It's magic!

Miles thinks I'm magical. Isn't that sweet?

Well, maybe I'm not magical, but I do know a bit of magic that I use to fool the kids. I learned a trick from my mom several years ago and now I use it on my own kids. For some reason, Miles is utterly fascinated by it. Even his friends are curious. How does she do that?

Now you are wondering what the heck I'm talking about. Yeah. I know you're curious too. You'll be so impressed by my magic trick. Really. It's that good. Ok, so it isn't in the same realm as The Prestige or The Illusionist. I can't compete with Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, and Ed Norton. My trick is impressive to all three and four year olds and most five year olds. Past five and it loses any sort of mystery.

I can take off my finger.

That's my trick. Yep. I take it off. No blood. No knife. Just a little folding of fingers and thumbs and I take off my finger. Joe can kind of do it, but it isn't the same. I'm the real talent in the family, so Miles comes to me when he wants to be "grossed" out.

If only I had a video camera...

Y'all would be fascinated too. Like I said, it's impressive.

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The Land of Misfit Toys

I’m convinced there’s an abyss out there that holds all the un-mated socks, all the broken toys, all the lost puzzle pieces, and a countless number of blocks or Legos, matchbox cars, and body parts to Barbies who are left sitting in the bottom of a toy chest armless, headless or legless.

An abyss exists, I’m sure of it. In this place they will find pieces from my own childhood. I always lost the “little people” from my little play sets. You know the ones I’m talking about from the 70s and 80s – the farm, the house, the gas station with the rolly-polly people. I had a knack for losing the people, which made playing with the little plastic house boring. My mom would buy more little people that I would surely lose. It was a never-ending cycle until I reached an age where I didn’t want to play with a plastic gas station. I wonder if the abyss has the Charlie McCarthy doll that my brothers had. If I remember correctly, one of my brothers (probably Mike) fed it French fries.

In this abyss you will find toys from all over the world, because I’m sure that American kids aren’t the only ones losing toys. Well, American kids are probably responsible for, let’s say, oh, 95% of the lost toys thrown into the abyss. We are a spoiled lot, aren’t we?

As for the lost puzzle pieces, I would like one piece back in particular. For years, I’ve been moving around a certain Where’s Waldo puzzle that I received as a gift from my dad (thanks!). I like putting puzzles together and as I tried with this one, I noticed a particular piece missing. It’s a piece with Waldo wearing a red and white striped shirt. I realize that you may think I’m crazy for keeping a maimed puzzle for all these years, but there’s something oddly comforting about having a puzzle that isn’t quite all there. It’s almost like a mystery.

Or maybe I’m keeping it because I want to torture my kids someday by having them try to put it together. It will drive you mad. Insane. Crazy. All the little Waldos blend together to drive you absolutely nuts, since mine is a puzzle of a bunch of Waldos running around. Missing piece or not, the kids need to be challenged.

Off to the land of misfit toys I go. I hope I don't get lost. Maybe I'll find Waldo and he'll show me the way home. Perhaps I'll find the match to my favorite pair of socks. One can only hope.

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Match Made Online

For a little departure from kid-themed posts, here is one that is centered on adults, namely Joe and I.

I don’t want to trivialize the role online dating has done. Some people have been quite successful finding their mates online and that’s awesome. But I can do without the lovey-dovey e-harmony commercials.

Joe and I have been married for nearly 10 years (anniversary in October). I have yet to convince him that we need to see if e-harmony would match us or if they would match us with other people. He thinks I’m nuts each time I see these silly commercials on TV and I say, “Why don’t we each put our profile online and see if we find each other?” Perhaps he thinks we won’t be paired up, but I curious to see if what I value as MFEO is the same as e-harmony’s version of MFEO. (MFEO – Made for each other – from the movie Sleepless in Seattle).

Do they base any of it on astrology? Joe and I are both Capricorns (birthdays one day apart). Usually same-sign people aren’t meant to be. I’m not an expert on astrology, but I know that Capricorns make better mates with signs of Virgo and Taurus, not that this has been my experience (although, I will say that we do not pair well with Geminis, but that could just be me). Judging from the commercials, I doubt e-harmony bases their matchability on the stars.

But I’m still curious. I want to know if Joe and I are compatible. We didn’t go through a dating service to see if we’d make a good fit. We met the old fashioned way – by working together and arguing. (I was always right, btw. Still am.) We didn’t have to fill out a personality form to have it read by a third party person who analyzed out answers. Knowing Joe, he’d probably make a few things up just to screw up the system.

Instead, we actually dated (and worked together and argued) and got to know each other that way. It was “true love” when he wrote “I’m with stupid” with an arrow pointing at me on the paper tablecloth at Macaroni Grill.

That’s the kind of match you can’t make online.

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If my kids parented themselves...

Every so often I get a glimpse into what it would be like if the kids parented themselves. This happens on days when I get really tired and need to lay down to rest while Joe is out running errands. Mind you, our apartment is small (tiny, like a closet) and any little mess they make shows up quickly. It doesn’t take long for the kids to destroy the apartment – 5-10 minutes and it will look like a hurricane swept through.

So, on one of these afternoons that I was resting (not really sleeping, but just laying in bed), I started imagining what it would be like for the kids to actually parent themselves for a few days. What would they eat? What would they do? Would they clean up messes and spills?

Eating:
Caitlynn would take charge in the kitchen, since she’s the oldest. If they managed to get to the store (by hitchhiking, perhaps -- Miles, show a little leg!), they would probably buy chips, cookies, milk, candy, and gum. I doubt they would buy soda pop, but you never know. They like milk and I’m pretty confident they would buy it. Miles would want OJ and yogurt, too. They would skip the produce section entirely and maybe head for the hot dogs and processed meat. And of course they would pick up some ice cream. Chocolate for Caitlynn and vanilla for Miles.

Then at home, they might try to cook. Caitlynn can make eggs and toast. Otherwise, everything would be heated in the microwave.

Cleaning
My kids are slobs. Even though they find vacuuming fun (why???), they still make huge messes and rarely ever clean up after themselves. I was not blessed with neat and tidy children. I was blessed with packrats who will sit on potato chip crumbs.

Caitlynn might try washing the dishes but it will only be because every glass or mug in the kitchen is dirty.

Entertainment:
If left to their own devices, they will do the following:

• Play games online for hours.
• Watch cartoons, Mythbusters, Dirty Jobs, or iCarly
• Fight and scream non-stop over what to watch
• Draw pictures and hang them all over the walls
• Move all of their toys from their bedroom into the living room and then move them all back (endless cycle of moving books and toys).

All in all I'd think they would survive without me. Granted the apartment would look like a pig sty and they would be eating candy every day, but at least they are obsessed with brushing their teeth.

Would they feed the cat? Probably not. Poor Dexter.

Maybe I should try leaving them home alone for a day and see what happens.

(kidding, folks... just kidding...)

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Bah Humbug.

Crap, wrong holiday but you get the idea.

Hello, I’m Marcy, and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.

What is wrong with me? Why don’t I make Joe jump through hoops to prove that he loves me? He could buy me Heggy’s chocolates (from Alliance, Ohio) or buy me a dozen roses (that will die in a week) or buy me an expensive diamond necklace that we cannot afford and that I probably won’t wear. Out of the three things listed here, the only thing I would jump for joy at would be the chocolates from Heggy’s (no substitutes).

The kids, who are having their heads filled with all sorts of propaganda about this “holiday” on February 14, are wondering why Mama and Daddy won’t be exchanging lovey-dovey cards and gifts. They wonder why I’m against this Hallmark “holiday.”

Well, I’m not against it, per se. I will go along with the kids celebrating it in school. That’s fine, but I don’t need to see pink and red hearts littering our apartment. (Incidentally, we do have pink hearts on the dining table because we made homemade valentines for Caitlynn to hand out at school. See, I can go along with it.)

Every day, I take a moment to hug, kiss, and tell each child that I love them. I don’t need a day in February to remind me about love. Joe and I don’t need to single out a particular day each year to “celebrate our love.” The signs that we love each other come from our interactions together and the best thing we can do is to show our kids how love actually works.

The fact that Joe is taking time off work to help me recover from surgery is proof enough that he loves me. Over the past month he gave me sponge baths before I could shower again and he’s done his fair share of laundry and cooking when I was unable to (he’s still on laundry duty). It wasn’t in our wedding vows that February 14 was the day of the year we say “I love you,” but “for better or worse; sickness and in health” happened to be the part of the promise we made to each other nearly 10 years ago (it's been that long???).

So, Joe gets off easy. He doesn’t need to go out and buy me a silly Valentine’s Day present. He can buy me flowers (and Heggy’s chocolates – the absolute best) any day of the year.

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Liar, liar, pants on fire!

“I don’t lie anymore, Caitlynn.”

So says Miles one day as we were driving to the store.

I guess maybe I should back up and explain why Miles was defending himself. You see it all started a few months back when I caught Miles lying. He would lie about any little thing.

Did you lick all the Oreos and put the chocolate parts back into the package?

No. Dexter (our cat) did.

Miles learned early on how to blame someone else for his wrong doings. Licking all the cream off the oreos and putting the chocolate wafers back in the package is just…well…horribly wrong. I found myself wondering, “Where did I go wrong? Didn't I teach him how to dunk the cookies in milk? You lick, then dunk. I'm such a bad mom."

But it just isn’t about Miles lying about Oreos, he was lying about other things as well and Caitlynn would catch him, too. The last he needs is Caitlynn catching him doing something bad. She’s the Queen of Tattle Tales. As soon as he lied to her, she came running for me.

All this lying prompted a sit down with Caitlynn, Miles, and I (Joe wasn’t around). Caitlynn and I scolded him for lying, telling him that it’s wrong. Blaming the cat for things won’t get you anywhere.

This little intervention affected Miles more than I thought and it wasn’t until the other night that I realized that he actually listened.

So, Miles doesn’t lie anymore. Or so he says. I think I’ll believe him. He’s in our circle of trust again.

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I love it when...

• after the kids drink grape juice or chocolate milk, they look like Gomez Addams.
• they fight and scream, dogs come running due to the high decibels.
• they play on the computer for hours on end. That way I don't have to parent for a few hours.
• they write notes to the every family member. If we sent out every letter/note/picture, we would have to create our own sorting facility and mail delivery system.
• they would rather eat processed Kraft Mac and Cheese rather than the real thing that I make.
• Cailtynn wakes up before the alarm goes off to remind us to wake her up after the alarm goes off.
• that Miles could sleep through a hurricane.
• that I can use them to pick things off the floor and they are willing to do it.
• Miles keeps talking even though Joe and I have stopped listening.
• cartoons and iCarly play nonstop from the time they get home until they go to bed.
• when they whine that Joe and I want to watch "Lost." They just don't get it.
• Caitlynn thinks that she can beat me at Monopoly.
• Miles screams and cries in the supermarket after I tell him, "No. I'm not buying you gum."
• Joe screams and cries in the mall when I say "No, you can't ride the plastic race car. It's for kids."
• I wake up in the middle of the night to write down lists like this one.

Happy Friday.

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I lost my laugh box

I was informed by Joe that I am unfunny.

Ouch.

That's like telling Angelina Jolie that she's ugly. (Yes, I'm equating my odd sense of humor to Angelina's looks.)

In his defense, Joe is partly right. After my surgery, I wasn't in the laughing mood. The act of laughing hurt (like sneezing and coughing). In order to reduce the pain, I chose to not be funny around the kids and Joe. I like to laugh at myself (and other people, especially the kids). By me not laughing, Joe began to wonder what happened to his wife.

Usually, I'm quick with comebacks and shooting out witty remarks (Am I Chandler from Friends?). When Joe told me I wasn't funny, I failed to come back at him with a sarcastic remark. All I had was "Yeah, well... your underwear is showing." It's sad, really. Pray for me.

However, now that I'm recovering, I'm regaining some of that wit back and it doesn't hurt so much to laugh.

There will probably be a day very soon where I won't be able to stop the sarcastic remarks from pouring out of my mouth. I have a feeling they are building up inside and are wanting to be let go. That should be a fun day.

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