Law and Order

Miles was mad at Caitlynn.

He asked me if he could sue her.

I said, "Of course. You can sue anyone for anything."

Even though I resolved the situation by telling Miles he wouldn't win because he had no grounds for suing and that Caitlynn was well within her right to refuse to help him out, he was still curious about suing people.

I could see the wheels churning in his mind (and probably Caitlynn's) -- sue anyone for anything? That opens up so many possibilities! I can see it now, the kids are going to try suing me for embarrassing them in public or for not cutting the crusts off the sandwich.

Sure they can go ahead and try to sue me. I'm prepared for any legal battles the kids may bring me. I thought about going to law school once and even studied for the LSAT. I'm pretty sure that gives me enough legal know-how for me to represent myself in Gaston Family Court. Plus, I've seen every episode of Law and Order. I know how the system works now. First there's a murder and then the detectives catch the bad guys and then the prosecution takes them to court. Quite simple, really.

Ok... so there won't be any murders here and detectives won't come knocking at our door looking to investigate the crime of the century, "Mama didn't put enough chocolate powder in the chocolate milk." 

Even so, I know the judge quite well. His name is Joe and if he doesn't rule in my favor then there will be consequences. Like... me not cooking for a week. Besides, it was in our marriage vows (almost positive it was)... "I (Joe) shall always side with my wife when the kids sue her for trivial matters, including, but not limited to, singing along with the radio, forgetting to pack their school lunches, or not making the chocolate milk to the exact specifications as described by Caitlynn." Funny thing is, I don't remember saying the same vow for Joe. Sorry, babe. You're on your own if the kids sue you. 

So, yeah. I'll win. In the off chance I lose, I'm paying them with Monopoly money. Heck, I might even throw in a hotel to sweeten the deal.










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Happy Thanksgiving!

It's my favorite holiday. Thanksgiving.

While we are giving thanks and eating lots of good food, here's a little clip from one of my favorite holiday movies, Home for the Holidays. Enjoy!






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My kids' junk is now your Christmas present

The kids are overly excited about the holidays this year. I'm refusing to even think about Christmas until after Thanksgiving. It's bad enough Christmas music is playing in stores right now. Can't they wait until Black Friday? Play normal music until 12 midnight on Thanksgiving and then turn up the Bing Crosby C-mas tunes. Yeah. I know... Bah humbug to you, too.

Anyway... back to the issue at hand. The kids. Excited. About Christmas.

Caitlynn has been asking me every day for the past couple of weeks the same questions: When are you buying gifts? What are you buying cousin Ethan for Christmas? When are you decorating for Christmas? Every. Single. Day. Since Halloween. I have had a conversation about Christmas with my daughter. I'm on the verge of turning into Scrooge.

She is really concerned about buying cousin Ethan a great gift. I have a few things in mind for Ethan. He's a funny kid and deserves funny gifts. However, I'm not sure he would enjoy the gifts Caitlynn has picked out for him. She and Miles went "shopping" for Ethan's present in their room and they showed me the "presents" they wanted to give their cousin.

Suffice it to say, I now have a list of things Ethan will not be receiving on Christmas:

• Paperclips
• A mini MSU (ahem... Montana State U) ball with the lettering worn off
• Ken's head
• Barbie's leg
• A white plastic block from the "Ice Breakers" game
• A used pencil without an eraser
• A battery (probably a dead one)

Ethan, you owe me a big "Thank you!" for not sending you a box of junk from the floor of Caitlynn and Miles' room. They were quite serious about sending you paperclips and the MSU ball.

This reminds me of the time when my brother (Ethan's dad) and his wife (Ethan's mom) gave me a bunch of birthday "gifts" that were actually things that I owned. They went through my room and wrapped up various things ... shoes, socks, undies, etc. In addition to all these "gifts" they also gave me a Chia Pet.

Nice.

Gag gifts are always fun. However, sending various objects from the bottom of the toy bin doesn't really work for me. Like I said, I have something else in mind for Ethan and Caitlynn will have to just wait and see.













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A new phrase for you: Food Tank

This week the New Oxford American Dictionary said that Sarah Palin's "refudiate" is the top word of 2010. I'm not sure I will ever use this word, but it's nice to know it's out there for my use. I'm still trying to figure out how to incorporate all the GRE words I had to learn into every day conversations. Words like obviate and officious are hard to use on a daily basis. But thanks anyway, Sarah. Really appreciate a new Scrabble word.

Around these parts, we have the top phrase of 2010, as published by the Gaston Clan Dictionary -- Food Tank. The top phrase has been uttered all year long by Miles when he refers to his stomach. For example:

"My food tank is full."

Or

"I need to fill up my food tank."

I, being a slacker mom, do not really know the origin of the phrase "food tank." Joe and I still use the old school saying "hollow leg" when referring to how much Miles eats in a day. You know... we say things like, "My God! How much can you eat? Do you have a hollow leg or something?"

I'd like to think that Miles is a genius lexicon-er, making up his own words and phrases (wow, like Sarah!), but I know better than that. He's not a genius (sorry, Sarah, neither are you) but it is funny how much he likes to use this phrase. Heck, I even use it now. I'm constantly asking him if his food tank needs filled. Miles is a growing boy, so his food tank is always running on empty it seems.

Miles was slow to talk when he was a toddler. If only his speech therapist could see him now! He's making up phrases and babbles on and on about Spiderman and anything else occupying his mind. We can't shut him up about anything, especially about his food tank.

Well, it is time for me to step away from the computer to find out if Miles' food tank needs a "fill 'er up" or just a "top 'er off." My food tank is full of coffee. Or maybe that's my drink tank. I don't know. I'll ask Miles what he thinks.









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Wait. What? She wants to be duped?

I don't get it. I just don't understand.

Caitlynn wants me to dupe her? Huh?

Ok, so it starts like this... if you know me personally (most of you who read this blog do -- and you are so lucky, I might add because I'm the greatest -- teehee...), you know that I cook a lot. I make dinner almost every night. Even with my better-than-average cooking skills, my kids don't always want to eat what I make. Sure, they love certain dishes, but I cannot for the life of me get them to eat real macaroni and cheese (what!?) and homemade chicken nuggets (what what say what?!). I know. I've mentioned this before. My kids are weird. They've been brainwashed by Kraft and Tyson. Damn you, processed food giants!

I am also not a mother who hides or masks vegetables in meals in order to dupe my kids into eating healthy. In fact, I'm totally against this tactic simply because it creates an unhealthy relationship with food. It teaches kids that eating vegetables has to be done in a sneaky manner and it adds a whole level of deceit into dinner time. In my opinion, just serve the vegetables along with the other food. Let them see the beautiful colors of vegetables. Serving 2 vegetables with a meal should be the norm. Eventually the kids will "get it."

So, I've struggled to get my 2 munchkins to eat veggies. But I figured out the ways they will eat them. Caitlynn prefers hers to be pureed (she loves leek and potato soup) and Miles will eat a bowl of chili with peppers and onions (but not carrots).

In addition to veggies served in soup form, they both love smoothies. The more berries, the better. Fruit is always easy for them to eat, isn't it?

This is where the whole duped thing comes into play. Caitlynn wants me to make smoothies with spinach. She had a smoothie like this at school and was open to it. Usually when adults add spinach to smoothies, it's to mask it so that kids get the vitamins but don't know they are eating spinach. Popeye ate his spinach straight from a can and we have to resort to serving it in smoothies.

But Caitlynn wants to be duped. She wants the spinach masked in the smoothie. Since she knows how the smoothie is made, maybe this is a good thing. I'll probably oblige, even though spinach is a no-no for me (I'm on blood thinning medication). I cannot guarantee that Miles will drink the smoothie. But at least Caitlynn will.

It's a start.







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Everybody be cool. This is a robbery.

I need ADT security system for my wallet. That way, every time Caitlynn and Miles decide to go fishing for money, I will be alerted by a phone call and the police coming to the door. 

Joe's convinced the kids are stealing money from us. No, no... that is what the bank is doing. Not the kids. They just want us to buy things for them. Lots of things. Every day. Little stuff, mostly. As if having a room full of toys is not enough. They want more.

Both kids are at the right age to start having the "money" talk with them. Well, at least Caitlynn is old enough. Miles can just pretend he understands. Over the course of a child's life, there are a few notable talks kids have with mom and dad -- the money talk, the sex talk, the driving talk, etc. For us, the money talk is a simple discussion to have with Caitlynn.

Sample conversation:

Me: "Um. I don't have the money for that. I'm a full-time student who works part-time." 

Caitlynn: "But what about your debit card?"

Me: "That's not the same as a credit card. The debit card is from the checking account."

Caitlynn: "Oh. So, when can we go to the store?"

Me: "In 3 years. I'll be done with school by then."

Caitlynn: "But I can't wait that long."

Me: "Well, you can get a job or sell lots and lots of lemonade. Your choice."

And then Caitlynn grumbles and walks away. Sorry, kid. We're not millionaires. Far from it. 

But kids do need to learn the value of money. I'm to the point now where I say to Caitlynn, whenever she asks for something from the American Girl catalog, "Look, I have to work X amount of hours in order to pay for that one item, which costs $X." If you put it into a multiplication story problem, perhaps she'll understand. I think this what teacher like to see -- parents using real world examples to drive home multiplication facts.

However, no matter how many "money talks" you have with the kids, they keep asking us to buy them things and we keep saying "no." How much crap do they really need? Is that Iron Man action figure really going to end the war in Afghanistan? Does it promise that Robert Downey Jr is coming over for dinner? It would be a way cooler toy if it did. I'd probably buy it then.

Most of the time we are fighting a losing battle. Kids are bombarded with TV commercials and online advertising telling them that this toy is the best and that they must have it because everyone else has it. Even stores are in on the trick to get you to spend money on your kids. Target does that clever thing where they put small toys by the checkout. These are the "shut up" toys. You know, these are the toys that are purchased by desperate parents to shut up the crying kid. Unless I'm having an "off" day, I just let the kids cry and scream over the toy I won't buy them. I can tune them out. What kids? Those are not mine. I don't know who Mama is.

Better yet, 99% of the time, I leave the kids at home while I shop at Target. So then it's me crying,  screaming, and falling to the floor in a fit of rage about a toy I really want. Then I have drag myself out of the store. Get ahold of yourself, Marcy!

No wonder people look at me funny.





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A boy's future

It's never too early to project the future path of my little boy. It's time he learns (at age 5) what his options are:

Future #1: Work in a burger joint.
"We're liked closed or something."






Future 2: Be a superhero.
"Not in my face!"







Future 3: Join the Army.
"Oh, Ren..."




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