Summer boredom

What the heck do you do with kids during the summer?

What do your kids do during the summer? Probably not what mine are doing. It'd be easy if the kids wanted to go to summer camps but no, my kids are weird. They want to stay home and terrorize the household.

One day, I found Caitlynn sitting on my bed with Dexter the Cat. She was waving a dollar bill in his face. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me, "I'm hypnotizing the cat." At that point, Dexter looked up at me with big eyes. I could read his mind... She's crazy if she thinks this will work. I already lick my own ass. She doesn't need to hypnotize me to do it.

But Dexter sat there patiently watching the dollar bill move back and forth in front of him while Caitlynn kept saying, "You are getting sleepy." Geez, now I'm getting sleepy. Am I being hypnotized by Blogger?

Ding! Ok, I'm back...

A few posts ago, I mentioned that Miles likes to collect junk. His collection has increased in size and volume. He and his good buddy, Lucas, have been going door to door in our apartment complex asking people for their junk. And of course, our friendly neighbors are happy (really happy) to oblige. So, now my porch looks like it belongs in the back-woods of Kentucky. All I need now is a 1960s pickup truck rusting in the front yard with an old claw foot bathtub sitting next to it.

If he starts wearing overalls without a shirt underneath, I'm sending him back to Sears for a new model. Preferably one that can wipe his own butt.








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Tips, please

I'm going to institute a new policy here in the household. If the kids want me to do something for them, like feed them, then they have to start paying me to do so.

What do you want, Caitlynn? You want me to make you a quesadilla? Well, that'll be $5. Pony up.

It sounds harsh, I know, but I'm a little tired of two kids demanding everything. Sure, we enforce the "please" and "thank you" manners but they are still quite demanding. Maybe if they started paying me to do things for them, then they might appreciate the things I do for them just a little bit more. You know, add incentive. If they want money to buy things, then I want money to wipe their butts.

I know, I know, this is what I signed up for when I became a parent. Yada yada yada. Whatever. They were accidents anyway...

What's frustrating is that they don't like the majority of my cooking -- I don't know why. We eat rather well for such a tight food budget. Instead, they want crappy processed foods like Kraft Mac/Cheese (which has gotten orangier -- seriously) and chicken nuggets. If I'm going to act like a short order cook, then I expect some tips in return.

What Miles? You don't like cassoulet? Oh come on! Here's your serving of bug guts for today. Bon appetit! Don't forget to tip your server.

Here's the pricing scheme I'm setting up:
Breakfast -- special order: $5
Lunch -- leftovers: $0
Lunch -- special order: $7
Dinner -- special order and refusing to eat what I make: $15

$5 charge for every toy I pick up
$5 charge for complaining that Joe and I want to watch TV or use the computer
$10 charge for wiping Miles' butt

I don't take Monopoly money. American dollars only please. Well, if all you have are Canadian dollars, that's fine. I may even take a Euro or two.

I think this will go over well. I'm gonna be rich! Caitlynn better increase the prices on the cups of lemonade at her lemonade stand.




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Your trash is my kid's treasure

I'm not sure what this says about my kids. I certainly hope this means they are geniuses.

Every day, Miles (and to some extent Caitlynn) come inside carrying "treasures." Right now, Miles has a rust collection (whatever that means), rock collection, bells (sleigh bells), and a few other odd things he's has picked up while playing outside. Basically, if you drop a button or one pops off your pants (does that still happen?), then my boy will surely find it and bring it home.

It isn't that he just picks things up, he also brings them inside to wash -- make these little items all shiny and new again. I'm getting a little tired of cleaning up mud and dirt in the bathroom sink.

So, I wonder...

Does this mean Miles' future career will be that of a junk dealer? You know, those guys in big cities that go through the dumpsters in alleys searching for sellable items? If so, then we may need to invest in a rickety old truck. We laugh, but Joe talked to some of these guys and they actually make a decent living doing this.

As of right now, this is his career track. Are there degree programs for this sort of thing? Bachelor of Science in Scavenging.

Or maybe he's going to make a big sculpture one day with all of his "treasures." I'm sure it will be a masterpiece worth millions.

A mom can only dream...










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Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the dads, pops, papas, daddys, and fathers out there.

Every father passes on wisdom to their children. My dad did the same for me and my brothers.

Here's something he told me when I was learning to drive:

Some of the worst drivers are men wearing hats, not ball caps, but actual hats.

When he told me this, I just nodded and said, "OK, Dad." But you know what? It's freakin' true! Every time I see a man driving who is wearing a hat, he is causing traffic problems by going too slow, not paying attention, or running people over.

So, the next time you are out driving around, look out for men wearing hats (sounds like the name of a punk band) and turn the other way or quickly get past them.

Happy Father's Day.

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All in a day's work

Dexter the Cat fell asleep on the job today. He was supposed to be helping me work but instead fell asleep on my desk.

Kids must have worn him out.

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Are parents wimps?

I wonder.

Of course, I wonder about a lot of things. If you see me staring off into space, you can pretty guess that I'm wondering about something... How do they make Triscuits? They're so perfectly woven. Hmmm... I bet there's a little man...

Ok... back to reality. I wonder about parents these days. In fact, I wonder about myself. I'm a parent. I'm lumped into this category.

Are we wimpy? What makes me curious about the modern-day parent is this whole business about a 16 year old girl who tried to sail around the world by herself. Her brother did it at age 17, so why not her? She tried but got caught in a bad storm and was rescued, so unfortunately she didn't make it. Bummer.

But now her parents have to defend their decision to have their daughter sail around the world alone. If she had made it home safely, would we be having this discussion? Probably not.

I realize that most parents haven't raised their kids to be master sailors. Obviously her parents had enough confidence in their daughter (and son) to let this event happen. Shouldn't they have the last say in this situation? It's their daughter and they know her best.

It seems to me that kids 30 years ago had more freedom to explore. While sailing around the world was out of the question for most teenagers, a lot of pre-teens (tweens?) went to the mall sans parents. I remember doing this. Heck, I was even what they used to call a "latch-key kid" at age 7. I came home from school before everyone else, so I was alone for at least an hour before my brothers got there. That wouldn't even enter the minds of parents nowadays. Leave a 7 year old at home? Child endangerment. Call the cops.

If you raise a kid right -- teach them right from wrong and put a good head on their shoulders -- then what do you have to worry about?

As Caitlynn gets older, she's wanting more independence, which is awesome and a wee-bit scary at the same time. If I feel she's ready for some things, then I'm ready to let her off the leash.

Who knows. She may surprise me.




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Cyber Parenting

So, I was reading an article on the NY Times website about parents who play on their phone (Blackberries, iPhones, etc) or laptop and ignore their kids. I love articles like this. I feel like the objective is to make us feel like schmuck parents.

The article noted an incident where a woman shushed her child while she finished texting or emailing on her Blackberry. The child was pulling at his mom's leg and then tried biting her to get her attention.

Oh no! The kid isn't the center of the mom's universe! Oh the horror!

Yeah. The kid can wait and learn not to bite to get attention. Patience, my dear, boy. Patience.

But this article got me to thinking about my own Blackberry, iPod Touch, and computer use. Yep, I shush my kids when I'm on the computer (and on the phone -- but I usually only talk on the phone for work and I work from home.) I completely ignored the kids when I read the NY Times article about how bad we are as parents when we use technology to ignore our children. I love irony.

What, Miles? Huh? Ok...you can paint the walls green. Now leave me alone. I'm reading NY Times. 

I get the bulk of my news online. Of course I'm going to ignore the kids. Have you read the news lately? Geez Louise, there's a lot of shit happening around the world. Crazy stuff -- oil spill, North Korea, Israel. Oy.

I even tune the kids out when I check my email on my Blackberry or iPhone. Although, I do draw the line at texting while driving. Seriously, though... is it that important that you must text while driving? Is it that urgent of a message?

The way I figure it, the kids ignore me on a daily basis. Caitlynn? Clean up your mess. CAITLYNN! CLEAN. UP. YOUR. MESS. HELLO!?? I'M TALKING TO YOU.

So, I view ignoring the kids as fair play. If they want something bad enough (like food), they'll get it themselves and then make a huge mess in the kitchen. At least they are fed and I didn't have to stop playing Sims 3 on my iPod Touch in order to feed them (man alive they eat a lot!). My Sim just got promoted! Yay for me!

Mama! MAMA! MAMAMAMAMAMAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Children?
What children?






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A little Alice Cooper for ya

This is for Caitlynn. She doesn't know who Alice Cooper is, which is probably a good thing. Don't worry, she'll learn to appreciate the rock greats.





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Competition for resources

I find myself going to war over the use of my computer.

We are a pretty wired household -- 2 desktop computers and a laptop. Up until now, it was easy to manage computer time. But over the past couple of months, my trusty Apple laptop is on its way out (it's ancient -- 5 years old). I could fix it. I know how and it won't be that difficult but that means I have to reserve an afternoon to fiddle with my dinosaur. So, basically we are down to 2 computers to split among 4 people. Yikes!

I work from home, so every day I have to tell Caitlynn and Miles -- DO NOT GO ON MY COMPUTER. It's more of a warning to them that if they are on my computer during work hours, I will string them up by their thumbs and throw darts at them. Kidding. Like I would ever do that to them.

When it comes to other stuff, like writing blog posts, these things get pushed aside until Caitlynn and Miles step away from the computer in the evening. I don't have the patience to write blog posts on my Blackberry or iPod Touch. I could, but I would rather stab my eyeballs with toothpicks.

However, Caitlynn and Miles are quite demanding when it comes to computer time. Each day after I get done with work, they have an agenda regarding computer games...

Miles: First play Ben Ten games, then con Daddy into playing Pirates online.
Caitlynn: It's all about Nancy Drew games and watching video walk-throughs of the games to give her hints on how to solve the mysteries.

Sure, they play outside and watch some TV, but as I've complained before -- there are 24 hours in day to keep them entertained. They sleep 8-9 hours and that leaves us with 15-16 hours/day trying to figure out what the heck to do with the kids. So, yeah, kids are going to watch TV, play on the computer, and then run around outside until they puke. Rinse and repeat every day of the summer.

Until we can afford to buy a new laptop, it's going to be a long summer.




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I crapped my pants!

Oh geez.

Of all the phrases Miles has to repeat, he chooses "I crapped my pants!" The other day, he literally pooped in his pants and announced it to Joe and I. I thought he was kidding when he shouted out, "Mama! I crapped in my pants!" Well, we use that phrase as a joke around here, thanks to Saturday Night Live.

We have other joking phrases like "I'm going out for cigarettes." This one is a joke between Joe and I when the kids are acting like crazy lunatics (pretty much every day) and we need a break from them. It should be noted that we don't smoke. I hope Miles doesn't pick up on this one. I'd hate for him to use it on the first day of Kindergarten in the fall -- "Bye! I'm going out for cigarettes!"

So, this clip is for Miles. It's where the "Oops, I crapped my pants" started...





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