Miles, is that you?

Have I ever talked about where we live? Probably in a few posts, but I don't think I've ever discussed it in length. Don't worry, I'm not going to bore everyone with a history lesson of this area. Sheesh, no.

We live in Ashland, MT (as of January 2009; before that it was Chicago for 9 years). Ashland is a town of about (at the last head count, which the first Monday of the month) 700 people. Our town is not the smallest in Montana. We've driven through a few that were just a couple of houses (Decker, MT comes to mind). The metropolis that is Ashland is home to a diner, post office, a tiny store, hardware store, a few bars, and 2 gas stations. No where in town is there a barbershop. What do you do without a barbershop close by? Well, if you are like most sane people, you wait until you travel to a bigger town on grocery day to get your hair cut. Or, you can be like us and cut your own hair. Yeah, you heard me. Cut your own hair.

Now, I remember my mom cutting my brothers' hair. Based on the pictures I found in a box, I'm pretty sure that my brothers were not pleased with their hairdos. I think they looked good with crudely chopped hair and western-style shirts. Priceless!

Since history is deemed to repeat itself, I took it upon myself to cut the kids hair. There was a time when Miles was about two years old that Joe took him to the barber. The whole experience scared Miles silly and he didn't want get his hair cut ever again. So, I promised him that we wouldn't go back to the evil barber. That's why Miles' hair is long. He gives me enough time to trim it but not much else.

Until today, when Joe convinced Miles that a haircut was in order. Joe bribed him with a toy and Miles sat patiently as his hair was chopped off. Gone are the long locks. Also gone is a chunk of Miles' ear that Joe clipped off. Well, it isn't a chunk. Maybe just a chink. Whatever. It was bleeding and Miles was crying and I gave Joe "the look." But it doesn't change the fact that Miles now has short hair.

Time will tell if he'll allow Joe to come near him again with scissors.

Free Blog Counter

Ages 30 and up

Since when did kids toys become complicated? Or maybe I'm getting dumber. Could happen. Most likely not, but I'm not ruling it out.

Miles likes Legos and Spongebob. So when he saw a Legos box with a picture of a smiling Spongebob staring back at him, it was game over. Miles had to have it. I knew it would be challenging for a 4-year-old to put together but I thought that maybe Caitlynn could help him. She's smart. She figures things out on her own. However, after seeing all the little pieces and instruction booklet on how to build the Krusty Krab, I asked (told) Joe to help him out.

And you really thought I would actually sit down and play with Miles and help him build something with Legos. Hello! I'm a mom. I don't have time for this crap. When I buy a toy, I expect it be ready for a child to play with. The kids even know how to change the batteries in their toys because I don't want to be bothered with such trivial matters. I have better things to do with my time, like... well, I don't know. Things. My life is busy right now! OK?

Ahem...

Joe, being the good father he is, sat patiently and proceeded to put the legos together. 45 minutes later, the Krusty Krab was built and ready to serve up its first Krabby Patty. Miles, giddy with excitement started to play with his new toy for nearly 2 hours.

Then one by one, piece by tiny, little piece, he took the whole thing apart.

And now he wants it put back together.

Don't ask me. Go ask Daddy. Or better yet, go to college and get an engineering degree.

Free Blog Counter

Is your refrigerator running?

Note to Miles:

Food does not magically appear in the refrigerator throughout the day. There aren't any refrigerator fairies restocking the shelves like at Walmart or Albertsons. (And yes, Walmart does employ fairies. Lower salaries mean lower prices, remember?) So, can you do me a favor and stop opening the refrigerator every 10 minutes looking for something to eat. The food you saw the last time you opened the door is the same food that is there now. Call it magic or whatever you want. Pretty amazing, eh?

While I'm at it, can you not eat all of your yogurt within 2 days? We live 2 hours from a real grocery store, so I can't just run to the store to pick up more Yoplait for you. I know you are a growing boy but this is a little ridiculous. Ten cups of yogurt are meant to last you a week or so, not 2 days. I'm surprised you didn't get a stomach ache (and actually quite happy you didn't get sick). Most of us learn to ration our food, no matter how good it is. I like chocolate but do you see me stuffing my face with the big block of dark chocolate that is sitting in the cupboard? Crap. I just told you there's chocolate in the cupboard. Great. Now you are going to eat that, too.

I know that I'm a bad mommy and refuse to buy Little Debbie snacks and Twinkies. I see you eyeing these packages of processed sweets when we go to the store. I'm here to tell you that Little Debbie is a whore and Twinkie is a crook. I thought you should know the truth. I am not bringing these two low-lifes into my house. Don't even ask.

Are we clear on this? Let me recap: Refrigerator stays closed unless you are really hungry and then maybe we need to address the situation of your hollow leg. From here on out, yogurt is to be rationed. If I have to hide it, I will. And those yummy little snack cakes and other treats will not enter the house. I repeat, they are not allowed to live in our home.

Now, go back to watching Spongebob. I hear that Patrick is really funny.

Free Blog Counter

I hate you, Kraft Foods.

What is it exactly that makes my kids want to eat Kraft Mac and Cheese over the home-made version? Is there nicotine in the "cheese" packet? There has to be something addictive in it. I must know what it is. While I'm at it, I'm not happy with Tyson either. My homemade nuggets are not good enough for Miles to eat. Caitlynn didn't care. With enough ketchup she'll eat any type of protein placed on her plate (she's a "meatatarian," from what she tells me). But Miles looks at the homemade nuggets and says they aren't real. WTF? Not real? Are you kidding me? Like the frozen crap in the box is real. Give me a break, Mr. Fussy Pants. It was only last year you were smearing poo all over your body (and face and couch) and now you are sitting here telling me what a real chicken nugget is. Go to your room this instant!

I can cook. I even write about cooking. I also eat my cooking. I tend to like my cooking. Joe likes my cooking (or so he says). Making a transition from giving the kids Mac and Cheese from the box to homemade is one of immense pain. What? You use real cheese to make the sauce? Where's the packet? Where's the addictive substance hiding in the dehydrated "cheese?"

Feeding kids is one frustrating task, as you can see. Miles does like fruit whereas Caitlynn is harder to feed anything from the produce section. I had her doctor lecture her about eating vegetables but it was short-lived. The carrot and ranch thing only lasted a week and even getting her to eat one baby carrot turned into a war. It's one carrot. One flippin' carrot. It isn't even a whole adult carrot, but a baby one drenched in ranch dressing. You won't even taste it.

Somewhere along the way, I must have missed the parenting class that teaches you how to feed your kids. Or it could be that marketing has made my children want the processed foods more than the food I make at home. Yeah, my food doesn't come in flashy packaging and pasta I use isn't shaped like Spongebob or Spiderman. My food must look really boring to them, no matter how fancy I make it. Your cookies aren't made by elves? But I like the cookies made by the little elves. They are so cute.

I hate you, Kraft Foods.

Free Blog Counter

The genius of Spongebob

Who lives in the pineapple under the sea? Spongebob, of course.

For the past 2 days our house has been watching nothing but Spongebob (well, until Joe and I decided to watch Pineapple Express -- hilarious, btw). Usually Nickelodeon is the channel of choice with the kids. Disney, not so much anymore. Thank goodness. I don't think I can take anymore Hannah Montana or Zack and Cody.

The four of us actually sat down to watch reruns of Spongebob. Sounds odd, huh? Normally, we don't sit down together to watch TV. With only one TV in the house, we have to negotiate who watches what. I know, one TV in our whole house. How do we survive? Honestly, I don't know where we would put a 2nd TV. There isn't much room. Our house is small. Really small.

At any rate, Spongebob been on for 10 years and has given us many laughs. Joe and I were trying to recall the best songs on the show. My favorite is the F.U.N. song while Joe likes The Fool Who Ripped His Pants. My kids just like watching the crazy antics between the characters. At the core, Spongebob is a good-hearted little sponge. No wonder we all like him.

But what has he taught us over the past 10 years? Or rather, what have my kids learned from the folks in Bikini Bottom?

• That a big empty box is more fun than the TV that came in it. Use your imagination.
• That bosses are cheap and obsessed with money.
• Be nice. Say hi to everyone in Bikini Bottom.
• Catch and release the jelly fish. Watch out, they sting.
• Don't lie. Spongebob is the world's worst liar.
• Don't cheat.
• Be true to yourself.
• Friends will always be there for you.
• Plankton is not evil, just misunderstood and lonely. Poor little guy.
• Adults are more like Squidward than they would like to admit.
• Bikini Bottom is in an odd part of the ocean where the inhabitants can build fires and go to the beach while under water.
• The krabby patty recipe is in the same vault as Coca-Cola.
• Getting your boating license is the same as getting a driver's license. You must suck up to the instructor (and try to spring her out of jail).
• Try as it might, the clarinet will never be a cool instrument.
• Laughter is the best medicine.
• But most importantly, Spongebob shows us in nearly every episode how to have fun.

So, go on... have fun in your life. Don't forget to laugh.

Free Blog Counter

Past Lives

I like to think that in a past life I was someone great. You know, like Catherine the Great or Cleopatra or Margaret Thatcher. Oh wait, she's still alive. Or is she? The reality, however, is that I was probably no one special. In a past life I was just a peasant working a field dreaming of a prince to come rescue me. Cinderella comes to mind. If only she was a real person and not just a fairy tale.

On our little vacation, I had time to think. Driving for days on end through the great state of South Dakota does that to you. Have you ever driven through South Dakota? Try it some time. Take I-90 from Sioux City to Rapid City and tell me how it goes. I've done it a couple times now and each time I swear the road gets longer and longer. They purposely have the Corn Palace and Wall Drug around just to help break up the monotonous of the flat plains of South Dakota. Of course the Corn Palace is a sight be behold. It's the only interesting thing to be seen for 200 miles. After looking at flat, brown land any thing would look awesome. A giant pile of mud decorated with Christmas lights would offer the same satisfaction as looking at a building made of corn. Add blinking lights and the whole experience is just, well, electrifying. Amazing! Did you see? They're using blinking lights now!

But I digress... I've gotten off topic. Damn kids. Miles interrupts me while I write and I lost my train of thought. Where was I? Oh yes, past lives. So, I was thinking about my kids and what they were in a past life. On the drive home I was thinking about the experiences Caitlynn had over the vacation and it dawned on me -- Caitlynn was a princess in a past life. Or she was royalty like a queen or a dictator or maybe she was an opera singer. Before our trip, I noticed her preoccupation with princess dolls, dresses and tiaras. However, it was on the trip that I noticed just how diva-like my little girl is. We went to a couple state parks where we decided to commune with nature and go hiking. Caitlynn hates hiking (as she stated several times on the trail). She also hates nature (again, stated over and over again as we walked past nature-like objects - trees, ferns, flowers). And, to top it off, she even said that nature is boring. Her exact words -- "This is boring. I want to go home."

At first I thought her problem with nature had to do with the fact we raised her in the city of Chicago for the first 8 years of her life and only recently has been living in a land with wide open spaces. She's not fond of Montana, that's for sure. She wants to live in Chicago where she can go to the American Girl store (or at least live in closer proximity to it). But the more I thought about this, the more I came to realize that Caitlynn used to be royalty. She's stubborn, counts her money every day, wants to wear a tiara all day, hates nature, and thinks that Miles is out to get her and must be stopped at all costs. Queen Elizabeth I, anyone? How about Mary Queen of Scots?

Then again, I could be wrong. But I'm not wrong very often. She'll probably end up like Carrie Bradshaw -- living in NYC, paying too much for clothes, shoes, and rent, and writing a column about how bad her life out west was.

She's such a little diva.

Free Blog Counter

Surviving road trips

So, our vacation is nearly done. After traveling with 2 little munchkins for over 2 weeks, I feel I know my kids better than I want to. I really know their sounds and smells. My super sonic hearing and super sniffer have gotten information overload over the past few days as we head home. If I smell Caitlynn's farts one more time... Or hear that ear splitting shriek over Miles taking her markers...

Right now Miles' favorite saying is "Living the dream, baby!" He got this from a movie but when he says it, he sounds like Dick Vitale. That's probably the funniest thing I've heard him say lately. Well, that and when he started repeating the curse words I used while driving. I giggle and Joe gets mad at him. I like how we cancel each other out.

Regular blogging will commence soon...

Have a good rest of the week.

Free Blog Counter

Meet the Waltons

After a few stays in a hotels, we are now The Waltons. Miles is John Boy. Caitlynn is Mary Ellen and, you guessed it, Joe and I are Ma and Pa.

Each night as we are going to bed, you can hear our little family saying the traditional Walton goodnight:

Good Night, Miles
Good Night, Mama
Good Night, Daddy
Good Night, Miles
Good Night, Cailtynn
Good Night, Mama

And so on...

Of course there are times after the "good nights" when Miles needs to use the potty or get a drink of water and then we go through the thing all over again. Man oh man are we a wild bunch or what?

Perhaps one day we can live on the side of our own mountain (or hill or rock).

Free Blog Counter

Privacy

We have an open door policy in our house. What's an open door policy? Not like the one at work where you can go to your boss' door and complain about your coworker clipping his toenails at his desk. Nope. I don't want to hear complaints from the kids or from Joe.

No, our open door policy has to do with the bathroom. Yes, in our house, the door usually stays open. We do close it when guests are around but when it's just us... there is no privacy.

It's not like I get any privacy anyway. I'm a mom and somewhere it's written in the handbook that mom's lose their privacy rights the day they have children.

Caitlynn knows this open door policy quite well. She was quite open to it until about a month ago. We have now reached a point where Caitlynn must have moments to herself in the bathroom. She goes in there to do her business and closes the door. *GASP!!* I was shocked to see the door closed and even opened it up to make sure everything was OK, but she kicked me out. She can no longer urinate in front of her family.

I wonder if she's my daughter.

In public restrooms, I'm not allowed to go inside the restroom with her. I have to wait outside, even if there are multiple stalls. Hi, just ignore me. My daughter kicked me out of the bathroom but she wants me to wait here.

So, maybe we are too open? Or is she now rebelling against us? What's next?

Oh, I don't want to go there... too scary.

Free Blog Counter

What I'm thinking right now...

Ever notice on some old superhero cartoons from the 70s (way back in the 1970s, kids), that the super hero like Aquaman or the Wonder Twins didn't have any inner-monologue? They would be preparing to fight the bad guy and then tell us exactly what they were going to do to him: "I will now use my super laser beams to shoot him down."

It makes you want to say, "No, don't tell us what you are going to do! What if the bad guy hears you? He might put up a shield to protect himself the from the laser beams. Then the fight won't be over and you'll have to work harder. I thought you were smart! Geez!"

This has rubbed off on Caitlynn since she loves watching these terrible retro cartoons from way back when. She loves to play jokes on Miles but she lets us know (and him) exactly what she's doing. Her inner-monologue hasn't kicked in yet.

"I'm going to put this note on his back that says 'kick me.' He'll never know. Hehehehe..."

Wanna bet? You said it as you were putting the note on his back. I think he found out. That's why he's mad at you.

Or she'll say, "I'm gonna put a whoopee cushion on Daddy's chair. It'll be so funny!" And she says it while Joe is standing next to his chair. Yeah, Caitlynn, so flippin hilarious.

We've tried telling her, "Shhhh! You don't want him to hear what you are doing!" I guess she didn't understand the whole thing behind Elmer Fudd saying, "Shhhh. Be very very quiet. We're hunting wabbits."

I think the only way she'll learn is if I start saying everything aloud. What am I thinking right now?

*crickets*

Ok, so maybe that won't work, but the next time I'm up against a bad guy, I'll make sure to state that I'll be using my laser beams to bring him down. Surely he'll be scared and run away. If not then Caitlynn can put a whoopee cushion on his chair because that's always funny.

Free Blog Counter