PTSD: Post Traumatic Spill Disorder

Do you suffer from PTSD -- Post Traumatic Spill Disorder?

Do you immediately tense up at the sound of spilled milk or juice?

Do you actually cry over spilled milk?

Welcome to the Post Traumatic Spill Disorder support group.

Diagnosing the disorder is rather easy. Symptoms include:

• The ability to hear milk or juice spilling, even if you are 1000 feet away
• Breaking the land speed record to run and see what spilled in the next room
• Shoulder or eye twitching upon seeing the spill
• Eyes glazing over at the sight of the spill
• Internal temperature rising or smoke billowing out of your ears
• Crying over grape juice stain in your white carpet (*ahem*... it might be time to rethink the whole white carpet thing when you have kids)

If you have any of the above symptoms, look into alternative therapy:

• Listen to John Legend, Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, or Tom Petty. The more soothing the music, the better.
• Take a deep breath. Or ten. Or even fifty.
• Think of your favorite blonde joke. This will keep your mind off of the mess. Can't think of one? I'll give you a good blonde joke:

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

For throwing out all the "W's."

• Rub your kid's nose in it. This is controversial therapy. Or make them clean it up by sopping up the mess with their socks - while they are wearing them.

These therapies help reduce your symptoms, but do not provide a cure.

At this time, there aren't any medications to prescribe for this particular disorder. I'm sure that if there was a drug, it would come with a long list of side effects such as:

• Diarrhea
• Exploding head
• Itchiness all over your body
• Blue skin
• Protruding eyeballs
• Hairy tongue
• Loud talking or the inability to use your "inside" voice
• Arms, hands, legs, or feet suddenly falling off

We are currently in search of a cure for Post Traumatic Spill Disorder. To make a donation, go to www.cryingoverspilledmilk.org

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Would you like a knuckle sandwich?

Miles is pretty intimidating for a boy. That is, until he screams like a girl when Caitlynn hits him.

Knowing his propensity to act like a cry baby when he fights with Caitlynn, Miles has started something new to scare her.

He cracks his knuckle, gets a mean look on his face, makes a fist, and growls at her. All this sounds like a typical man/boy thing to do. I often see Joe do this when Brad Pitt calls me (I told Brad not to call on the weekends that Joe is around). Did Miles learn this behavior from Joe? Perhaps.

Miles is still a little kid and a kind one at heart. Too see him act all intimidating makes me laugh and it kind of ruins the mood he is trying to set.

However, he's still determined to act tough when Caitlynn steals me away from him (he's a Mama's boy) or when she changes the channel from Spongebob to iCarly. It works until he smiles and starts giggling after he cracks his knuckles.

Tough guys don't giggle, Miles. Keep trying. One day you'll tower over us and will be able to protect both Caitlynn and I from harm.

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Genuine excitement

As the kids get older, it's becoming more apparent which traits they got from me and which they got from Joe. For instance, Miles shares in my ability to fall asleep right away and then proceed into a deep sleep for the next 8 hours. It's a gift, really. But Caitlynn sleeps like Joe where a mouse fart wakes her up in the middle of the night.

When it comes to other personality traits, I see a lot of myself in Caitlynn whereas Miles shares many sides of Joe. These little differences shine through during the holidays. Miles opens presents and he's excited about each and every gift, even when he gets socks. "Oooo...socks! I love socks!" He's serious about his love for socks. Joe can be very expressive, too, even though there are times when it's served with a hint of sarcasm.

Caitlynn, on the other hand, is more reserved when she opens her gifts. She's excited but rarely lets out a, "I absolutely love it!" I know on the inside, she's jumping for joy at getting stickers and Nancy Drew books.

All in all, this holiday was good. We missed seeing our family back in Ohio, but this was the first year Miles got to put a plate of cookies out for Santa. He and Caitlynn fell asleep under the Christmas tree the night before, so they would be in the heart of the action the next morning. Sure enough, Caitlynn woke up when I decided to play Santa and eat the cookies and drink the milk. Miles slept through it all. The Santa lie is still alive and stronger than ever.

At the end of Christmas day, Miles let us know exactly how he felt about this holiday:

"This was the best Christmas ever!"

Genuine excitement.

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Merry Christmas!

The kids don't like A Christmas Story. I know what you are thinking -- What?! Maybe when they are a little bit older, they might appreciate it. Instead, their favorite Christmas movie is Elf. To compromise, I'm posting clips from both movies.

Hope y'all have an awesome holiday!

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Email hacker

To help me manage my emails, I use Microsoft Entourage (the Mac version of Outlook). It's a good program for the average person who is addicted to email and doesn't want to log into Gmail (or Yahoo mail, Hotmail, or AOL) online all day long. I didn't have any issues with the program until Caitlynn decided to hack into my emails. She knows I use Entourage. She checks my email for me.

Then she goes one step further and actually emails people from my account.

The first few times, she emailed Joe little messages like "Hi Daddy!!!!!!! How are you?????? Love, Caitlynn." Then she decided to email him when she was mad at me for punishing her. This email is a bit more descriptive and neurotic:

“[PPPPP2MMMMAAMMMA``````’;”:LJFDJSSFH MMMMMAMZAO Mama`IS BEING MEAN TO ME,AND SHE WANTS TO KICK ME OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAITLYNN

After getting the email, Joe called and asked what the heck was going on. I didn't even know she sent it. It's ok, Joe. Caitlynn is allowed to stay here as long as she behaves. Otherwise she has to sleep on the porch.

Instead of emailing just Joe, Caitlynn has now decided to email family members like her favorite uncle, Tom (my oldest brother). Again, I didn't know she emailed Uncle Tom until he kindly responded back to her little email. And there I was all excited to get an email from my favorite brother (sorry, Mike) but it wasn't for me. Darn it.

I'm glad she signs her name to the email because I don't want people to think that it's me sending these crazy emails. The tell-tale sign that Caitlynn is sending you an email and not me is the subject line, which will usually be something you can't pronounce or "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She likes exclamation marks. I don't, but then again I'm not 8 years old.

So, this serves as a warning for anyone who is in my address book, including my advisor and professors. I apologize in advance for any odd emails you may receive from my daughter. She means well even if she doesn't make sense.

I really hope she doesn't hack my Facebook account. I can only imagine what kind of status updates she would write...

Marcy Gaston:

• Fed her kids worms and bugs for dinner.
• Lied to Miles about Santa.
• Picked her nose.
• Made her beautiful sweet daughter sleep outside in the snow.

Parenting in the 21st century is fun.

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It's all lies!

I don't know about you but I'm tired of lying to Miles about Santa. Caitlynn is this close (thumb and index finger 1/2 inch apart) to giving up the Santa lie. She giggles every time I say that Santa will be dropping off presents on Christmas Eve. I have to give her the "eye" whenever she wants to tell Miles, "Mama is Santa!" Don't spill the beans, yet, kiddo.

My lie keeps getting bigger and bigger. First, we don't have have a fireplace for Santa to use (or even to hang our stockings over). I had to make up another lie that I'll leave the door unlocked for him, so he won't have to break in. Good thing we live in Montana where the crime rate is low. Then I had to tell Miles that I needed to go shopping with Santa at Target to buy his presents. For some reason he bought this lie, even though every single Santa movies shows a workshop full of elves.

We even had a conversation about what kind of milk to put out next to the cookies. Miles has it in his head that the milk needs to be green or red for Santa. I had to explain to him that Santa either wants chocolate milk or white milk, not colored. Ew. Since Joe is lactose-intolerant, I'm the one drinking it. He can eat the cookies.

With all these Santa lies, I'm now stressed out:

What have I told Miles? I need to stay consistent.

What has Joe told Miles? We need to be on the same page.

What am I going to do if he wakes up on Christmas Eve and finds me eating the cookies and drinking the milk? Oh the horror!

Miles is confused by the holiday anyway, due to Christmas decorations being in the stores since the end of October. You know, who is buying decorations that early anyway? Probably the same people that keep their holiday lights on their house until May. I guess the holiday season never ends for them.

I've had it with this whole lying bit. Miles needs to know the truth. Caitlynn can tell him.

Wait until next year.

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Does this happen to you?

You're in your room, trying to study while Spongebob is blaring in the living room. Your little boy walks in the room and asks, with all seriousness, "Mama, will you give me a wedgie?"

Has that ever happened to you? No? I'm the only one?

How about this...

You're getting dressed in the morning and open up one of the drawers to your dresser to pull out a sweater and sitting next to your clothes are 2 empty toilet paper rolls. Should you be happy that the empty rolls aren't in the bathroom waiting to be replaced?

This has been my life for the past couple of weeks. Miles wants me to give him wedgies (and yes, I do give him one when he asks AND he loves it) and he puts empty TP rolls in my clothes drawers.

Just wondering if anything like this happens to other parents. I know kids can be weird, but this is going above and beyond. Maybe Caitlynn is right. I should try to act more normal. My weirdness is rubbing off on Miles.

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We're off to see the Wizard

Some movies stand the test of time. One such film is the Wizard of Oz. What is it about this movie that my kids want to watch it every time it's on TV?

Even though Miles gets frightened by the flying monkeys (I did too when I was his age), he's still mesmerized by the movie. It's an amazing feat, since it was first released in 1939, 70 years ago. How many movies made in the 30s or 40s can you quote and sing along with? With all the cool effects Hollywood puts into films these days (in some ways this is done just to make the movie more watchable), it's nice to see my kids watching a movie that doesn't use CGI or other effects.

For kids, it's a magical movie, filled with munchkins, witches, scarecrows, cowardly lions, and other colorful characters. I haven't seen a yellow brick road but I'll be sure to follow one if I ever get the chance.

By now, we all know the music. We've all tried our best to sing like Judy Garland. I foresee my grandchildren falling in love with this film, too.

So go on, sing along with Dorothy. I know you want to...

Over the rainbow (Wizard of Oz)
by balenostyle

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Field Trip

I'm a guest blogger today. No, not here. Go on over to Eazy Cheezy. Brian let me back. I think he forgot about the last time I was a guest blogger for him -- I left the toilet seat up (don't ask), broke a glass, and threw a major temper tantrum over not being allowed to watch Days of Our Lives.

I wonder what kind of trouble I'll get into today. I hope he doesn't use time-outs. I don't feel like sitting on the chair for 30-odd minutes.

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Define Normal

Caitlynn looked at me the other day and said, "Why can't you be normal?" This was after Miles and I were making weird noises at the TV. I guess you had to be there.

I'm at a loss for words here. I thought I was normal. I guess I'm not.

I've always been a little on the weird side, but to have my 8-year-old ask why can't I be normal really makes me wonder: What is a normal mom?

Is a normal mom one that...

• drives an SUV or minivan? I'm kind of in this category if driving a 1993 Ford Explorer counts. (It was cheap and we needed a 2nd car with 4WD without a car payment.)
• lets her kids win at board games and Uno? I don't do this -- at all. In fact, I like to win.
• uses time-outs on her children? Yeah, we've never been able to make this work around here.
• is on time to dropping off or picking up the kids from school? I try to be on time... I really try.
• goes to PTA meetings at school? I'm too busy to be that involved.
• reads to her children every night before bed? I do this because Miles won't go to bed without me reading him a story. Basically, I'm forced into reading to the kids.
• says normal things to her children? I'm not sure if I qualify. I say weird things to the kids and it encourages them to use their imagination. Case in point, the other day we had a conversation about what to eat for dinner. My suggestion was "cookie soup." They were all for it until I told them spinach would be in it.
• doesn't swear or say bad words around her kids? Ha. I'm working on this, but the kids know better than to repeat what I say.
• cooks every meal from scratch? I do this for the most part but I do cheat with frozen ravioli and frozen nuggets. I have a hard time cooking a complete meal from a box labeled "helper."

So, what is normal? Any ideas? If you're a mom, do you consider yourself normal?

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Worst Kids Gifts. Ever.

It's that time of year (again) that we spend hard-earned money on Christmas gifts for our kids. If you're like me, you'll do the bulk of your shopping a few days before Christmas. I'm not saying this is the best idea, but it's what I do nearly every year. That way, I don't have to worry about the kids snooping around and finding their presents, nor do I have to remember where I hid them.

That being said, I already have a pretty good idea of what I'm getting the kids. Caitlynn has supplied me a list of what she wants. In fact, she's micromanaging me and I'm getting a little annoyed. Miles seems a little confused by Christmas. He thought Christmas started back in October when Target started selling holiday decorations. He's been asking for gifts since then and waking up every morning asking, "Is it Christmas?" The mean mom in me wants me to say, "Oh no! We missed it! It was yesterday. Sorry, kid!" I don't think I can be that mean though.

Anyway, I'm here to deter you from buying bad gifts for kids, whether they're your own or someone else's.

Worst Kids Gifts

• Underwear. Why would you buy a kid underwear? Unless it's glow-in-the-dark or forces them to clean up their rooms, it's probably best to leave off the list.
• Glue. This includes glitter glue and any other "fun" glue. My kids like to use all the glue, tape, and staples in the house. I don' t think it's wise to encourage them to think of it as a play thing.
• Block of wood. Sure it's useful for woodworking, but kids will look at you like you're nuts.
• A live carp. Fish rarely make good pets.
• Chia Pet. Say it with me now, "Ch-ch-chia..." Oh how I miss those commercials. I had a chia pet once. It died.
• Real or fake coal. Crate and Barrel thought they would be so cute and put licorice flavored "coal" in a canvas bag. Who wants to suck on a big block of licorice anyway? You? Ok, go away.
• VHS or cassette tapes. Not that kids would ask for tapes but these old relics can be found at thrift stores, garage sales, and Big Lots. Don't succumb to the urge to spend 50¢ on Guns-n-Roses' Appetite for Destruction or Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet albums for your 15-year-old nephew.
• Bunny Suit. Or any other embarrassing outfit. This also includes gaudy holiday sweaters and sweatshirts.
• Furby. This comes from experience. We bought a Furby for Caitlynn and the only person who could communicate with it was Joe. Furby ended up in a box shoved to the back of the closet.
• Box of vegetables or fruit. Kids don't want to be reminded they need to eat more fruits and veggies, especially at Christmas time when there's a bunch of sweets hanging around Grandma's house.
• Floam or Moonsand or anything else that is sold via TV commercials on Nickelodeon and sounds like it will make a huge mess that you will have to clean up or scrape off the table.

Have fun shopping.

Oh and donate to Toys for Tots if you get a chance.

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Wake up...wake up...wake up...

I would like to take a moment to thank my mom for sending me to church camp every summer when I was in grade school, junior high, and even a few years in high school. Yes, I went to camp for at least a week every summer. Most of the time it was fun. Really. I'm not lying.

Next, I would like to thank the folks who ran the camp for forever engraving in my mind certain songs that I will never forget. Try as I might, I am incapable to forgetting these little tunes. I will always remember these songs as they pop into my head at odd times. All I need is a guitar and a campfire or an outdoor chapel and I'll be on my way to starting my own camp.

One of these songs is one I like sing to my two munchkins every morning to wake them up. They absolutely hate it, but it's effective because it is rather annoying. After I've been up for a half hour or so checking emails, it's time for me to get the kiddos out of bed. I enter their room singing and clapping, "Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory!" Immediately the covers are over their heads and they start writhing in pain. (Make it stop!!) If I'm feeling in a rather jovial mood (like, um, everyday), I will sing the entire song. Yes, I know. My kids are so lucky to have me as a mother.

When it comes to singing, Caitlynn normally doesn't like it if I sing along with the radio or iPod (even if I am in tune) and she really hates it when I sing in the morning to wake her up. I wonder if it would help if we had a fire pit in the apartment and logs to sit on. Would she allow singing then? Perhaps for Caitlynn it's about the ambiance. The next time I want to blast Madonna, I should put strobe lights, an LED screen, and runway in the living room and then gather about 10,000 people to crowd the stage. You know, make it as concert-like as possible.

So, Caitlynn would like to thank my mom and the fine folks who wrote the Wake Up song (not the actual name, just what I call it). It is now burned in her brain for the rest of her life and she didn't even have to go to camp to learn it.

Just wait until she has an announcement to make at the dinner table. I have a song for that, too.

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