The Joys of Water

Some things about childhood remain a mystery to me. I thought that I might find the answers to these questions after I had children and studied them. I do "study" my kids. Really. I like to sit back and watch them play either alone or with other kids. It's actually kind of fun just to watch. I can't be running around with Miles all the time like he wants. I need a rest.

One of the questions I have about kids is: Why is water so damn exciting? Water. I guarantee that if I placed a bowl of water on the kitchen table that both Caitlynn and Miles would sit there and play for hours in it. They would swish their hands in it, drop gummy bears or other food in it, or wash their toys. A bowl of water becomes an instant play-thing -- entertainment for hours and hours.

I often catch Miles playing the bathroom after he's done evacuating his bowels or bladder. He stands at the bathroom sink (often with his pants down around his ankles) with the water running. He'll put the stopper in to fill up the bowl in order for Shrek, Spiderman, or whatever action figure he has in his possession, to take a dip in the "pool." The bathroom sink is so inviting, it seems, that Miles cannot pull up his pants in time in order to get his toys into the water. Or maybe it's Shrek that is begging Miles, "Please, please, please, can I go for a swim in the sink?"

In an effort to understand my kids, I decided to spend a little bit of time acting like them. I really want to know what is so fun about water. Maybe the scientist in me is forcing its way out.

So, I ran around the apartment while laughing like a maniac which drove the kids crazy. It even prompted Caitlynn to ask Miles, "What's wrong with Mama?" Then as they were reading the news online, I interrupted them to announce that I needed to go "pee-pee." They ignored me. I headed to the bathroom, where I did my business. As I was sitting on the pot, I noticed a Barbie doll on the floor and I thought to myself, I bet she would like a bath. I got up, filled the sink with water. Barbie wanted bubbles, so I poured soap in the water and I proceeded to play in the water with my Barbie and with my pants around my ankles.

You know what?

It was fun.

Until Caitlynn came in and yelled at me for playing in the water and using up all the soap. Why does she always have to be a party-pooper? Geez.

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Ooooo...scary

Kids like scary stuff, especially at Halloween. Caitlynn and Miles like to watch Ghost Trackers on HBO but I put a stop to it when they both ended up in bed with me one night because they were both scared of ghosts.

But that won't stop me from talking about scary stuff here. I've compiled a list of scary (and not-so-scary) cartoons, shows, and books/stories.

Goosebumps. This is for slightly older kids but Miles likes watching the shows on TV nonetheless.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. This is a classic urban legend that originates out of upstate New York. Disney made a cartoon of the story (see clip below) and Johnny Depp stared in the movie version, Sleepy Hollow. I like Johnny Depp much better than Disney.



Edgar Allen Poe. His stories are relatively short and creepy. Read these three: The Tell Tale Heart, The Premature Burial, and The Pit and Pendulum.

Steven King. Carrie, Needful Things, Cujo, Misery, etc. Need I say more?

Franz Kafka. So The Metamorphosis isn't exactly frightening but it is a wee-bit creepy. Say you wake up one day metamorphosed into a giant bug. What would you do? Well, Gregor, the main character in the story worries how he'll get to work. I'm sure that's what I would worry about, too.

Now for movies that are actually freaky and scary. I'm not putting any of the Halloween movies on the list. I like movies that get inside your head and screw around with the wiring. I love scary movies but I can't watch them too often or else I won't sleep and if I do, my dreams end up being about the horrors of eating too much spaghetti (thanks, Seven) or being stuck in a hotel with Jack (The Shining).

• The Shining
• The Exorcist
• Silence of the Lambs
• Psycho
• Alien and Aliens
• The Ring
• The Others
• Mothman Prophesies
• Seven
• Saw (the first one; not the sequels)
• 28 Days Later

Happy Halloween!!

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Shouting at Baby Einstein

The New York Times has a couple good articles parents should read.

The first one is about shouting (Shouting is the New Spanking). Yeah, I yell, but not all the time. To think that mothers (and fathers) should try to stay composed at all times especially when your kid pours shampoo all over the bathroom floor is ridiculous. We all lose it sometimes, it's just a matter of how often you yell that makes a difference.

The other article is about the Baby Einstein videos. Disney is offering a refund for those of you who thought their children would become geniuses after watching these DVDs. Um yeah.

I thought I'd throw these out there.

Have a good weekend.

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The art of insults

It came to my attention the other day that perhaps I really should watch my language around Miles. He's repeating words like shit and ass (he says "smack ass,") and he's been using "idiot" quite a bit. In my defense, I don't use "idiot" very often, if at all. I'm not exactly sure where he picked this one up.

This has been a problem for some time, if you may recall, but recently it has gotten worse. The last thing I need is for Miles to call his teacher a "smack ass." In order to curb my use of expletives around the kids, I've decided to start using Shakespearean insults. There are a few sites dedicated to formulating just the right insult to hurl at people. Check this one out.

Here's what I've come up with:

• Clean thine ears thou artless codpiece-sniffing dotard.
• Hear me now thou rump-fed elf-skinned nit.
• Thy mother wears armor thou surly dizzy-eyed harpy.
• Bathe thyself thou cankerous toad-spotted barnacle.
• Methinks you stink thou frothy clay-brained measle.

I'm becoming a big fan of harpy and nit, but there are 100s of ways to insult people using this website. Some of these phrases will work well with Caitlynn and Miles when I try to get them to take a bath. Do you know that the best part is? They won't even realize I'm insulting them! Awesome! Parenting has gotten so much more fun now. Thanks, Billy!

It brings me to my next point, why don't we talk like this anymore? I'm not saying we need to use Shakespearean insults all the time but what about the language of the time.

Just think, you have a major decision to make like, "Should I kill my step-father, the king, or leave him be?" In order to make good decisions, it is best to talk things out like in a nice little soliloquy: "To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune..."

Ah forget it. Too damn long. I'll just stick with the insults. Much more fun.

Now go about your day thou incestuous onion-eyed flea. G'day.

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Watch out for UFOs.

So far this week, Miles has informed me of 2 things:

1. I'm not his mother. Quote: "You're not my Mama!"
2. I've ruined his life. Quote: "You've ruined by life!"

I guess this is the part where I realize that I'm making a difference in my child's life. Caitlynn has said similar things to me in the past like, "You don't love me."

My response to Miles? "Whatever."

His life was ruined because I wouldn't let him throw his toys all over the apartment. He literally throws his toys. Today, we had a flying monkey in the house. It seems as though Miles likes to play fetch with himself. He'll throw his monkey (and knock over candles and plants) and then run to pick it up and throw it again. Usually boys are known for throwing footballs in the house, but not my boy. He throws monkeys (a stuffed lemur to be exact) or his stuffed bison. Do I tell him to throw his stuffed animals outside?

But this whole throwing animal is kind of nuisance. Our apartment isn't big and it's rather easy to get hit in the head with a flying monkey (or a stuffed Bugs Bunny). While I was cooking dinner -- Wham! Right in the head! Good thing it was stuffed or else I'd be knocked out cold. And then I can imagine the conversation between Caitlynn and Miles:

Caitlynn: You hurt Mama!

Miles: No I didn't.

Caitlynn: Yes you did!

Miles: Did not!

Caitlynn: Did too!

Miles: *crying and screaming* NO I DIDN'T!

Caitlynn: You did! Now, what are we going to do?

Miles: Hide the body.

Caitlynn: I'll get rid of the evidence.

Now, that's what I call teamwork. It's nice to see them working together for a change.

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Larry David as a child. Oh the Horror.

Does anyone watch Curb Your Enthusiasm? I guess if you don't then perhaps you should stop reading because this post is about Larry David, the star of the show. He's also the guy who created Seinfeld. He's to blame for "yada, yada, yada..."

So, I watched the most current episode of Curb on HBO as I do every Sunday. There are times when I find it painful to watch like when Larry makes an ass of himself, which is nearly every minute of the show. I love the show but sometimes I have to get up and occupy my mind with something else (like clean up the kitchen -- I can still watch/hear the show but I'm not concentrating on it). I guess that's the genius of his show. He's good at bringing up the little things in life and blowing them out of proportion.

But as I was watching Larry, I couldn't help but wonder what he was like as a child. And then I thought, "Oh his poor parents!"

Let's explore this a little further -- Larry David as a child. If his mother wanted him to eat his green beans or do something he absolutely despises, can you imagine the argument that would ensue? Normal kids are bad enough when you tell them to do something. You usually get a reply something like, "But my arms don't work (typical Miles response)" or "I'll do it after I finish reading this chapter (typical Caitlynn response)." After a bit of nagging, Caitlynn and Miles will usually do what their told. Usually.

But if I had a Larry David child, I can only imagine the stress that would put me through. He would argue with me on every little thing and constantly ask, "Why?" Or he would just flatly refuse to do it, "No. I can't do that."

Oh Larry...your poor parents. Maybe they should have received the Nobel Peace Prize for putting up with you.

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Hungry Like Wolf

We took a quick road trip to Yellowstone National Park over the weekend. It's quick for us since it's only 2 hours away from where we live.

Anyway... we saw Old Faithful erupt. Miles thought it was the coolest thing ever. After seeing it he said, "I love this world!"

While the geyser and geothermal activity was impressive to see, we witnessed a wolf chasing an Elk. You know, the wolf wanted to eat the elk for lunch. Sounds tasty, but the elk managed to escape. Here are the pictures.

I love this world!

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Miles on hunger strike

Channeling Ghandi, Miles is on a hunger strike Monday through Friday during the hours of 8:30 am to 3:00 pm. He is refusing to eat most of the foods served at his school. In fact, Miles is unwilling to eat most foods served by me, his mother. He's hungry, but not for the healthy or wholesome foods that we adults want him to eat. Instead, he would rather have hot dogs, Kraft Mac and Cheese, and chicken nuggets. He'd would be really happy with me if I let him eat McDonalds, Arby's, or Wendy's every day. That's not gonna happen. Ever.

While Ghandi's hunger strike was to protest the British occupation of India, Miles' fast has more to do with wanting to eat anything and everything containing sugar, high fructose corn syrup, "chicken," "beef," and anything else that I cannot pronounce/spell or was invented by food scientists, whose motto is "If it kind of looks like chicken, smells like chicken, and sort of tastes like chicken, then it must be chicken."

At some point, Miles will succumb to his hunger pains and may eat the food I make. I just hope he does it sooner rather than later.

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Old Man Miles

Miles is an old man. No, not like Benjamin Button, but more in the ways of an 80 year old man stuck in a 4 year old body.

His most prized possession right now is a pair of Spongebob slippers. He loves these things. As soon as he gets home from school, his snow boots (or shoes) coming flying off and he's putting on his slippers. Before he goes to bed each night, he places his slippers next to his bed and then puts them on again when he wakes up in the morning.

He's never seen Mister Roger's Neighborhood, but I'm guessing that if I bought him a cardigan, he would wear that too.

AND he likes to wear his socks (dark gray or white) with his sandals and shorts. I think he's ready for his mid-life crisis where he'll buy a motorcycle and end up going to bike week in Stugis, South Dakota.

And now for a trip down memory lane with a classic Eddie Murphy skit on SNL.

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Do I need a monkey?

So, this is the Top 10 list from the Late Show with David Letterman. I'm still a fan. Always will be.

Anyhoo... there's a show on TLC called My Monkey Baby. People are raising monkeys as children. Why oh why? Aren't there children in orphanages that need homes?

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It's the little things in life

I've been cranky and stressed lately. I've even had some difficulty sleeping, which is so abnormal for me. I love sleep and I'm quite good at it, unless I have something on my mind. Lately it's been Stats and biology. You know there's something odd going on when you dream about statistics. I tend to have off the wall dreams but this is a bit weird, even for me.

So, to alleviate my sour mood, I decided to write down the little things in my life that matter most.

Like...

• When Miles comes up to me while I'm at the computer and hugs me for no reason.
• When Caitlynn draws me little pictures.
• When the kids get along and are able to play or watch TV together without fighting. (I almost want to throw a parade whenever this happens.)
• When the kids actually take their dirty dishes into the kitchen without being asked.
• The fall weather that is finally here. Montana's fall weather is a mix of cold, rain, and snow. It's actually quite nice.
• When Caitlynn cleans her room without me nagging her.
• Drinking hot cocoa with the kids while it is cold and icky outside.
• Seeing Joe. We see him about every 2 weeks right now.
• Watching The Daily Show. It may sound odd to some of you but watching Jon Stewart poke fun at cable news and then have a thoughtful interview with politicians like Bill Clinton or Ron Paul makes for good TV.
• Watching the few TV shows that I refuse miss -- The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dexter, Psych, & Entourage (and Lost but that isn't on until January).

Oh... and one more thing. Two of my dear friends have given birth to baby girls, Stormy and Colleen. Best wishes to the both of them and their families.

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Great Expectations

We all want our kids to grow up and be something great, be it a firefighter, teacher, doctor, police officer, president of the US, CEO, bounty hunter, etc. As for me, I want my kids to grow up and do something they really enjoy and I don't want to place too many limitations on their aspirations.

That being said, there are a few professions I'd rather not see them do. I'm guessing some of these would be quite lucrative but would taint the family image (just a tad).

• Leader of a cult
• TV evangelist in the likes of Jim Baker
• Dictator or tyrant
• A terrorist
• Anything on the FBI's "10 Most Wanted" list
• Serial Killer (I love the show Dexter but how many vigilante killers are there? None?)
• A champion food eater. You know, those guys that eat a 100 hot dogs in 10 minutes or less. Gross.

So, I wonder... are Kim Jong-il's parents proud of what he's become?

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