel Craig. As I was watching him chase bad guys and kiss pretty girls, I kept wondering about his personal life.

I have many questions about Mr. Bond...

Does he watch action films? Or is he a big softy and go for romantic comedies and sappy love stories? For some reason I can see him sitting back and enjoying a Lifetime movie.

Does he go home for Christmas?

Does he remember his mother's birthday? I certainly hope so.

What does his home look like? I picture a studio apartment with Ikea furniture. Nothing on the walls.

When he's in the middle of a car chase, or running after bad guys, does he ever wonder, "Did I turn off the coffee maker? Hmmm...keys, cell phone, gun, turn off coffee maker. Yep, I did. Whew!"

What was he like in high school? Loner, stoner, geek, nerd, or jock? Or that guy that no one spoke to simply because they were too afraid to speak to him?

Does he collect things? I'm guessing he has a secret collection of Beanie Babies that he only shows to girls he really likes.

A lot of these questions can be applied to Jason Bourne, too. However, Bourne didn't find out his true identity until the last film. I wonder if he was surprised when he got home to find the DVD collection of the Knight Rider TV series and a stack of Nicholas Sparks books next to his bed.

Who am I?

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When parenting gets hard....

2010-04-07T16:07:00.001-06:00

You know, parenting is never easy. Good God, no. And if you are a parent who thinks it is easy, then just wait. You’ll get hit over the head one day and find yourself curled up on your bed hoping your fairy godmother can come rescue you. My fairy godmother won’t return my calls. Damn her.

I haven’t been writing too much lately, not because I’m busy with school and work (I am but that’s no excuse) but because things have been rather tense around here. For the sake of privacy, I won’t elaborate about what is going on, but it has to do with Caitlynn. Suffice it to say, she’s having a tough time. Her tough time makes it tough for Joe and I. Hence, it’s the point where parenting gets hard, really hard.

I desperately want to find some humor in our situation but it’s been difficult. Joe and I are tired at the end of each day. We have a bet going right now and the winner of the bet gets a night away from home. I hope I win, but I know Joe could use a break, too.

Miles seems to be rather unaffected by what is going on. He gets up, goes to school, comes home from school and rides his bike. He’s a happy-go-lucky kid. He gets in trouble – of course! – and it’s been fun hearing him try to rationalize his actions or blame the cat. Poor Dexter. He gets blamed for everything. It snowed yesterday. It's all Dexter's fault.

So, for the time being, I’m not able to write much or even visit some of my favorite blogs. I just don’t have the time or energy. Hope y’all understand.

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Adulthood

2010-04-02T06:28:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago, I posted on my Facebook page "I just realized I'm an adult. When did that happen?"

I may be sarcastic, but I was actually being serious when I posted this. I did an assessment of my life and it dawned on me that I'm an adult. Dude, what a bummer. I guess the facts have been there all along, I'm just waking up to it: I'm in my 30s. I have 2 kids. I have a job. I pay bills. And I had open heart surgery. Going through that surgery is enough to age anyone. AND... I don't know who Justin Bieber is. Is he someone important?

But when did adulthood hit? Was it when I graduated from high school? I don't think so. How about when I graduated from college at the tender age of 22? Um. Maybe. But not really. I moved back in my mom and step dad until I found a job elsewhere.

Was I an adult when I married Joe? Well, technically I was, but I didn't feel like one. And I still don't feel like an adult.

Do I act like an adult? Most of the time. Ok. Ok. All of the time. I act like an adult 99.9% of the time. There are times that I feel like being the one to throw a temper tantrum over chocolate milk.

While I ponder my own adulthood existence and fret over gray hairs (I have way too many for my age), I'll leave you this to ponder...

An adage from the 60s (that's you, Baby Boomers) was "Don't trust anyone over 30."

So, if 40 is the new 30, then does the saying get bumped up to "Don't trust anyone over 40?" And if so, does that mean I'm not supposed to trust my husband, who is 40? Or is he ok for one year until he reaches 41 and then I'm not supposed to trust him? And what happens when I turn 40 (or 41)? Do I not trust myself?

I'm confused. Getting older sucks.

I want to be 5 again when all I had to do is remember my ABCs and counting to 20. The kids don't realize how good they have it right now.

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Happy Birthday, Miles!

2010-03-31T08:58:00.000-06:00

Ah, my boy, Miles, turns 5 today.

Five years, man! Five!

Yesterday was a first for him... he visited the dentist. Now he wants to go back because he had so much fun. I think he has a crush on the dentist and her assistants.

No big celebrations planned -- just a little party for us.

So, Happy Birthday, Monsieur Miles Gaston. May you always be ultra-cool.

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Earth Hour: Family style

2010-03-28T09:49:00.006-06:00

Last night we participated in Earth Hour along with millions of other people around the globe. The kids enjoy it because we can light candles and play games by candlelight. The kids rooted for me as I kicked Joe's butt in Gin Rummy.

Below are some pictures. Caitlynn didn't want her picture taken, but Miles couldn't get enough. Notice his face is dirty. That's from homemade brownies. Yeah, Miles usually goes around with a dirty face. I'm not so good at making sure his face is clean. I guess I'm not a mom that gives kids spit baths.

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Happenings in our world

2010-03-24T16:01:00.003-06:00

My goodness things are crazy around here. The kids are busy as ever driving us nuts, demanding food be made in an instant (sorry, this isn't McDonalds), and destroying the house.

Over the past week, both kids have lost teeth in a bar brawl. Miles had one too many shots of Jack and was defending the honor of his older sister.

Kidding.

Miles lost his first tooth, a momentous occasion. Caitlynn also lost a couple teeth but instead of putting the teeth under her pillow for the tooth fairy, she just gave me the tooth and asked for her money. I guess she's figured out that the tooth fairy doesn't exist.

Right now, as I write this little post, the kids are having a philosophical discussion about what a "nerd" is. They're watching the first Ghostbusters movie and have correctly identified the nerds in the film. Now, they are making a list of characteristics of nerds, which includes that they talk a lot.

Just wait until they realize their dad is a nerd, i.e., a book loving, theologian nerd. Joe talks a lot too.

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Tattle Tale

2010-03-17T12:58:00.002-06:00

Who can I tattle to?

We're on spring break this week and since we plan our vacations for the summer when there's more time and warm weather, we are stuck at home with the kids all week. All flippin week. I'm developing a tick now.

What makes this even more special are the kids running into my office every 5 minutes letting me know what is happening in the TV room.

Caitlynn: Miles is jumping on the futon.

Miles: Caitlynn changed the channel.

Caitlynn: Miles spilled milk.

Miles: Garfield wrote on the wall. (What? Garfield is real? Oh you mean, the stuffed toy, Garfield wrote on the wall. In a sense, you are telling on yourself, Miles. You may want to rethink your tattling tactics.)

But I want to know who I can tattle to. Can I call my dad and say, "Miles said I was old!" Or should I call my oldest brother, Tom, and tell him that the kids wouldn't let me watch "House Hunters" on HGTV? Knowing my dad and brother, I doubt I'll get much sympathy.

However, now that I think about it, this blog serves as my tattling outlet.

I'm going to tattle on the kids:

The kids won't leave me alone while I'm working.

The kids are playing with the cat on my desk.

Dexter (the cat) won't stop attacking the computer.

Miles keeps making a huge mess in the kitchen trying to make himself chocolate milk.

Oh I could go on and on. I just needed to act like the kids for once. Here's one more:

Dad! Miles is chewing with his mouth open!

Ah, I feel better.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

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Sounds I love to hear...

2010-03-11T07:00:00.001-07:00

As much as I like quiet time, I never seem to get it unless the kids are asleep in their cages. Beds. I mean beds.

Over the course of our lives we hear many different sounds from screeching sirens to toes tapping lightly to the beat. I’ve collected my favorite sounds and stored them away in my head. When I close my eyes, I go back to a memory and imagine the sound as if it happening. It’s a special gift.

Here's my list. It isn't complete, by any means.

The faint sound of tiny waves coming ashore on the Great Lakes, like Lake Erie. During my childhood, my family spent a few weeks of each summer on the lake in a small cottage. My favorite mornings were when I would wake up to see the lake so calm, it looked like glass and little tiny waves coming ashore ever so quietly. whoosh. whoosh. whoosh.
Kids laughter. Kids have the best-uninhibited laughs when you tickle them.
The sound of snow falling late at night. It can’t be really windy – too much sound. The air has to be still and the snow falling gently around.
Chicago noise. I love it. I love the horns honking, people shouting, sirens wailing, and at times, the sounds of the El chugging by. Makes you feel alive.
The sound of a crowd cheering in unison. It doesn’t matter where you are – Yankee Stadium or Wembley, it’s all the same excitement. Root, root, root for the home team.
Dried autumn leaves crunching under my feet.
Food sautéing in a hot pan. (Great smell, too.)
The crackle and pop of a wood-burning fire.
Shoes walking on concrete or wood floors in the movies (especially older films).
The sound of an old-time movie projector spinning the movie reel.
The Apple computer start-up sound.
Whispering. Who has a secret to share? Whisper it to me. I promise not to tell anyone.
The way old telephones ring. My phones sound so electronic. Boring.
When you squeeze a properly made loaf of French bread, it cracks. Sign of a good crust.
Men with foreign accents. Australian, Irish, Scottish, Eastern European. Yep. Love to hear them speak.
“Nothing but net.” The sound of a basketball going through the hoop. Swish.
A purring cat laying next to you.
Cracking open an egg.
The warm up of an orchestra.
When playing a record (real vinyl on a real turntable), the sound of it spinning before the song plays. And then you hear:

There you go. I’ll leave you with 20. That’s a good start. Feel free to add to it.

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Tape it shut.

2010-03-03T05:32:00.001-07:00

How did tape beat Spiderman out for being the best toy ever?

Tape. You know, the sticky stuff that you use to repair shoes or tie your kids up with. (Come on. Like you’ve never wanted to. We’ve all been there.)

My grandma was big fan of tape – masking tape especially. She used it on everything including handmade embroidered pictures. You could count on the backing to be secured to the frame with masking tape. Because nothing says secure like masking tape. Gotta love grandmas.

But getting back to tape as a toy…

I have to hide all the tape in the house. Around here it’s a hot commodity being sold on the black market. When Joe needs to use some, he comes looking for me in a dark corner.

Psst. You got some of that tape stuff.
Yeah. How much you want?
I need just enough to get me by.
Ok. Here’s an inch. Make good use out of it. I’m nearly out. Don’t tell anyone you saw me with it.
Thanks. Peace out.

You see, if I left the tape out (it doesn’t matter what kind it is – electrical, duct, masking, scotch, blue painter’s tape – it’s all the same to the kids), they would find something to do with it -- hang up a picture, wrap up a “present,” tape their mouths shut, tape their fingers together, or try to tape the cat to the wall (poor Dexter). A simple roll of tape quickly becomes the drug – ahem, toy – of choice for the kids. Hours and hours of fun with tape.

I’m really surprised daycare centers don’t make use of these kinds of cheap “toys.” I feel sorry for Miles when I see him playing every day at school with blocks. And they aren’t just colored blocks. They have letters and numbers on them. What? Where’s the tape? He needs tape! My boy needs to learn how to repair an old picture my grandma made me 20 years ago. Screw numbers and letters. This is real world stuff.

Ah, that’s all right. I’ll fix it myself.

Psst. You got any of that masking tape stuff? The kids found my stash.

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The Family Symphony

2010-03-01T04:44:00.001-07:00

Children’s Chorus

Did not
Did too
Did not
Did too
Did not did not did not did not did not did not…
Did too did too did too did too did too did too…

Mama!!
MAAMAMMAAAA!!!!
Caitlynn is hitting me!
Miles hit me first!!
MAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

Stop touching me.
I’m not touching you.
Are too
Are not
Are too
Are not
Are too
Are not
(are too)

Caitlynn says I eat worms!
Miles said pink is ugly!
Caitlynn won’t let me watch cartoons.
Miles is climbing in the couch.
Caitlynn took my markers!
Miles spilled chocolate milk.
Caitlynn kicked me.
Miles bit me.

MAAAAMMMAAAA!!!

Mama’s Chorus

Is there blood?

IS THERE... BLOOD????
Are your limbs still in tact?
Worms taste mighty good.

Yummy!

Lick up the chocolate milk.
Oh wait, clean up the chocolate milk.
Here’s a towel.
Pink is so-so. Not ugly, but it pales in comparison to red. Much more passion.

MILES! MILES! MILES!

Stop climbing on the flippin’ couch!
You break it, you die.
Give me the markers.

Good now I can draw a picture for Daddy.
It’s a lovely scene from today’s adventures with Caitlynn and Miles.

Oh that’s nice.
A little red here.

for blood.
Caitlynn’s arm hanging on by a tendon.
Black eye for Miles.
Mama retreating to the office to escape the insanity of a day off from school.

Effin President’s Day.

Yeesh.

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It's magic!

2010-02-24T07:13:00.001-07:00

Miles thinks I'm magical. Isn't that sweet?

Well, maybe I'm not magical, but I do know a bit of magic that I use to fool the kids. I learned a trick from my mom several years ago and now I use it on my own kids. For some reason, Miles is utterly fascinated by it. Even his friends are curious. How does she do that?

Now you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about. Yeah. I know you're curious too. You'll be so impressed by my magic trick. Really. It's that good. Ok, so it isn't in the same realm as The Prestige or The Illusionist. I can't compete with Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, and Ed Norton. My trick is impressive to all three and four year olds and most five year olds. Past five and it loses any sort of mystery.

I can take off my finger.

That's my trick. Yep. I take it off. No blood. No knife. Just a little folding of fingers and thumbs and I take off my finger. Joe can kind of do it, but it isn't the same. I'm the real talent in the family, so Miles comes to me when he wants to be "grossed" out.

If only I had a video camera...

Y'all would be fascinated too. Like I said, it's impressive.

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The Land of Misfit Toys

2010-02-22T05:57:00.000-07:00

I’m convinced there’s an abyss out there that holds all the un-mated socks, all the broken toys, all the lost puzzle pieces, and a countless number of blocks or Legos, matchbox cars, and body parts to Barbies who are left sitting in the bottom of a toy chest armless, headless or legless.

An abyss exists, I’m sure of it. In this place they will find pieces from my own childhood. I always lost the “little people” from my little play sets. You know the ones I’m talking about from the 70s and 80s – the farm, the house, the gas station with the rolly-polly people. I had a knack for losing the people, which made playing with the little plastic house boring. My mom would buy more little people that I would surely lose. It was a never-ending cycle until I reached an age where I didn’t want to play with a plastic gas station. I wonder if the abyss has the Charlie McCarthy doll that my brothers had. If I remember correctly, one of my brothers (probably Mike) fed it French fries.

In this abyss you will find toys from all over the world, because I’m sure that American kids aren’t the only ones losing toys. Well, American kids are probably responsible for, let’s say, oh, 95% of the lost toys thrown into the abyss. We are a spoiled lot, aren’t we?

As for the lost puzzle pieces, I would like one piece back in particular. For years, I’ve been moving around a certain Where’s Waldo puzzle that I received as a gift from my dad (thanks!). I like putting puzzles together and as I tried with this one, I noticed a particular piece missing. It’s a piece with Waldo wearing a red and white striped shirt. I realize that you may think I’m crazy for keeping a maimed puzzle for all these years, but there’s something oddly comforting about having a puzzle that isn’t quite all there. It’s almost like a mystery.

Or maybe I’m keeping it because I want to torture my kids someday by having them try to put it together. It will drive you mad. Insane. Crazy. All the little Waldos blend together to drive you absolutely nuts, since mine is a puzzle of a bunch of Waldos running around. Missing piece or not, the kids need to be challenged.

Off to the land of misfit toys I go. I hope I don't get lost. Maybe I'll find Waldo and he'll show me the way home. Perhaps I'll find the match to my favorite pair of socks. One can only hope.

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Match Made Online

2010-02-17T12:33:00.003-07:00

For a little departure from kid-themed posts, here is one that is centered on adults, namely Joe and I.

I don’t want to trivialize the role online dating has done. Some people have been quite successful finding their mates online and that’s awesome. But I can do without the lovey-dovey e-harmony commercials.

Joe and I have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in October). I have yet to convince him that we need to see if e-harmony would match us or if they would match us with other people. He thinks I’m nuts each time I see these silly commercials on TV and I say, “Why don’t we each put our profile online and see if we find each other?” Perhaps he thinks we won’t be paired up, but I curious to see if what I value as MFEO is the same as e-harmony’s version of MFEO. (MFEO – Made for each other – from the movie Sleepless in Seattle).

Do they base any of it on astrology? Joe and I are both Capricorns (birthdays one day apart). Usually same-sign people aren’t meant to be. I’m not an expert on astrology, but I know that Capricorns make better mates with signs of Virgo and Taurus, not that this has been my experience (although, I will say that we do not pair well with Geminis, but that could just be me). Judging from the commercials, I doubt e-harmony bases their matchability on the stars.

But I’m still curious. I want to know if Joe and I are compatible. We didn’t go through a dating service to see if we’d make a good fit. We met the old fashioned way – by working together and arguing. (I was always right, btw. Still am.) We didn’t have to fill out a personality form to have it read by a third party person who analyzed out answers. Knowing Joe, he’d probably make a few things up just to screw up the system.

Instead, we actually dated (and worked together and argued) and got to know each other that way. It was “true love” when he wrote “I’m with stupid” with an arrow pointing at me on the paper tablecloth at Macaroni Grill.

That’s the kind of match you can’t make online.

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If my kids parented themselves...

2010-02-14T11:05:00.002-07:00

Every so often I get a glimpse into what it would be like if the kids parented themselves. This happens on days when I get really tired and need to lay down to rest while Joe is out running errands. Mind you, our apartment is small (tiny, like a closet) and any little mess they make shows up quickly. It doesn’t take long for the kids to destroy the apartment – 5-10 minutes and it will look like a hurricane swept through.

So, on one of these afternoons that I was resting (not really sleeping, but just laying in bed), I started imagining what it would be like for the kids to actually parent themselves for a few days. What would they eat? What would they do? Would they clean up messes and spills?

Eating:
Caitlynn would take charge in the kitchen, since she’s the oldest. If they managed to get to the store (by hitchhiking, perhaps -- Miles, show a little leg!), they would probably buy chips, cookies, milk, candy, and gum. I doubt they would buy soda pop, but you never know. They like milk and I’m pretty confident they would buy it. Miles would want OJ and yogurt, too. They would skip the produce section entirely and maybe head for the hot dogs and processed meat. And of course they would pick up some ice cream. Chocolate for Caitlynn and vanilla for Miles.

Then at home, they might try to cook. Caitlynn can make eggs and toast. Otherwise, everything would be heated in the microwave.

Cleaning
My kids are slobs. Even though they find vacuuming fun (why???), they still make huge messes and rarely ever clean up after themselves. I was not blessed with neat and tidy children. I was blessed with packrats who will sit on potato chip crumbs.

Caitlynn might try washing the dishes but it will only be because every glass or mug in the kitchen is dirty.

Entertainment:
If left to their own devices, they will do the following:

Play games online for hours.
Watch cartoons, Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, or iCarly
Fight and scream non-stop over what to watch
Draw pictures and hang them all over the walls
Move all of their toys from their bedroom into the living room and then move them all back (endless cycle of moving books and toys).

All in all I'd think they would survive without me. Granted the apartment would look like a pig sty and they would be eating candy every day, but at least they are obsessed with brushing their teeth.

Would they feed the cat? Probably not. Poor Dexter.

Maybe I should try leaving them home alone for a day and see what happens.

(kidding, folks... just kidding...)

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Bah Humbug.

2010-02-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

Crap, wrong holiday but you get the idea.

Hello, I’m Marcy, and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

What is wrong with me? Why don’t I make Joe jump through hoops to prove that he loves me? He could buy me Heggy’s chocolates (from Alliance, Ohio) or buy me a dozen roses (that will die in a week) or buy me an expensive diamond necklace that we cannot afford and that I probably won’t wear. Out of the three things listed here, the only thing I would jump for joy at would be the chocolates from Heggy’s (no substitutes).

The kids, who are having their heads filled with all sorts of propaganda about this “holiday” on February 14, are wondering why Mama and Daddy won’t be exchanging lovey-dovey cards and gifts. They wonder why I’m against this Hallmark “holiday.”

Well, I’m not against it, per se. I will go along with the kids celebrating it in school. That’s fine, but I don’t need to see pink and red hearts littering our apartment. (Incidentally, we do have pink hearts on the dining table because we made homemade valentines for Caitlynn to hand out at school. See, I can go along with it.)

Every day, I take a moment to hug, kiss, and tell each child that I love them. I don’t need a day in February to remind me about love. Joe and I don’t need to single out a particular day each year to “celebrate our love.” The signs that we love each other come from our interactions together and the best thing we can do is to show our kids how love actually works.

The fact that Joe is taking time off work to help me recover from surgery is proof enough that he loves me. Over the past month he gave me sponge baths before I could shower again and he’s done his fair share of laundry and cooking when I was unable to (he’s still on laundry duty). It wasn’t in our wedding vows that February 14 was the day of the year we say “I love you,” but “for better or worse; sickness and in health” happened to be the part of the promise we made to each other nearly 10 years ago (it's been that long???).

So, Joe gets off easy. He doesn’t need to go out and buy me a silly Valentine’s Day present. He can buy me flowers (and Heggy’s chocolates – the absolute best) any day of the year.

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Liar, liar, pants on fire!

2010-02-08T06:28:00.000-07:00

“I don’t lie anymore, Caitlynn.”

So says Miles one day as we were driving to the store.

I guess maybe I should back up and explain why Miles was defending himself. You see it all started a few months back when I caught Miles lying. He would lie about any little thing.

Did you lick all the Oreos and put the chocolate parts back into the package?

No. Dexter (our cat) did.

Miles learned early on how to blame someone else for his wrong doings. Licking all the cream off the oreos and putting the chocolate wafers back in the package is just…well…horribly wrong. I found myself wondering, “Where did I go wrong? Didn't I teach him how to dunk the cookies in milk? You lick, then dunk. I'm such a bad mom."

But it just isn’t about Miles lying about Oreos, he was lying about other things as well and Caitlynn would catch him, too. The last he needs is Caitlynn catching him doing something bad. She’s the Queen of Tattle Tales. As soon as he lied to her, she came running for me.

All this lying prompted a sit down with Caitlynn, Miles, and I (Joe wasn’t around). Caitlynn and I scolded him for lying, telling him that it’s wrong. Blaming the cat for things won’t get you anywhere.

This little intervention affected Miles more than I thought and it wasn’t until the other night that I realized that he actually listened.

So, Miles doesn’t lie anymore. Or so he says. I think I’ll believe him. He’s in our circle of trust again.

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