Did you read the instructions?

One of the biggest gripes among parents is that babies (and therefore, kids) do not come with a set of instructions. Heck, I've even joked about it.

Can you imagine if kids did come with instructions? My goodness this would end up being a 10 volume, 3000 page set (sold to you for the low introductory price of $179.85 payable in 3 low monthly payments of $59.95 plus $19.95 shipping and handling). And that's just for one child, because each kid has it's own set of instructions. Kids are not one size fits all.

The encyclopedia set for child would have recordings of each cry, scream, laugh, and hiccup. And if you have a good database manager, each one will be filed under specific keywords.

Miles laugh #2: Play laugh that resembles crying. You often hear Mama state, "Oh that's how he sounds when he's playing and having fun. Nothing is wrong."

Caitlynn cry #3: Fake cry to get Mama's attention. Tred carefully here. Caitlynn can be sensitive in this state.

Miles Growl/Scream #4: Indicates fighting over TV remote with big sister, Caitlynn. May have to remove Miles from situation. Watch out, he tends to kick and bite over the remote.

Caitlynn Scream #10: Response to Miles Growl/Scream #4. Fighting over the TV remote has gone to a whole new level. Expect bloodshed.

Even if the kids did have a set of instructions, you still need to know how to deal with their specific issues and you will spend hours cross referencing between each set of books for each child.

Why are they fighting? Is it over iCarly? The cat? Books? Movies? Games on the computer?

Why is Miles crying? Does his tummy hurt? Did the cat scratch him? Did Caitlynn take his bouncy ball?

Quite frankly, when the kids are going nuts and their heads start spinning, you don't have time to flip through an instruction book (let alone a 10 volume set). You have to act quickly before the neighbors start noticing and you end up with hearing loss.

And then again, how many of us read the entire set of instructions anyway? I know everyone here has purchased ready-to-assemble piece of furniture from Ikea or Target or Walmart. How many actually sit down to read the instructions? Most of us have the mentality, "Oh I know how this goes together and the instructions are tossed aside and used at the very end when you notice that your bookshelf is now a 3 legged table. What good are instructions, anyway?

Maybe that's why Ikea started drawing their instructions. They know we don't want to read "slat A gets screwed into slat B with bolt J." Ikea knows we're in a hurry to get the new futon built and ready to use. That's why at the end of the instructions you should see (not always the case, btw) the happy unisex individual sitting contently (and sipping a beer) on his newly assembled futon.

And we all know that at the end of our children's instruction booklet there would be a picture of each parent sitting peacefully with their child reading Dr. Seuss.

Because an instruction booklet written about our children will make things that much easier.

Ya right.

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